Who You Are
by apathyempathy
Summary: Pezberry. Santana knows people don't like her but when she overhears what the glee club really think of her she's forced to confront why she is the way she is and that sometimes, the pressure of living in someone else's shadow is too much to take.
1. Chapter 1

**I finally got my writing mojo back, yay! I've been struggling to get things together for a new PezBerry but hopefully this works. I've had this idea rolling around for a little while and I've got a pretty decent sized chunk down so far. I love the million different reasons that Santana is the way she is and this has been playing on my mind for a while…**

**This is set at the end of the summer of season 2 going into season 3 with a few difference; Lauren is still in glee and even though I loved Punk!Quinn, Quinn is just regular Quinn in this. No Finchel, I still don't think Rachel would have gotten together with him after he blew Nationals…There will be some references to Shelby later and her rival group. Otherwise, all is the same! Hopefully it will all make sense as the story goes along. **

**Massive thanks to ellowyntinuviel for her support and PezBerry banter, I could not have gotten this together without you :D**

Santana let out a grumble of frustration as she checked her watch for what was probably the tenth time in as many minutes. She was supposed to have arrived at Rachel's house almost an hour ago but after having a huge argument with her Mom she had only just managed to drag herself over to the diva's house and she knew the singer was going to have more than a few things to say about her lateness. Still on the bright side she had remembered to pick up Rachel's birthday present and despite her bad time-keeping the Latina was feeling remarkably upbeat at the prospect of seeing everyone again.

Hurrying up the steps to the Berry's front door Santana quickly fixed her hair before knocking, she waited not-so patiently for a bit before Rachel appeared. With a quick roll of her eyes Santana cut off the diva before she could say anything, "I know, I know, I'm late."

"Yes well…the polite thing to do would be to apologise."

Santana shrugged, that wasn't exactly her style so she settled for an almost-apologetic look, "Happy Birthday or whatever?"

Rachel sighed but couldn't help the small smile that graced her features at the cheerleaders banter, ushering Santana into her house the diva lead her towards the stairs, "Everyone is already downstairs in the Oscar-room. Kurt and I were just setting up karaoke."

"Cool." Santana replied nonchalantly, although the truth was she was pretty excited to see everyone again. It had been a long summer away from the choir, Santana had flown out to Puerto Rico as soon as school had finished and only returned with a couple of days till school started back.

Rachel was about to reply but found herself cut off by her father. Turning to face the kitchen door she saw her Dad, Leroy, giving her a strange look that was impossible to decipher, "Sweetie. Can I speak with you in the kitchen please?"

With a quick nod, Rachel turned back to Santana, "I'll be down in a second, and can you tell Kurt that if he damages any of my equipment he's paying for it."

Santana laughed as she watched the smaller girl trot away, but her smile faded as she locked eyes with Mr Berry who seemed to be scowling at her. Almost as soon as their eyes locked he looked away and followed his little girl into the kitchen and Santana, not wanting to dwell on it, made her way to the top of the stairs. Pushing the door open she heard everyone's voices floating up and she grinned, it wasn't as though she was about to run down the stairs and tell everyone how much she had missed them but still, she had. It seemed strange to think that she hadn't spoken to any of them in weeks and she found herself genuinely wondering what they had all been doing over the summer. She knew Brittany had plans to go to the Grand Canyon, which no doubt would have turned into some kind of epic-farce, and that Quinn had been talking about overseeing a cheer-camp but apart from that it was a mystery.

As she stepped onto the first step the sound of her name drifting up the stairs stopped her in her tracks. It wasn't the sound of someone greeting her, in fact it sounded a lot like someone talking about her. Normally Santana didn't hang around to eavesdrop but something made her stop and she listened in.

"Okay, Satan knew what time she was supposed to be here right?" Kurt whined.

Finn chuckled as he took a sip of his drink, "Don't complain, we've managed to have almost the entire summer without her. It was fun while it lasted so I say we enjoy it for as long as possible."

Kurt laughed, his nimble hands hooking the last of the equipment up he stepped back to view his handiwork, "Where has she been anyway?"

Most of the group shrugged with disinterest but it was Brittany who piped up from her seat next to Artie, "She always goes to Puerto Rico for the summer and over Christmas too…she went for her birthday last year as well."

"Do you think we could convince her to go for our birthdays too?" Artie joked, "Best. Present. Ever."

"I know right?" Mercedes added, "I mean, this has been like the best summer ever and I'm not saying that's all because Santana wasn't here-"

Artie shook his head as he held up a hand to cut his friend off, "Well I am."

"Me too." Finn added, "So much better without her here, I don't even get why she was invited today all she's going to do is bitch and whine."

All eyes flicked to Brittany and Quinn but the two blondes simply shook their heads, it was Quinn who answered, "It wasn't my idea, I think Rachel invited her."

"Why would she do that?" Mercedes asked with a frown, "Rachel hates Santana."

Finn shrugged as he picked up his drink, "She probably felt obliged to being club leader and all, and it was more of a pity-invite than anything."

"I'm surprised Satan even accepted." Kurt offered as he sat down next to Mercedes.

"Oh please, like she has anyone else to hang out with." Lauren scoffed, "She has no friends."

Tina piped up now, a frown on face as she asked, "But she's one of the popular girls right?"

Lauren shook her head as she smirked, "Only because she opens her legs for anyone who asks."

The whole club seemed to erupt into a fit of laughter and shouts, and crouching slightly on the stairs Santana managed to position herself so she could stay just out of sight while still managing to see everyone else. She didn't really know why she was subjecting herself to this but she couldn't seem to make herself leave. As her eyes flicked from person to person she tried to hold back her tears but she couldn't stop the few that fell, making slow tracks down her face as she listened to the glee family bond over ripping her apart.

The sound of floorboards creaking next to her drew Santana's attention and snapping her head to the left she spotted Rachel pushing through the door, making use of her quick reflexes Santana glared at the smaller girl and gestured for her to stay quiet. For her part Rachel gave her a questioning look but stayed silent as she paused halfway through the door.

The sound of Artie's voice cutting over the laughter drew both girls attention and they turned their heads to gaze back down the stairs in the direction of the group, "It's not like she's a total whore…"

"You almost said that without laughing!" Finn quipped as the two boys giggled.

Lauren rolled her eyes as she added, "There's a difference between being a whore and being desperate for attention, the thing is…Santana is both."

Santana flinched back as she heard the group laugh, the sound of their words still ringing in her ears the Latina swallowed hard in a vague attempt to stem her tears. She could feel Rachel's eyes boring into her and without out so much as a glance in the diva's direction Santana stood and silently pushed her way past Rachel and out of the room. The group below were still blissfully unaware of her presence and the sound of more laughter floated up the stairs, surrounding the girl until the door finally clicked shut behind her.

Taking a deep breath she tried to elevate some of the weight that was now pressing down on her chest, her heart thudding heavily as she closed her eyes. She hadn't heard Rachel follow her but the gentle hand which reached out to clasp at her shoulder suddenly drew her attention and snapping her head up she was meet with concerned eyes.

"Santana I-"

But the smaller girl was cut off before she could vocalise any of the range of emotions flickering across her expressive features.

"I'm serious Leroy." Hiram Berry growled as the two men exited the kitchen, "I don't care, that girl is poison and I don't want her in our house."

It didn't take a genius for Santana to work out that the two men were talking about her, but the way they stopped dead in their tracks at the sight of her and their daughter confirmed the fact. It was pretty obvious that neither of the parents had expected to find the girls in the hallway but it was also obvious to Santana that the reason Rachel had been speaking to her Dads earlier was because they wanted her kicked out.

"Rachel." Hiram said shakily as his eyes flicked between the two girls, "I thought you would be downstairs…with the others."

"Obviously." The diva replied, her tone strangely neutral as she awkwardly hung between her fathers and Santana.

Santana blinked as she raised her gaze from the floor, she could feel all three pairs of eyes on her and made an unsuccessful attempt to hide her emotions, it should have been easier with her years of practice but the frequency with which she was getting her heart stomped on was too much. Shifting awkwardly she avoided meeting anyone's gaze, "I should go."

Rachel shook her head as she fought to catch the Latina's eye, "No you can't-"

Santana overrode her argument though, a sad acceptance in her voice as she mumbled "Whatever, it's fine. I'm used to people not wanting me around."

Not giving any of the Berry's a chance to speak, mostly because she wasn't sure how much more she could take, Santana turned on her heel and headed for the door. She only made it a few steps before she remembered something and reaching into her pocket she pulled a present from inside her jacket. With a gentle toss she threw the present towards Rachel who caught it in surprise, her eyes a mix of confusion and sadness as she looked at the Latina.

"I got you this." Santana explained with a shrug, "Happy Birthday Rachel."

Clutching the gift Rachel hesitated as she shot her fathers a fierce look, she could see the shame on their faces and she knew they hadn't meant for Santana to overhear them in the same way the glee club hadn't either but she also knew that the girl heading out of her home was more heartbroken than she would ever show.

Seeing the cheerleader had reached the door Rachel shouted, "Wait, Santana! Wait!"

She knew her shouts would probably have been loud enough to alert the whole neighbourhood but Santana made no acknowledgement as she quickly threw the door open and stalked outside, the sound of it slamming shut reverberating around the house in the following silence.

Rachel was left stunned as she stared at the door, her mind in chaos she willed herself to chase after the girl, it was only the sound of feet pounding up the stairs that stopped her from going. With a muttered curse Rachel stepped out of the way of the door just in time, as the glee club came speeding through the door in a barrage of shouts. The whole club piled into the hallway and as they all looked around Rachel could see the expressions forming on her friends' faces; fear, regret and a lot of shame.

It was Brittany who spoke first, her voice small and shaky as she seemed on the brink of tears, "Was…was Santana here?"

Rachel nodded curtly, her fingers gripping Santana's present as she replied, "Yes."

"How long was she here?" Finn followed up as he shifted awkwardly from foot to foot.

Rachel glared as she spat, "Long enough!"

Brittany let out a small whine as she looked between her friends, "We have to go after her."

"Why?" Artie piped up, shrinking slightly at the angry look he received from Rachel, "I just meant, she's not going to want to speak to us, not after we…"

As Artie trailed off, his eyes trained on the floor Rachel shook her head, "We have to try. Brittany, where would she go? I suppose we should check her home first…"

Brittany shook her head venomously, much to everyone's surprise as she quickly replied, "No. San never goes home unless she has to. Normally she goes to my house or Puck or Quinn but I mean…we're not there, we're here so I-I don't know."

Rachel felt an uncomfortable knot forming in her stomach at the blonde's revelation and judging by the faces of her friends she knew they were thinking similar things to her. Before anyone could ask any questions though Brittany added, "Sometime she sleeps in her car but it's too early for her to be there."

The group were quiet as they processed the information and it was Tina who spoke up next, her voice tentative as she whispered, "She sleeps in her car?"

Brittany's eyes were wide as she looked at the other girl, the blonde suddenly realising she had said too much. She knew Santana was going to be even more angry now that the club knew her secret, trying to cover her slip up Brittany replied, "Erm…No…I mean, sometimes but…I'm mean it's not-" The blonde sighed at her failed attempts to lie and instead gave a small nod.

Rachel frowned as she took a deep breath, "Right, well it's a place to start at least. Brittany maybe you and Quinn could go over to her house and see if she's there? I guess the rest of us can spread out and check the town?"

"And if we find her?" Finn asked, obviously not keen on the idea of running into the girl after being caught bad mouthing her.

"Then call the rest of us and we'll figure something out." Rachel stated, already pulling her jacket from its place on the hook and grabbing her keys. "Look, we're wasting time so let's fan out. Now."

As the club assembled themselves and retrieved their belongings from the basement and started making plans, Hiram and Leroy approached Rachel. Rachel raised an eyebrow as they stood in front of her, "What?"

Hiram sighed, "I-Do you really think this is a good idea, sending out a search party? I mean maybe it's for the best."

"How can you say that?" Rachel exploded as she stared at her fathers in disbelief, "Santana just heard everyone ripping her apart, she could have gotten angry and argued and fought but instead she gives me my birthday present and leaves like she thinks those things are true, like she believes she's a bad person."

With a guilty sigh Leroy tried to explain, "Sweetie that's not-"

"I don't want to hear it Daddy." Rachel argued, she could feel her friends watching the argument but made no attempt to quieten her voice. She wanted the others to hear what she had to say as much as she wanted her Dads to, "You may not like her but I invited her here, I wanted her here and you all managed to crush her feelings like she's not even a person. You think she's so horrible, then what the hell does that make all of you? You can't just use her as your verbal punching bag and think that it's okay because it's Santana."

Without another word Rachel flung open the front door and stalked out of the house, not even bothering to cast another look at the rest of the people in her house. She made it halfway down her street before she realised she had no idea where she was heading, or any clue where Santana might be. She knew it was a long shot but pulling her phone from her pocket she located Santana's number and dialled, she didn't expect the other girl to pick up and she wasn't surprised when her call went straight to voicemail.

"Damn it, Santana. Where are you?" Rachel muttered as she drew her arms across her body and began her search.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N – Woah, so much feedback on the first chapter, thanks guys! It was pretty interesting how many people don't want the glee club to get off lightly, and don't worry I'm right there with you. I have a whole bunch of issues with how the club treat Santana that I want to hash out in this fic, as well as giving her my own backstory regarding her family life and of course, pezberry.**

**Thelastpen mentioned that Rachel's birthday is supposed to be in December…so I'm going to have to ask for a tiny bit of poetic license there. Pretty please? **

It took Rachel a little under twenty minutes to make her way into town and even though she searched every diner and café that was open she still hadn't found the cheerleader. She hated how good the other girl was at hiding and she was just about to give up and head over to the park when something clicked in her memory. Switching directions she turned off the main high street and headed to a smaller road that lay behind it, she could feel her optimism building as she spotted the small coffee shop in the distance. The one time she and Santana had been paired on an assignment for glee the Latina had insisted they meet here, sprouting something about it being the best coffee in Lima which Rachel had to admit was true.

As she pushed her way through the door Rachel smiled at the warmth, it might have been summer but the night was not a particularly warm one and the diva was glad to be inside. Letting her eyes adjust to the new lighting she gazed around the mostly deserted shop, the seats a mixture of sofas and comfy chairs that begged to be sat on. It took a minute for her eyes to pick out the Latina but there she was, huddled on one of the comfy chairs in the far corner with a mug of something hot clasped on her lap. The way the other girl had her legs drawn up to her chest as she stared down at the table in front of her made Rachel's chest ache, she had never seen the other girl look so upset before.

Letting her feet guide her over to the other side of the shop she hovered hesitantly, her mind whirling into action. She had only really thought about the part where she found Santana, rather than what she would actually say. How was she supposed to apologise for everyone? For her Dads? As the questions shot about her brain Rachel found herself stood next to Santana, the girl only looking up when the smaller girls shadow fell across her table.

"Hey." Rachel mumbled softly as she took in the other girl's tear stained face.

Santana blinked as she let go of her cup with one hand to quickly swipe away the tears which were still falling, with a quiet sniff she cleared her throat as she tried to rebuild her defences, and she choked out a hoarse, "What are you doing here?"

There was none of her normal malice in the question and Rachel took that as a good sign, so slipping off her jacket she slid into the chair opposite, "I was looking for you."

Santana shook her head, then with a bitter laugh she said, "Of course you were, well…go ahead…"

"What?"

"You're here because you're upset you didn't get a chance to tear me down right?" Santana spat, her eyes vacant as she stared dully at the girl opposite her, "So go ahead, get it out of your system I'm sure it'll make you feel better to call me a bitch or a whore or whatever…"

Rachel winced as she leant forward in her seat, her eyes glued to Santana who refused to meet her gaze, "What? No. I'm here because I was worried."

"Whatever. I'm fine." Santana grumbled, hating the way her voice broke as she lied, she shot the other girl a sneer as she added, "So, look if you're not going to yell at me or whatever – you can go now."

Rachel bit her lip as she watched the normally guarded girl try desperately to hold it together, "I know you're angry with me-"

"I'm not angry at you." Santana replied quickly, snapping her head up to stare at the girl incredulously, "You're the only person who hasn't actually insulted me tonight I just don't want you to-"

"You don't want me to see you cry." Rachel concluded, a sad look on her face as Santana looked away ashamed.

"I don't want you to pity me." The taller girl muttered, her hands shaking as she took a sip of her drink, "We're not friends, I don't know why you're here or why you even invited me tonight."

The smaller girl sat back in her chair as she replied honestly, "I wanted you there. You're a part of the glee club and-"

"So it was a pity-invite then." Santana snapped, her usual anger considerably lacking.

Shaking her head the diva sighed, "No, listen I know we aren't exactly friends but I still consider you to be a big part of my life, glee is a family and whether you like it or not you are a part of it."

"Maybe to you." Santana said reluctantly as she placed her mug on the table and raked a hand through her hair, "But, come on let's be honest here...you guys talk about that club being a family but I'm not a part of it. Instead, I get to sit there knowing everyone hates me and watch you guys bond or whatever and it sucks."

"That's not-"

Santana shook her head as she carried on, ignoring the smaller girl as she admitted, "I'm not a total idiot, I know that a lot of that is my fault. I'm not good with people, I don't like them and they don't like me, whatever I get it, everyone hates me."

"Why did you stay with us this year then?" Rachel queried.

Santana bit her lip, her jaw clenched angrily as she growled, "If that's your way of telling me to fuck off then I'd prefer it if you just said it."

"No, no, no." Rachel exclaimed as she waved her hands about, "I didn't mean that, I just meant that you didn't have to stay with the club but you did…"

"I stayed because I love it." Santana shrugged, a bitter smile crossing her features as she replied, "But that counts for shit apparently, because I'm still seen as the same bitchy cheerleader I've always been."

"You don't exactly help with that." The smaller girl tried tactfully, her hands twisting together as she half-expected the other girl to bolt out the door.

Santana swallowed hard as she stared at Rachel, she knew that normally she would never be telling the other girl any of this but after tonight she couldn't take it anymore, her anger rose as she began her rant, "Yeah except it's not exactly hard is it? I'm pretty sure I could be holding a razor blade to my wrist and all I would have to do to get you guys to ignore me would be a poorly-timed vest joke at Mr Shue's expense. No-one in that club gives a damn about me; no-one wants to know that my life's a mess. They want me to sit in the back and be the same stoic bitch I always am and it's bullshit. You guys are willing to look past everyone else labels, except for mine."

Rachel felt the oxygen being sucked from her lungs as she was left speechless.

"I know I say a lot of shit about you guys, I know that, but of course it doesn't matter when you guys do it about me because oh yeah, that's right it's totally acceptable for people to pick on me because I'm a heartless bitch. You and the rest of those assholes get to label me and make me an outcast, you get to call me out for being a bitch and tell me the only future I have is as a stripper because - hey, it's only me right? The poisonous slutty bitch that deserves everything that's coming to her."

Santana seemed to be on a roll now as she vented her frustrations to Rachel, "You know Quinn has been just as horrible to all of you as I have but she still managed to have you all as friends. She drew pornographic pictures of you and trashed your myspace videos, her and Puck were like the slushy king and queen before glee. Even Finn was a complete douche bag, but I'm guessing your Dads never wanted to throw them out of the house? No, just me. Finn stomps all over you, Quinn is total bitch but of course I'm the one who is poison because clearly there is something wrong with me."

"I know those guys did some horrible stuff but…well, so did you and-" Rachel said, her voice flustered as the former cheerleaders words rang in her ears. The stark revelation that Santana thought something was wrong with her cut straight through the singer's heart.

"I'm not saying I didn't." Santana replied hotly, not even bothering to wipe away her tears, "But I am the only one who has never gotten an ounce of fucking friendship from anyone in that club, and you know what, fine. I thought maybe, maybe someone in that club would care enough to try even just a little bit to get to know me but I guess not, I guess they're just like everyone else and realise I'm not worth the hassle. Fuck it, I don't need anyone which works out pretty well seeing as I don't have anyone."

"You have me." Rachel tried, her voice quiet as she gaze up sadly.

"Please, we're not friends." Santana mumbled, her shoulder sagging as she added, "Besides, haven't you heard – I'm not a nice person, I don't even know why you're here you should just go. Go back to the rest of your family, and forget I said anything."

Rachel frowned, she didn't know what to say to the other girl. She knew that they had a bad history; she knew that Santana could be mean and had a tendency to push people away but it was also true that none of the club had ever really tried to befriend her. She had watched from afar as the girl in front of her had pretty much lost everything in one year but had been too afraid to do anything to help her. It wasn't the easiest of things, to approach Santana Lopez, but the Latina was sat in front of her now and Rachel was not about to let the opportunity pass.

Reaching into her jacket she pulled out the present Santana had given her earlier and placed it on the table, it was still wrapped in its bright green paper and Rachel fiddled with the ribbon as she asked, "If we're not friends, why did you get me a birthday present?"

Santana actually laughed as she looked up at the other girl, it wasn't a happy laugh though and her eyes watered as she shook her head, "You want to know the stupidest thing about tonight? I got you that as a peace offering. I was actually sick of all the bitching and I wanted this year to be different. I was gonna try and act like a decent human being but apparently everyone seems to think I'm incapable of that so…"

"A peace offering?"

"Yeah, well I figured you've pretty much taken the brunt of my bitching and you seemed like the best person to start with." Santana explained, her eyes focused on the present she sighed dejectedly, "Look, it's fine if you don't want it I can take it back."

Rachel shook her head as she snatched it up from the table, "I do want it."

"Then…open it." Santana said slowly, her face flushing red as she fiddled with her hands.

Rachel smiled as she nodded and began carefully ripping into the present, she only got halfway into it before she realised what it was. Santana allowed herself to smile as the diva quickly removed the rest of the paper and stared at the small box with confused eyes.

Santana rolled her eyes, "Freaking open it already."

"I…you…this…how?..." the diva spluttered as she flicked the lid open her eyes glued in amazement at the necklace that was nestled inside, "This…this is…"

Santana shrugged as she shifted awkwardly in her seat, "My abuela took me to shopping one day and I saw this and I thought of you."

"You thought of me?" Rachel asked, one eyebrow raised in disbelief.

"Well, yeah…you've still got that obsession with stars and junk right?" the other girl replied as she leant over to point at the gold pendant.

Rachel gave the other girl a small nod her eyes wide and she stared at Santana in amazement as she continued, "I knew that if I was gonna try for a peace offering then it needed to be good. And I know this doesn't make everything okay, and I know I can't like – buy my way back or whatever but-"

Santana found herself cut off as Rachel sprung out of her chair bounced around the table and quickly threw her arms around the dumbstruck girl in a hug. It was only after a few minutes passed that Rachel realised what she was doing and drew back, horribly aware of the way Santana merely tensed awkwardly at the display of affection, "Sorry, I know we don't usually do that but…this is incredible."

The sound of a woman's voice broke their moment and both girls sighed as they turned to the barista hovering over them, "I'm sorry to interrupt girls but we're closing now."

Santana and Rachel nodded, looking around they realised they were the only two left and hurriedly they grabbed their things and got up. As they exited the shop into the increasingly chilly night Rachel held her present to her chest with a grin, "This is the best gift ever."

"I'm glad you like it." Santana replied awkwardly, her earlier momentary happiness disintegrating as she pulled her jacket tightly around her body. The temporary distraction of giving Rachel her present was gone and knowing it was getting late the Latina mumbled, "I better get going."

Rachel stopped, her smile falling as she stared at her friend. She felt her stomach jerk as she remembered Brittany's words from earlier; the thought of Santana wandering around on the street before sleeping in her car made the diva feel physically sick and she had to refrain from shouting her objections. Instead she gave a calm shrug, "It's not that late, maybe we could go back to mine and watch a film or something?"

Santana scoffed as she looked at the smaller girl in disbelief, "Seriously? I think your Dads made it pretty clear I'm not welcome."

"Oh, right." Rachel replied awkwardly, guilt swamping her as she recalled her father's words. "Well, we could go to the multiplex; they're having a late night showing of monster films?"

The Latina frowned at the singer's efforts to get her to stay, "What's going on Berry? Why are you so keen for me not to go?"

"It's nothing." Rachel squeaked unconvincingly, her resolve sinking as she tacked on, "I mean, Brittany may have said something earlier…"

"Oh?" Santana said, taking a deep breath as she steeled herself.

"…about you sleeping in your car sometimes."

The Latina flinched at the words, her jaw clenching as she shook her head in disbelief. She didn't say anything though; instead Santana turned and quickly made her way across the street leaving Rachel staring at her retreating form.

It only took a moment for the singer to catch on to what was happening and with a quick hop she headed off after her friend, "Wait…Santana…"

"She had no right to tell you that." Santana snapped as she focused on the road ahead and continued to walk; she knew there was little use in denying anything, after all everyone knew the blonde knew her better than anyone and that Brittany wouldn't lie about something so serious.

"She didn't do it to hurt you." Rachel tried as she caught up with her friend.

Santana scoffed, "Whatever."

Rachel groaned in annoyance as Santana huffed and crossed her arms over her chest, she wished she hadn't brought the whole car-thing up in the first place. Picking up her pace the smaller girl cut in front of Santana and brought them both to a halt, "I just want to know your safe, and I won't be able to go home and sleep knowing you aren't."

"You've managed plenty of times before and besides, I can take care of myself."

"I didn't know you were sleeping in your car then." Rachel snapped, her eyes pleading as she tried to make Santana understand, "I'm not going to stand here and ask you to give me your life story, I'm just asking that you stay with me tonight."

Santana opened her mouth to speak but promptly shut it again, she didn't really know how to respond to that at first but eventually choked out, "I'm not going to your house."

Rachel nodded; she could understand that, "How about we…stay in a hotel or something then?"

"A hotel?" Santana asked sceptically, her heart sinking a little bit at the idea. In her world staying the night in a hotel with a 'friend' only meant one thing. She let go of the tiny flicker of hope that she had allowed to ignite at the thought of gaining someone's friendship as she wondered if this had been the plan all along.

Unaware of the other girls thoughts Rachel nodded and brought out her credit card, "On me."

Santana managed a tight smile as she looked at the diva, the presence of the credit card only seeming to confirm her suspicions. The Latina sighed quietly as she figured her choices were pretty limited anyway, it was either a cold night in her car or in a warm hotel room, at least with Rachel she wouldn't be alone even if she did know she'd feel cheap. Part of her brain was arguing that Rachel wasn't the kind of girl to make the sort of propositions Santana normally got but the other part of her brain was filled with every time she had been asked to stay the night with someone.

Taking the Latina's sigh as a bad sigh, Rachel tried to help, "We can raid the mini-bar."

"Okay." Santana whispered reluctantly a fake smile on her face as she saw Rachel beam.


	3. Chapter 3

A little while later Santana found herself stood awkwardly in the middle of a hotel room with Rachel Berry wondering how the hell she managed to get herself into such a surreal turn of events. The smaller girl was currently on the phone convincing the management to send up every free sample known to man, after all neither of the girls was prepared to be staying the night in a strange room, so Santana took to opportunity to amble about the place.

It was a pretty small room, with two twin beds taking up most of the space. There was only a small gap between them and Santana had to teeter sideways to make her way between them so she could flop down on the bed furthest from the door. As she leant back against the headboard she picked up the remote and mindlessly flipped the television on, it only had a handful of channels but the cheerleader hopped from one to the other as she waited for Rachel to get off the phone. Luckily it didn't take long, the diva having pretty well-known powers of persuasion and soon the two were left in an awkward stand-off with the noise from the television the only thing stopping the tension developing further.

A knock at the door made Rachel hop up from her bed and Santana watched her open it to take a ridiculous barrage of items from a non-to-impressed bellboy. The Latina had to chuckle as Rachel gave him a tip and a winning smile and sent him away looking much happier than he had arrived.

"Okay…soap, shampoo…extra pillows and blankets…oh, toothpaste and toothbrushes…"

Santana rolled her eyes as the diva listed all her gains and dumped them down on the dresser by the door before hopping back on her bed. A few moments of quiet passed before Santana was aware of the smaller girl watching her intently, so stopping her channel surfing on an old film she turned to look at the singer. With a hesitant smile Santana slid up and off her own bed and after gesturing for the singer to move over she sat down next to Rachel, since it was a single bed the two girls were shoulder to shoulder and turning her head the Latina locked eyes with the other girl.

Normally Santana prided herself on being able to read people but the look on Rachel's face was a strange mixture of confusion and lust, with an internal shrug the taller girl figured the diva was simply in unfamiliar territory. Deciding to make the first move Santana leant over slowly and gently drew Rachel into a kiss, when the diva didn't back away she sighed and deepening the kiss she brought her hand up to cup the other girl's cheek.

Pulling back slightly Santana whispered softly, "How do you want to do this?"

Rachel seemed to snap herself out of the haze she was in to stare in confusion as she said, "What?"

"Well, it's not like a need a blow-by-blow description but-"

The smaller girl felt her jaw drop as she stuttered, "You-You think I-I want to have sex with you?"

Santana frowned as let go of the singer, leaning back slightly she licked her lips. The way the singer had now blushed a dark shade of red and was staring at her with wide panicked eyes should have make her chuckle but instead it brought a horrible wave of nausea as she began to think she had gotten this whole situation very wrong. Before she could back-track Rachel had shuffled backwards and was up and off the bed as she put some distance between the two.

Rachel still had her eyes locked on Santana as she tried to make sense of what had just happened, but apparently her brain had not yet recovered as she repeated, "You thought I wanted to have sex with _you_?"

"Uh...look-" the Latina tried as she too edged back and onto her own bed again.

But Rachel didn't seem to hear as her mouth moved faster than her brain, the words streaming out before she could think them through properly, "I am a virgin, do you really think I would want to have sex here for the first time…with _you_?"

Santana swallowed hard as she tried to keep the wounded look off her face, her cheeks flushing red as she cursed herself for being so stupid, for thinking that someone like Rachel was ever going to want someone like her. She hated how completely appalled Rachel sounded at the idea of sleeping with her but she understood it too, shaking her head she started to mumble, "No, I…"

She only got a few words in to her embarrassed apology before Rachel had suddenly shuffled over her own bed to sit with Santana on hers, the taller girl frowned as she looked at her friend.

"No, I'm sorry." Rachel interrupted, hearing her earlier words back she grimaced, "I didn't mean to imply that us…sleeping together…was horrible, or that if my first time were to be with you that it would be less than perfect. I only meant that the circumstances are currently less than perfect."

Santana raised an eyebrow as she tried to interrupt the ramble.

"We're staying in one of the less pleasant hotels in Lima, we've only recently become something more than acquaintances and earlier this evening you overheard some very horrible things being said about you." Rachel explained as she reached out to take one of the tanned hands next to hers.

"Oh." Santana replied, her tone uncharacteristically nervous as she asked, "So, it's not because I'm…me?"

Rachel shook her head firmly, a strange tingling feeling in her belly as she smiled, "No, I promise."

Santana ducked her head to hide the smile the other girls words brought to her face, she couldn't explain why but she was happy with what Rachel had insinuated. Her thoughts were broken as the smaller girl whispered, "Can I ask you something?"

"I guess."

"Why did you think I wanted to sleep with you?"

The Latina sighed heavily, she thought about lying but she was so emotionally drained from the day that it was just easier to tell the truth, "Because that's pretty much what everyone wants from me."

Rachel gaped at the words, "San-"

"It's true; I mean everyone knows it." The Latina said as she clenched her jaw, her cheeks red as she added, "You think tonight is the first time I've heard people taking about me like that? I know what people think of me Rachel, I've read the graffiti in the girls bathroom just like everyone else fuck, I've seen some of the stuff in the boys bathroom too. I'm a slut, that's my label, well one of them – maybe that's what I should have printed on my t-shirt for that stupid GaGa week."

"That's not true." Rachel began only to find herself quickly cut off.

"Really? Because I clearly remember you telling me the only future I'm going to have is working on a pole." Santana spat bitterly, the event still fresh in her mind.

Rachel flinched at the memory, "I didn't mean it, I was angry and I shouldn't have said it. But in my defence, you've thrown a lot of insults at me over the years. I distinctly remember you telling me that people 'only pretend to like me'."

Santana nodded, her eyes cast down as she mumbled, "Yeah but I never insulted your future. I'm not saying it like justifies it, but everyone knows all the crap I say about you, about anyone, is total bullshit. Everyone in glee likes you; I wasn't disappointed Quinn didn't have a lizard baby…"

Rachel had to chuckle a little at that one.

"But everyone also knows that you were right, I'm not gonna make anything of myself after high school."

"That is not true." Rachel replied instantly, she couldn't understand how the other girl could think so little of herself, or how she had never noticed it before, "I know we don't know each other that well, but I also know that given half a chance you can do anything you set your mind to. You stood up to Karofsky for Kurt and Blaine, you spend every class tutoring Brittany so she'll graduate…you're not a bad person Santana."

Santana felt herself staring at the diva in front of her, she couldn't bring herself to agree with Rachel, but with a tentatively smile tugging at her lips she shook her head in disbelief, "I can't believe you're giving me a pep talk."

"This evening has definitely been weird, right?" Rachel asked with a grin.

"You mean the bit were I thought you wanted to use me for sex or the bit where we're get along surprisingly well?" Santana quipped as she gave her friend a wink.

Rachel pretended to think about it, "All of the above."

"Yeah well…you tell anyone I actually have a soul they'll never believe you." The Latina tried to joke, her playful tone hindered by the knowledge that her statement was probably somewhat true.

Rachel sighed, if she was honest with herself she was surprised at how easily she had managed to push past Santana's infamous defences and offer friendship. But the worst part was now that she knew how easy it was she could only wonder why she hadn't tried earlier, especially now she knew for fact that all Santana had ever wanted was for someone to try. For someone to prove to her that she was worth the effort of breaking down the walls and getting to know.

"I'm sorry." Rachel whispered, as she looked at her friend who simply frowned in response, "I never realised you felt so…left out."

"Don't apologise, it's not your fault I act like a total bitch all the time." Santana shrugged, "If I was you, I wouldn't exactly have been rushing to get to know me either but hey, here we are – might as well accept this is how it was supposed to be. All dramatic and full of angst, you could write a pretty epic song about it."

"I'll keep that in mind." Rachel grinned; giving Santana a playful smirk she rolled her eyes as she saw the time, "But for now it's late and I don't know about you but I need some sleep."

Santana nodded eagerly and shooed Rachel off her bed and back onto her own, she swiftly stripped herself of her jeans and jacket and slid under the covers with surprising grace. Closing her eyes and letting out a loud yawn she listening as Rachel followed suit and once they were both in bed she waited for the diva to click off the light.

In the darkness Santana rolled her head in her friends direction, "You know you're the only person apart from Britts that's cared enough to talk to me."

"Well I do care about you." Rachel replied sincerely, a sad smile on her face, "Even if you don't make it easy all the time."

Santana laughed softly, "I'll work on that…thanks Ber-Rachel."

"You're welcome."

Santana had discovered over the years that she could pretty much sleep anywhere; at other people's houses, in her car, on couches or inflatable mattresses, so why the hell she was having such difficulty tonight was a complete mystery to her. She had tossed and turned for the better part of an hour before letting out a huff and rolling over to stare at the ceiling. She wondered if maybe it was the cruel words of the glee club ringing in her ears that was keeping her from sleep or if it was the unfamiliar urge to keep talking to Rachel. It had been so long since she had developed any kind of friendship with anyone that she was struggling to keep her normal silence.

"You still awake?" Rachel whispered, her voice making Santana jump.

With a sigh Santana replied, "Yeah…unfortunately."

Rachel shuffled around as she turned on her side and in the darkness tried to make out the other girls form, "You wanna play a game?"

"A game?"

"Yeah…to help us get to sleep." Rachel explained, "We could just take turns asking each other questions? I mean, if you want to…"

Santana thought about it for a moment, part of her hated the idea of what sounded like a pretty intrusive 'game' but the other part was strangely desperate to talk to the other girl and for them to get to know each other. She also knew that while Rachel was part of the glee family in a way she wasn't, the diva was also pretty lacking when it came to close friends, "Okay, you go first."

Starting off easy, the smaller girl smiled as she asked, "What's your favourite colour?"

"Green." Santana replied easily, "Favourite movie?"

Rachel let out a loud groan, she knew she had to be honest though, "Well, I should say _Funny Girl,_ but…_Finding Nemo_. I know it's a kids film but I love it, I really do."

Santana sniggered, she had spent a lot of time with Brittany being forced to watch Disney movies and a whole heap of other cartoons and she had to admit sometimes it was just better to watch them instead of anything more serious, "I've seen _Toy Story 3_ like, ten times and I'm still not bored of it."

As they tossed questions back and forth at each other Santana found herself more and more awake, she was surprised to find that she liked learning little details about Rachel and she had to smile as she looked over at the other girl and saw her now sat up in bed as she eagerly listened to the answers to her questions. It hadn't taken long before the playful questions turned more serious, and Santana could still feel the pang in her chest from when Rachel had talked about how sad she had been when her grandma had passed away.

Realising she had been distracted by her thoughts the Latina shook her head and focused on her friend, "What was that?"

"I asked if you have any brother or sisters." The diva repeated, "I always wanted a sibling."

When Santana stayed silent the smaller girl frowned, she knew she was still awake so rather than ask again she stayed quiet and waited for the reply.

"I…I had a sister." Santana said slowly, tears pricking at her eyes she was glad for the darkness in the room. "Her name was Yara."

Rachel froze her eyes wide as she processed the words. She was glad her friend couldn't see the shock on her face as she struggled to piece her thoughts back together, she had so many questions but she didn't know if she could ask them.

Taking the dilemma out of the singer's hands, Santana continued her voice quiet as she explained, "I was nine when she died. There was an accident, a drunk guy jumped a red light and ploughed his SUV into my mum's car. My Mom and I were fine, she got a concussion and I broke a few bones but Yara…she got the worst of it and she didn't make it, by the time they got her to hospital she was already dead. She was only fourteen."

"I'm so sorry." Rachel whispered.

Santana sighed as she pulled herself up to sit against the headboard, "It took me a long time to accept that she was gone but my parents…they have never moved on from it, it was almost eight years ago and her room is still exactly how she left it. It's like a living shrine to her."

Rachel felt her chest tighten at words, when she had lost her grandma it had been because of old age and she and her family had been heartbroken but they had the comfort of knowing she had a long, happy life and that it had simply been her time to go. She had no idea how it must feel to lose someone so young.

"Yara was perfect to them, to everyone. She was always the favourite; she got the best grades and was on all the sports teams. She was even head cheerleader." Santana continued her voice shaking as she added, "And whenever I'm at home all I'm ever reminded of, is that I will never be her. I tried so hard to live up to her memory. I joined the Cheerios because she did and the best I could do was take over while Quinn was pregnant. Yara had a higher GPA, she was prettier, skinner, people liked her…"

Sniffing back her tears, Santana bit her lips as she whispered, "You know glee was the first thing I ever did that she didn't? It's the only thing I have that's…mine. I've spent my whole life trying to make my parents proud of me because sometimes I think…I think…"

"You think what?" Rachel queried gently not wanting to push her friend to hard.

Santana felt her throat tighten as tears fell freely down her face, she barely managed to choke out her answer, "Sometimes, I think they wish it was me who died in that crash."

"You can't seriously think that?" the smaller girl gasped, her body swivelling to face her friend, "That's not true."

"Except yeah, it is." Santana mumbled, her voice cracking sadly, "They can barely even look at me because they know the wrong daughter survived, they know there's something wrong with me. I've tried so hard to be a daughter they could actually be proud of…but I'm not her. Yara was everything I'm not and Jesus, when they find out I'm-I'm…"

"When they find out what?" Rachel tried tentatively.

Santana winced, her body wracked with tears she barely managed to whisper, "When they find out I'm gay it's just going to be another way I've disappointed them. Yara could have given them a wedding and a son-in-law, my Dad would have walked her down the aisle and when they had kids my Mom could have knitted those stupid little boot things. Instead, they got left with me."

Rachel felt her own tears begin to fall as she swiftly moved from her bed and into Santana's, she didn't give it any thought as she pulled the taller girl into her arms, one hand rubbing soothing motions of her back as she said, "You can still give them all of those things Santana, just because you're gay it doesn't mean you won't find someone to share your life with and have kids. I mean, my Dads did it."

"It's not the same though, not to my parents." Santana mumbled as she allowed herself to be held by the singer, "They will always be thinking of Yara."

Rachel sighed, if she was honest she didn't really know what to say to help, but she did know one thing, "Santana, you are never going to be happy if you keep trying to compete with her memory. You are your own person and you need to embrace that."

"I know that but…I don't even know who I am." Santana argued, "I tried being someone else, I've pretty much been pretending to be someone I'm not my whole life and fuck, look where it's got me. I've stomped over everyone to get what I thought I wanted, what I thought would make my parents love me but instead everyone hates me."

"That's not true-"

"Of course it is." Santana snapped, pulled back from the embrace she wiped angrily at her tears, "I hate me, my own parents hate me, why shouldn't everyone else?"

Rachel reached out to grab both of the Latina's hands with her own, she wished she could see the other girls eyes as she argued, "You are not hated Santana, I don't know how to make you see that. I'm not going to sit here and lie to you and say you've been a perfect person; there are times when you have been mean and well…a bully. But the fact is even after all the things you've said and done you still have people who love you."

"Right, the glee club? The same 'friends' who spent most of this evening bitching about me behind my back?"

"And they feel awful about it." Rachel half-shouted, "The glee club…we fight and we bitch, but we still love each other. I know you feel like you're not a part of it but the fact is, if the club wanted you gone then they would have done something about it a long time ago."

Santana frowned, not sure if she was comforted by the words or insulted she scoffed, "Wow great, I have people who can just about put up with me enough to not kick me out of the club. Awesome."

Ignoring the sarcasm the diva ploughed on, "And you said it yourself earlier, I've taken the brunt of your bitching for years and yet, here I am. I could have ignored you when you left earlier, I could have simply not invited you at all. But I did and I followed you here because I care about you." Rachel said passionately, her will to make her friend understand powering her words, "I knew that under the image you present to the world there is a fierce, intelligent and loyal girl and tonight only proves my thoughts correct."

The other girl sighed softly as she muttered, "You think way too much of me Rachel."

"Or maybe you think too little." Rachel replied swiftly, internally stunned by her friends insecurities. She knew a lot of people saw Santana as someone who had everything and Rachel had to admit that she would never have thought the other girl was in so much pain. Rachel felt a horrible sense of awe at how well Santana had managed to hide her feelings.

"You don't even know me Berry." Santana sighed sadly.

"Maybe not." The smaller girl admitted reluctantly, "But the Santana I've gotten to know tonight, I like her."

When Santana stayed quiet Rachel bit her lip nervously, she wondered if perhaps the other girl was having a momentary panic and regretting letting her get so close. Rachel could only imagine how lonely the other girl was and that spending so much time with no real family and only Brittany as a friend had probably made Santana weary of other people.

"Isn't it better for you to be yourself rather than have everyone hate you for what you pretend to be?" Rachel finally asked, her voice quiet as though she was afraid of scaring Santana away.

The Latina felt her shoulder sag dejectedly at the question but she managed to look at the singer as she replied, "I kind of get the feeling that people are going to hate me either way and…I don't know, it's easier if they hate who they think I am."

"But it's not easier for you." Rachel argued, "I mean, I get it…it's scary to show people the real you but that's better than living a lie, right?"

"No okay, it's not!" Santana yelled, she could feel her temper rising and as usual it was to hard to contain, "I'm not like you Rachel, you know what you want from life and you know who you are. You have a family and you have friends who are all going to support you until you make it as some big Broadway star. You're proud to be who you are, what the hell do I have to be proud of?"

Rachel pulled back at the outburst, a frown on her face as she tried to interrupt and was cut off by her friends continuing rant.

"I have to watch you every fucking day…you walk around school like nothing can touch you. You're so sure of everything you do and I hate it. You aren't afraid to be yourself even if it means you get slushied every day. I hate that you can be so proud and I struggle to make it through the day without hurling myself off of a bridge."

The last statement echoed through the small room and Rachel felt her breath hitch in her throat, images of her friend standing longingly on a bridge searing themselves into her brain. She wondered for a second if the words were merely said in anger but something about the way the other girl was now trembling in her arms made Rachel realise she was serious. She could feel Santana trying to back away and without a second thought Rachel reached out to wrap her arms around her once more, her head resting slightly atop Santana's as she cradled her friend against her chest.

"I'm so tired of all of it." Santana finally whispered, her tears soaking into the smaller girls t-shirt, "When I'm at home my parents look right through me…it's like I might as well not be there at all, so most of the time I'm not. Then when I go to school, I'm just as invisible. The only time anyone ever speaks to me is if they think they'll get to fuck me or if I insult them first, no-one cares – they don't even see me as a person."

"I do." Rachel whispered fiercely, "I see you. I care."

Santana shook her head but stayed quiet. She simply couldn't find the strength to argue, mostly because she wanted so badly for Rachel to be right.

"I'm not lying to you." Rachel continued, sensing the Latina's resistance, "I know you don't want to believe me but it's true. I've tried to show you but…it was always little things that I'd hope you would notice rather than big gestures. I was always worried you would shoot me down if I tried too hard."

"What things?" Santana whispered hoarsely, her voice tinged with hope as she tried to remember.

"Well, in our first year when everyone accused you of giving Coach Sylvester the set list I believed you. I knew you loved glee, I see how different you are on stage and how much you love the music…" Rachel shrugged, "I figured that whatever you were going through, whatever was making you so angry and miserable that you had people to help you. Why didn't you ever tell anyone what was going on?"

Santana let out a bitter laugh, "Who was I supposed to tell exactly? Quinn uses anything I tell her as a way to stomp all over me, Puck barely speaks to me anymore and Brittany is way too sweet and naïve for me to lumber her with all my baggage."

"I don't think you give them enough credit." Rachel mumbled with a frown, "I mean, did you ever try to tell them?"

"No." Santana spat, adding sarcastically "Why would I do that?"

Rachel shuffled awkwardly as she pointed out, "You told me."

Santana nodded, a sad smile on her face when she realised that apart from Rachel she could only really think of three people in her life she considered friends, it wasn't exactly an uplifting thought, "I didn't exactly plan it. You just-I…you…"

"I, what?" Rachel asked patiently, not exactly used to seeing the cheerleader lost for words.

"You asked. You listened." Santana replied simply, "No-one ever listens to anything I have to say."

Rachel blinked in surprise, a swell of sadness surging through her at the quiet words. She wanted to disagree but she knew that she and the rest of the glee club had marginalised Santana's voice.

"You won't tell anyone right?" Santana asked suddenly, her face paling slightly at the thought of everyone finding out about her circumstances.

"It's not my place to." The diva replied carefully, she wished she could tell her friend that the rest of glee would support her if they found out about her history but she knew that after tonight, the Latina wouldn't even consider opening up to anyone else. Rachel had heard a lot of people talking about her in a less than nice way but she couldn't even begin to imagine how Santana must have felt overhearing the things she did.

The taller girl let out a sigh of relief as she whispered, "Thanks."

A comfortable silence filled the room and both girl's let out their own yawns as the reality of the late time caught up with them, but neither made the effort to get up from their tight embrace. With their limbs still closely intertwined the two brunettes clung together as sleep slowly took over.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N – This chapter is dedicated to my muse, EllowynTinuviel – seriously could not have got this done without her!**

**Thanks to everyone for all the reviews, they're the best part of my day : )**

When morning eventually rolled around it was the sound of Rachel's phone that shook the two girls from their sleep. As the loud beeping echoed around the room the smaller girl let out a frustrated groan, she hated not getting her full eight hours and after an emotional draining night she felt even more exhausted than normal. With a quick yawn Rachel sat up in bed and scanned the room for her phone, spotting it on the bedside table next to her she hopped up and scrambled back onto her own bed.

She could feel Santana's eyes watching her as she scanned through the text message from her Dad and as she tossed her phone back on the side she could feel the mounting tension in the room. In the stark light of day she knew that her friend would more than likely be panicking and thinking of ways to rebuild her tough exterior so Rachel decided to act fast and not let the progress of the previous night get lost under the Latina's defences. Santana needed a friend and Rachel was determined to be it.

"So…I'm thinking it's time for one almighty breakfast." Rachel beamed as she casually hopped up from her bed and made an attempt to tame her manic morning hair. Turning to face Santana she held her breath to see just what the other girl was going to do.

Santana knew it was pretty much fight or flight time and with a deep breath she bit her lip as she made her decision, "I can have bacon right?"

Rachel giggled in relief as she nodded, "You can have all the bacon you can eat, just keep it away from me."

"Deal."

After that the tension seemed to more or less vanish and the two girls, fuelled by their hunger, quickly got ready and exited the room. By the time they had made it to the nearest diner Santana was trying to persuade Rachel to let her pay.

"All I'm saying is you paid for the room last night so I should at least get breakfast."

Rachel giggled as she gave her friend a mischievous grin but before she could make any of the jokes floating around in her head Santana beat her to it, "And yes I know exactly how that sounded."

"Good to know." The smaller girl nodded as she opened the door for Santana and ushered her through, "But I still insist on paying."

Santana scoffed as she dug into her pocket to grab her credit card, waving it around she stated, "One Dad issued credit card complete with guilt money. It might not be a lot but I'm pretty sure I can stretch to breakfast. Besides, I kind of owe you after I lumbered you with all my shit last night."

Rachel shook her head as she slid into her seat in the booth, she waited until Santana had taken her place opposite before she argued, "You didn't lumber me with anything and you definitely don't owe me anything. I may not exactly be an expert on friendship but I'm relatively sure that listening and being supportive is a major role of being a friend."

Santana shrugged as she glanced down at the menu, she still felt awkward knowing that Rachel knew all of her secrets. She wasn't big on trust but last night she had thrown all of her trust into a girl she had pretty much tormented for most of high school and she couldn't help the thought that Rachel Berry now had a huge chunk of power over her. Santana was having a pretty hard time believing that Rachel wanted to be her friend and a voice in her head kept screaming at her to run away, to deny anything had ever happened.

Rachel frowned as she watched the emotions playing across the Latina's face. The other girl was normally intensely guarded but Rachel didn't need to have a lot of experience to know what she was thinking. Reaching across the table she gently tugged on one of the tanned hands that was now clutching tightly at the menu, "I know this is difficult Santana but I meant what I said last night. I want us to be friends, I'm not trying to trick you or…use you."

"You promise?" Santana asked wearily, she was more familiar with people using her for their own devices than offering friendship.

"I promise." Rachel replied solidly, "So, let's have breakfast and I can list the many reasons why bacon is yucky."

True to their word, Santana ordered the most bacon-filled sandwich she could convince the poor waitress to get and once the food had arrived Rachel proceeded to list the many reasons why she would never eat it. At one point she even drew a cartoon pig on a nearby napkin which only received a smirk from the Latina as she drank the last of her coffee and doodled her own rasher of bacon next to said pig, much to Rachel chagrin.

When all the remnants of breakfast had been cleared away and Santana had paid the bill, the two girls gathered their things together and headed back outside. The day was pleasantly warm and Santana allowed herself to smile as she felt the sun beating down on her while they wandered around town with no particular destination in mind. They were simply happy to chat mindlessly as they walked off their breakfast.

"Isn't your house around here?" Rachel asked suddenly as she came to an abrupt halt.

Santana frowned as she looked around, she had been so lost in her conversation that she hadn't noticed they had strayed into her neighbourhood, "Yeah…it's right up there."

Rachel nodded as she looked up the road Santana was gesturing to but she didn't say anything.

"Do…do you wanna see it?" Santana asked hesitantly. She was normally pretty uncomfortable in her own house so she had no idea why she was offering to show it to Rachel, Santana normally avoided being home as much as possible but part of her wanted to let her new found friend see the place she was supposed to call home and she knew that at this time of the day it would definitely be empty.

"Okay." The diva replied simply, a small smile tugging at her lips. She knew Santana was trying to let her guard down and she felt proud to be the one she was opening up to.

It only took a few minutes to get to Santana's house and looking up at it Rachel thought it looked a lot like any other family home. It was an attractive two-story house with a big front yard and a bright blue door and from the outside no-one would ever think it was anything but normal, children were playing in the street and in the house opposite a couple were busy gardening. Rachel didn't murmur any of the usual pleasantries one would generally give when visiting a friend's house, she figured Santana wouldn't want to hear it so instead she followed the Latina as she fished her keys from her pocket and unlocked the front door.

"Home sweet home." Santana muttered as she let the door swing shut behind them, the click of the latch echoing around the silent house.

Rachel didn't know what to say so she settled for giving her friend a smile as she glanced around.

"I doubt anyone's home." Santana continued, throwing her jacket over the banister of the staircase, "Come on, I'll give you the grand tour."

As Rachel followed Santana from room to room she had to admit it was a beautiful home but that something just felt…off about the whole place. Maybe it was the lack of photographs or the fact the sofa looked as though it had barely been used, maybe it was the unsettlingly sanitised show home look to each room or that it was completely quiet. Santana's voice was the only sound echoing around the lifeless home as she unenthusiastically led them around. As they headed up the stairs Rachel desperately hoped for the sound of a clock or for one of the children that had been outside to start laughing or shouting but it was as though the house was stuck in its own black hole.

Santana paused as she looked at the door in front of her, she made a habit of staying away from this particular bedroom but as her hand rested on the door she gently pushed it open and stepped inside, "And this…was Yara's room."

Rachel felt her eyes widen as she gazed around the room. In the middle was a large double bed with an array of stuffed animals and pillows neatly organised, a wardrobe and chest of draws sat facing it and the walls were plastered with photos and posters. It looked like the average teenage room, from the assortment of cosmetics lying on the bedside table down to the pile of books on the floor by the bed. Of course that wasn't the part that was making the singer so shocked and uncomfortable; the room looked as though it was frozen in time.

Rachel found herself speechless as she watched Santana picked up a framed photo from the chest of draws, with a sad smile she offered it to the singer.

Looking down the diva was met with the smiling face of a girl not dissimilar to Santana; she was younger of course and seemed to be wearing a letterman's jacket of some kind. Rachel felt her chest tighten at the thought of someone so young being killed in such a reckless and tragic way and looking up she whispered, "She's pretty."

"Yeah, she was." Santana mumbled, her eyes filled with a strange mixture of grief, resentment and guilt. Taking the picture back she returned it to its previous position, "It's one of the last photos my Mom took of her."

With a final shrug Santana turned and mumbled, "Come on, I'll show you my room."

Rachel was more than glad to get out of the bedroom; everywhere she looked Yara's smiling face was reflected back at her – a stark juxtaposition to the girl stood next to her. Not sparing another glance the singer followed Santana out of the room and into the one next to it.

"Your parents let you paint your walls black?" Rachel asked in surprise, not stopping to think her words through. The only thing she could think was that her own fathers would never agree to something so dark and depressing.

Santana shrugged, her own eyes roaming her room, "They didn't really care."

Rachel nodded, trying to avoid the awkward tension that arose from her question. As she took in the rest of her friend's room she had to admit that once you got past the initial gloominess of the paint it was the warmest and most welcoming place in the house.

"You have quite the decorative flair." Rachel said confidently as she admired the picture hanging on the wall above Santana's bed.

"Thanks, I guess." Santana replied, shifting awkwardly from foot to foot as she watched the singer wander around her room. It seemed more than a little surreal for the other girl to have made it into her inner sanctum but she was surprisingly glad to hear the compliment.

Santana never really knew why she went to such effort to make her room look like her own, after all she was barely there, but she figured it made it a little easier on the nights she did end up staying at her own house. She was always hyper-aware of the room next door to hers, with its bright walls and happy pictures, that she needed her own room to be a reflection of her personality even if she was hiding her true self away. Her parents never strayed into her bedroom so it had become the one place in the house she could be herself even if she couldn't seem to shake the lingering sadness of the house.

"You own _Rent_?" Rachel asked suddenly, drawing Santana's attention away from her thoughts and back towards the smaller girl who had now moved on the gaze at her extensive movie collection.

Santana had to laugh at the surprise in the other girls voice, "I'm in glee club aren't I? There are _some_ musicals that I like."

"I had you down as more of a horror kind of a girl." Rachel said with a grin as she gestured to the wall of horror DVD's, "So, what other musicals do you like?"

The taller girl rolled her eyes as she wandered over to stand by her friend, she had a feeling Rachel was about to propose some kind of epic movie night and she was actually more than okay about it. Pointing from case to case she began, "You make fun of me about this and I will kick your ass; _Chicago, Grease, Hairspray _and obviously _The Rocky Horror Picture Show._"

Rachel's eyes widen as she clapped her hands together happily, "Can we watch one now? Please?"

Santana had to laugh as she nodded and received an excited squeal in return, "I get to pick though."

It turned out that picking a DVD wasn't tough at all, especially when one became two and then three and soon enough the whole afternoon had swept past in a blur of songs and laughter. Santana couldn't remember the last time she had so much fun. At first it had been a little awkward, they had sat side-by-side on Santana's bed among an array of snacks and drinks the Latina had fetched from the kitchen and both girls were very aware of how bizarre the situation was. The day before they were barely on acquaintance terms and now they were spending the day together but by the time the last notes of _All That Jazz_ had played out the two were happily sharing a bag of chips and arguing playfully over which pizza place to order from.

It was only when Santana was in the process of changing DVD's and the sound of the front door slamming shut rang through the house that their bubble was broken. The Latina felt her shoulders sag as she instinctively listened out to the sound of footsteps and the first clinking together of bottles as the alcohol cupboard was opened. The noise cut through her like a knife and any happy thoughts she had been having evaporated, turning to Rachel she saw her friend watching her intently and in a quiet voice she explained, "My Mom's home."

Rachel nodded, part of her was waiting for the sound of footsteps clambering up the stairs and a happy burst of energy as Santana's Mom came sweeping into the room to see her daughter but she knew that she would be waiting for that scenario for a long time, and that Santana had probably been waiting most of her life for it, "What does she do?"

"She works for a law firm doing some administrative thing, I'm pretty sure she hates it but she just wants to be out of the house, both my parents do." Santana replied dully as she switched off the television and shuffled back over to the bed where she sank down on the edge with her back to Rachel, "My Dad's a doctor, he works every day he can. Neither of them are around much, I doubt my Dad would even recognise me if he saw me."

Rachel sighed as she reached out to place a comforting hand on Santana's shoulder.

"I wish I was exaggerating but it's true." The Latina continued, her throat tight as she choked on the words, "After Yara was gone it was like neither of them could bear to be in this house, they avoid each other as much as they avoid me. We haven't spent any time together since she died, I stay with my grandparents in Puerto Rico every holiday because I can't fucking stand to be here. We haven't celebrated Christmas in years, it all just stopped; Christmas, Easter, birthdays…"

"Have you tried talking to them about it?" Rachel asked tentatively.

"It's no use; they don't want to hear it." Santana mumbled as she wiped away a few stray tears as the sound of a glass smashing cut through the room followed by a loud barrage of angry Spanish, "I don't want to be here, we have to go."

Rachel nodded quickly, her own eyes stinging with tears as she watched Santana's defeated form rise from the bed and grab a jacket. As she followed Santana out of the room and down the stairs the singer couldn't help the curiosity that was rising up at the thought of actually seeing Mrs Lopez. She figured Santana was pretty set on getting out of house without dealing with her mother but as they made it to the hallway Rachel cast a quick look towards the kitchen where she could hear the older woman moving around.

Santana noticed the other girl's attention wavering and she realised what her friend was thinking. A wave of anger rose up within her as a voice in her head mocked her, what if Rachel thought she was just being dramatic about her family or what if worse, she was starting to think of her as some kind of charity project? Before Santana could say anything to sabotage her new fledgling friendship the kitchen door swung open and Mrs Lopez appeared. Santana blinked in surprise before turning to Rachel to gage her reaction.

The first thing that hit Rachel was the family resemblance; Santana had clearly inherited her good looks from her Mother. Both Lopez women had the same dark, flowing hair and smouldering eyes and Rachel was a little jealous of the genes that could make one family so beautiful. But as Mrs Lopez came a little closer it was easy to see the tiredness in the older woman's face and the sadness she was trying to mask. She imagined the older woman had been quite the untamed beauty in her day, but had been left empty and heartbroken.

"Hola Mami." Santana said her voice quiet as she tried to get her mother's attention.

"Santana." Mrs Lopez stated, the glazed look in her eyes enough to let the two girls know that the drink in her hands was the not the first of the day.

Santana sighed, she missed the days when her Mom called her San or Ana but there were no nicknames anymore. Shaking off the nostalgia Santana gestured to her friend, "Mami this is Rachel Berry…from glee club. Rachel, this is my Mom – Marianna."

Rachel flashed Marianna her winning smile as she extended a hand to greet the older woman, "It's nice to meet you."

Marianna offered a small smile in return as she turned and made her way back into the kitchen leaving Rachel's hand hanging awkwardly in mid-air. Santana frowned at the rudeness, she had expected her mother to at least attempt some form of polite conversation but instead she was headed straight back to the liquor cabinet to refill her glass.

Santana didn't know if it was because she needed to make a point but she found herself following her Mom into the kitchen with Rachel trailing behind her, maybe she just needed someone else to see how her parents were to prove to herself that it wasn't all in her head. As she watched her Mom pouring another drink she tried again, "Rachel is the lead singer – she's really good, awesome actually."

"That's nice." Mariana replied distractedly as she took a sip.

Santana could feel her spirits slipping even further and with a defeated shrug in Rachel's direction she turned to leave the kitchen. It had been a stupid idea to think that her Mom might actually pretend to care if someone else was there.

"Santana's pretty awesome herself." Rachel said suddenly, her eyes focused on the older woman as she willed her to make some kind of acknowledgment of her daughter, "Her version of _Valerie_ was phenomenal this year and she wrote a great song for Nationals."

Marianna nodded but clearly had no interest in replying as instead she slid down onto one of the stools surrounding the breakfast bar and toyed idly with her glass.

"I invited you to that, remember?" Santana tried, gritting her teeth as she tried to control her anger, "I told you it was going to be my first solo in a competition…that Mr Schue and the rest of the group believed in me enough to let me sing lead."

Marianna let out a quiet hum, her eyes focused downward at the table, "I'm sure it was fun."

Santana baulked, her Mom couldn't even muster up the energy to fake a compliment to humour her. It was bad enough the older woman had never even seen her perform – never seen her do the one thing she loved to do. Santana felt her fist clench as she spat, "You would have known that if you'd turned up."

"Work is busy, you know that."

Rachel closed her eyes as the dull words echoed around the kitchen. She couldn't believe how easily Mrs Lopez was blowing her own daughter off, she couldn't even apologise for not showing up to competition. It wasn't as though the older woman was out rightly mean but it was obvious that she had no interest in talking to Santana about anything. Rachel risked a glance at her friend; she had been expecting an outburst of epic proportions with some ranting in Spanish and probably a few angry hand gestures.

Instead, the younger girl seemed to deflate and with a small nod she mumbled, "Yeah…right. Come on Rachel, we should go."

Rachel felt her jaw drop at the scene, the way Santana had simply accepted her mother's neglect as inevitable and the way Mrs Lopez barely reacted at all. The next words were out of her mouth before she could stop them, "That's it?"

Santana frowned as she glared at the smaller girl, "What were you expecting? A fucking welcoming party?"

Rachel shook her head, "No…but I don't understand…"

"Oh, I'm sorry - you don't understand?" Santana snapped sarcastically, some of normal temper flaring back into life, "Let me spell it out for you, I'm not perfect like Yara was. Therefore my Mom doesn't give a fuck, did I not cover this earlier?"

"Don't talk about her like that." Marianna said suddenly, her eyes meeting her daughters as she slammed her glass down.

Santana scoffed as she crossed her arms and glared back at her mother.

"She died San, you can't-"

"I know that!" Santana exploded, angry tears pooling at the corner of her eyes, "I fucking know that okay, but I didn't die Mom. I'm right fucking here and I…you don't even see me. I'm your daughter too and I need you. I need my Mom but you don't even care."

And there it was, the thing Santana had been wanting to tell her Mom for years but had always been too afraid. Taking a deep breath she felt Rachel edging closer to her side in what she could only assume was moral support; she resisted the urge to cling to the other girls arm and instead focused on her Mother's reaction. She was waiting for anger, sadness maybe even some hate towards her either way she desperately needed to see some kind of emotion that was for her.

Marianna was quiet for a moment before she stood from her place at the table, with a shake of her head she turned her gaze away from her daughter, "I…I can't deal with this right now…"

"Mom…" Santana whispered brokenly, as she took a step forward, "Mom please-"

"No." Marianna whispered her face devoid of emotion as her feet were already propelling her away from her daughter and out of the kitchen.

Santana tried to hold back her tears as she watched her mother leave but she knew it was impossible. As the sobs began to wrack her body she felt Rachel move to draw her into a hug and with a jerk she pulled away from the smaller girl as she shouted, "Leave me the hell alone!"

She didn't stop to think as she slammed past Rachel and headed for the front door, she didn't know where she was going but she knew she needed to get out of her house as fast as possible. She only made it to her car before she collapsed her back leaning heavily against the door as she fell to the ground.

"Santana, wait!"

The sound of Rachel's voice drifting over to her wasn't enough to make Santana pick her head up from where she had buried in against her knees as she curled herself into a ball, "Go away Manhands, for fucks sake."

Rachel hesitated before sliding down next to her friend. She knew Santana was going to yell at her, she knew she was going to call her names and try to make her leave but if Rachel was anything, it was stubborn and Santana was not about to get rid of her that easily.

"I said, fuck off." The Latina repeated, but the anger had quickly faded and been replaced by a new sense of desperation, "Go away, leave me alone just like everyone else does."

"I'm not going anywhere." Rachel replied firmly as she shuffled closer to the girl until they were sitting side-by-side.

Santana sobbed as she moved her head to stare at Rachel, "Please. Rachel, I can't…"

As the Latina's words were lost to her tears Rachel found she didn't need to hear her friend to know what she was thinking. Leaning over she abandoned all reservation and pulled the crying girl into a hug, her arms wrapping around Santana and pulling her against her chest. She felt Santana fight for a moment before falling into the embrace and Rachel knew that despite the initial anger that all her friend wanted was for someone to show her some affection and to be there for her.

"I'm not going anywhere." Rachel repeated fiercely as she felt Santana gripping at her top, "I'm right here."

Rachel felt her own tears begin to fall as the other girl sobbed against her chest; Santana had been abandoned by so many people who were supposed to care for her that the singer wondered how she was still able to cope. Rachel may have had her own troubles but she always knew her Dads would be there for her. They had watched every single thing she had ever performed or competed in since she was a little girl, they held her when she spent hours crying over Shelby's rejection. They helped her wash the slushy stains out of her clothes while respecting her decision to deal with the bullies at school on her own terms. They treated her with nothing but love and respect even when her flamboyant diva tendencies spiralled out of control, they always knew what to say and what she needed to hear. Rachel knew she wouldn't have been able to survive without their support and the idea of going it alone like Santana had been made her chest ache with sympathy.

Rachel held Santana until her tears began to fade, the light of the afternoon disappearing along with them and edging them into the early evening. As the temperature began to cool the singer shuffled back slightly to look down at her friend, "Come on, we can't stay out here all night."

"Where are we going?" Santana replied, her voice hoarse as she used her sleeve to wipe her face.

"Back to my house."

Santana shook her head adamantly, "No. No I'm not-"

"It's okay, my Dads are having dinner with friends." Rachel interrupted, knowing the other girl was not going to like the idea of having to see her Dads again, "We'll have the house to ourselves."

"And when they get back?"

The singer shrugged, she didn't exactly know how her Dads were going to feel about Santana being in their house. She knew beyond a doubt that they felt guilty about what they had inadvertently said to Santana but that didn't guarantee they would be happy about her staying with them.

"I'm not going where I'm not wanted." Santana stated darkly, her eyes dropping to the ground, "I might as well stay here."

"I want you." Rachel argued, her cheeks flushing at her choice of words as she added in a fluster, "I mean….I…I want…at my house. I want you to come with me to my house."

A small smile flickered briefly across the Latina's features, she tried to ignore how cute her friend looked – she knew that would only lead to trouble, "Okay."

"Okay?"

"Okay but I'm exhausted so we're taking my car and if either of your Dads are there then…I'm gone."

Hoisting herself up from the floor Rachel grinned and offered a hand to Santana who rolled her eyes as she let the smaller girl tug her to her feet.

When Santana had fished her keys out of her pocket she slid into the driver's seat and let the engine roar to life. She loved listening to the hum of the car and as Rachel slid in next to her she allowed her body to relax a little. She didn't exactly know how the hell the rest of the evening was going to play out and she was pretty sure Rachel's Dads were going to freak out when, or if, they saw her but for some reason with Rachel by her side she wasn't as worried as she would have been.

Reaching out the Latina took the diva's hand as it stretched out towards the dashboard, and lacing their fingers together she murmured softly, "Don't touch the CD player."

"No fair."

Laughing at the pout that appear on her friends face she pulled away from the curb, her hand still locked with the diva's as they left the shadow of the Lopez house.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N – I'm glad people are enjoying this fic, thanks for sticking with me. I have a lot of this written so I'm hoping to update a little more frequently this week but no promises, work sometimes kicks my butt. **

**Trustinfaith; There's more angst to come, and sad!santana, but don't worry Rachel's always close by to help : )**

**LaurenKnight13; I can't wait to delve more into Mrs Lopez and her issues, I hope I do it justice because she's both a neglectful mother and a grieving mother and it's a lot of pressure to balance the two sides out.**

**SummerAngel; I'm going to throw a lot at Santana (as I normally do) the dynamic between her and the rest of the glee club has always intrigued/annoyed me and I had to write something about it. Santana is such a potentially tragic character that there are so many possibilities for her and I had to do this one it's been eating away at me for ages.**

**HopelessHeart; that was actually my favourite line to write in the whole story so far, I wanted Santana to just break it down to the heart-breaking simple fact.**

**G6-flying; Thank you so much :D Mrs Lopez is one of the most complex character's I've written/invented so I'm hoping when she pops back up I can write it as well as I can imagine it.**

Santana let out a loud sigh as she collapsed onto the oversized sofa in the Berry's front room. She was glad the house had been empty when they had arrived and even happier when Rachel had suggested they order in a mountain of food for dinner. She knew the diva wasn't about to let everything that had happened that afternoon drop so Santana comforted herself with the fact she was at least getting some pizza to take the edge off.

"Okay." Rachel beamed as she came back into the room and placed a big bottle of coke on the table before sinking down on the sofa next to her friend, "Pizza will be here in thirty minutes or less, we have; drinks, a comfy couch and endless hours of mindless television at the touch of a button. What more could a girl ask for?"

Santana let out a small chuckle, she knew Rachel was being even more overly optimistic than usual to make her feel better and while normally it would have annoyed her the Latina was surprised to find herself grateful to have a friend like Rachel.

"Although I have to say, your pizza toppings choices leave a lot to be desired. Anchovies? Gross." The smaller girl said, making sure to shudder for extra emphasis.

"This from the girl who has pineapple."

"What's wrong with pineapple?" Rachel gasped her eyes wide as she stared at her friend.

With a shrug Santana replied, "Sweet and savoury do not go together. Pineapple is for dessert not dinner."

"You are so wrong it's unbelievable."

"Pfft, I'm always right and you know it." Santana joked; some of her usual swagger coming back as she gave Rachel a challenging look.

Rachel narrowed her eyes as she returned the look, her hand sneaking behind her back she managed to clasp hold of one of the many cushions lining the couch, "Is that so?"

"It's a fact." Santana nodded, not missing the indiscreet movements of her friend. She mirrored Rachel's actions and in one smooth motion grabbed hold of one of the cushions behind her.

"A fact? Huh because I thought…"

Rachel didn't finish her sentence as she quickly launched the cushion she was holding at Santana, erupting with laughter as she landed the first blow. Santana growled, she hadn't been prepared for how quick Rachel was but she recovered enough to dodge the singer's second attempt and launch her own counter offensive. As the pillow softly clocked the smaller girl around the head both girls burst into giggles.

"This means war!" Rachel shouted as she popped up from the couch to grab a cushion and shuffle behind one the chairs for cover.

"Oh, it's on." Santana grinned.

Ten minutes, and a lot of cushions later, the two girls flopped back onto the couch exhausted. Santana was still laughing at the memory of Rachel running into the downstairs closet to hide and Rachel was still giggling at the memory of Santana shrieking like a little girl when she clumsily tripped over a rug. They were both still trying to get their breath back when the doorbell rang.

"Pizza!" Rachel cheered as she scooped herself up gracefully and skipped over to the front door.

Santana hoisted herself upright as she listened to Rachel and the delivery guy, her stomach was growling and as the smell of the pizza filled the house she waited for her friend to return.

When Rachel came back she placed the two boxes on the table and dropped herself back on the couch with a confused frown, "I think the delivery guy was laughing at me."

Santana, whose eyes had been glued to the food, was about to deny it when her eyes fell on the diva. With a chuckle of her own she leant over to smooth down the other girls hair, which was sticking out at crazy angles from static.

"Oh." Rachel blushed, waiting for Santana to finish before helping herself to a slice of pizza.

Santana didn't know why she chose to sort the diva's hair out herself rather than just tell her friend but she had committed to it and it was kind of nice to have some interaction with someone, even if it was only to fix her hair.

The two girls ate in silence for a while but Santana knew that Rachel was debating something, she could see the tiny thoughts lines developing across the smaller girls forehead and as the minutes ticked by she could feel herself getting impatient, "Oh my god, will you just ask whatever it is you want to ask?"

"What?"

"I can hear you thinking." Santana said with a roll of her eyes, "And it's kind of creepy when you're quiet for so long, so do us both a favour and speak already before you like, implode."

Rachel shook her head, "We should eat first."

"Please, whatever you're going to say is probably going to be a lot easier to deal with if I have pizza to distract me." Santana argued, her eyes dropping to the cardboard box in front of her as she took another slice to hide how awkward she felt, "And I'm down to my last few slices, so hurry up."

Rachel nodded, and swallowing the rest of her mouthful she took a deep breath before plunging right in, she had always prided herself on being straight forward and she knew the Latina would only get more agitated if she tried to talk her way around it, "Your parents they don't…I mean, they haven't ever…been violent?"

Santana felt her throat tighten at the hesitant words, the worry behind the singer's question made the Latina snap her eyes up from her food as she shook her head, "No. No, they would actually have to acknowledge my presence to do that, so no. I mean they shout a lot and like, throw things but they don't beat me or anything…"

"They throw things?"

"My Dad mostly…my Mom just kind of, sits there…but when he's home something always gets smashed." Santana said quietly, "It's a good thing he's at the hospital most of the time."

"What were they like…before?" Rachel asked, twisting her body so she was sitting cross legged on the couch, her back resting against the arm as she looked at her friend.

Santana frowned as she finished the last of her pizza, trying to bide her time before she answered. She hated thinking about life before Yara's death, it only made it harder to think about how bad things had gotten. Dusting down her hands Santana sighed as she leant back against the couch, her own legs tucked underneath her as she turned her head to look at Rachel, "My Mom was…I remember that she used to bake these amazing cookies every Sunday after church. Yara and I would help and my Dad would pretend to watch whatever game was on so he could avoid the kitchen, he was a cooking disaster, but then when the cookies were ready we'd all sit around the kitchen table and eat the entire batch while my Dad told stupid stories. He's always worked a lot, I mean he's a doctor so…but he came home every night and even if we were asleep he'd come in and check on us. I never told him but I used to wake up just to see him, I pretended to be asleep though because I was worried if he knew I was deliberately waking up he'd feel guilty and stop coming to see me."

Rachel felt her heart ache as the normally fierce girl crumbled, her shoulder sagging as tears pooled in her eyes, "I know it sounds stupid…I barely even remember what it used to be like before Yara died but still…I miss it. I miss my parents, I miss arguing with my Mom over what sandwiches to have for school and my Dad switching them if I lost."

Rachel bit her lips as she tried to remain in control of her own emotions, and reaching a hand forward she took one of Santana's and linked their fingers together, "I'm sorry San."

Santana let out a shaky laugh, her head tilted back as she willed the tears to stop, "Yeah, me too."

"What happened to the guy who hit you?" the singer asked, changing the subject away from Santana's parents.

"He got ten years…." Santana whispered angrily, "He ripped my family apart and all he got was ten fucking years. He should never have been behind the wheel, he was three times over the limit and he broke a red light and…I just don't understand why he did it. Why wasn't he the one who got hurt? He made that choice, he put everyone else at risk and he walked away from it."

Rachel wished she had an answer for the other girl, she wished she could offer her friend some kind of help but the fact was everything that had happened was a tragic accident that had unfairly taken the life of someone who was in the wrong place at the wrong time. The singer failed to hold back her tears as Santana fell into her arms, her head buried against the smaller girls shoulder as sobs wracked her body. Rachel wondered if Santana had ever talked to anyone about what had happened or if she had simply bottled it up and tried to deal with it by herself, it wasn't a stretch of the imagination to realise that her parents had probably been too caught up in their own grief to help their daughter. Running a hand through Santana's hair Rachel did the only thing she could do and whispered soothing words as the Latina allowed herself to cry.

Neither girl was sure how much time passed but eventually Santana collected herself enough to relax her grip on Rachel's t-shirt. Unwilling to leave the safety of the other girl's arms she lifted a hand to wipe away the last of her tears and mumbled, "Sorry."

"You don't have anything to be sorry for." Rachel whispered, she could feel Santana shifting awkwardly and she knew the other girl was embarrassed about her breakdown, with a final calming squeeze she added, "So, how about I make us some hot chocolate and we can go watch a movie in my room?"

Santana nodded against the singer's chest and reluctantly pulled back to give her friend a watery smile, "Sounds good."

"Good." Rachel smiled as she clapped her hands together and popped up from the couch, a strange look passing over her features before she mumbled, "But first…bathroom!"

The Latina couldn't help but let out a tiny chuckle as Rachel made a beeline for the stairs and dashed up them quicker than Santana had ever seen her move. Slumping back on the couch Santana made a half-assed attempt to wipe away what she was sure were the remains of her make-up from her face, even the best waterproof mascara wouldn't have survived her outburst. As she was finishing her efforts a noise at the front door drew her attention.

"Shit. No, no, no…." Santana muttered to herself as she stood up from the couch. She didn't really have a plan though and instead found herself right in the middle of the Berry lounge as Hiram and Leroy entered.

"I swear to God, that man has the best stories." Hiram laughed as he stepped inside followed closely by his husband, "Do you think-" The older man's sentence fell short as he set eyes on Santana.

"What are you doing here?" Leroy asked as he and Hiram stopped in the hallway.

Santana sighed as her eyes dropped to the floor, she should have known the evening would end like this. She had hoped that she could sneak up to Rachel's room before her Dads got home, and she figured that was Rachel's plan too, but as usual luck was not on her side. Although Leroy's tone wasn't horrible, it wasn't exactly welcoming either.

"Rachel is upstairs." Santana stated as she checked her car keys were still in her pocket, "She invited me here okay?"

Hiram frowned, "Okay-"

"Sorry, I'll go wait outside or something." Santana interrupted, her feet already carrying her to the door as she added bitterly, "I wouldn't want to poison your home."

Hiram and Leroy exchanged a look but before either of them could speak, Rachel's voice came blaring across the hallway, "What's going on?"

"Your Dads are back." The Latina replied dully, her hands shoved firmly in her jacket pockets as she tried to appear nonchalant, "I'll see you around."

"What? No!" the diva replied forceful as she stamped her way down the last of the stairs and came to a stop next to her Dads as Santana opened the front door, "You can't throw her out-"

"Rach, it's fine. They aren't the first parents to hate me. I think we're all well aware of what a waste of space I am. I'm not worth the argument, believe me." Santana interrupted, her words shocking the Berry men.

Taking advantage of the stunned silence Santana quickly slipped out of the house, her shoulders sagging as she headed to her car and tried to work out if she had enough gas to at least get the heat going for some of the night. She was so distracted thinking about whether she had remembered to put in some new pillows that it took her a while to notice the three people following her. While Rachel had managed to appear at her side, Hiram and Leroy where lingering behind her and Santana couldn't help getting agitated, "Jesus, I'm fucking going alright? You don't have to see me off the property line god, you're as bad as the Fabrays."

"What?" Rachel asked, a frown on her face as she took hold of one of the Latina's hands to make her stop.

"Oh yeah, Mr Fabray told me he didn't want me lowering his property value. Racist bastard. Mrs Puckerman told me she didn't want to deal with any unwanted teen pregnancy, ironic, Mrs Pierce told me I was a bad influence and when I went to Mercedes house to work on our duets project last year we had to go in the back yard because apparently my reputation precedes me and all her siblings were terrified and her Mom banned me from the house." Turning to shoot a look at the Berry men Santana shook her head, "So, don't worry you're not alone."

Hiram took a step forward, "Santana, I'm sorry for what I said earlier-"

"No, you're not." Santana stated bluntly, her hands already gripping her car keys, "You feel guilty that I heard you but don't lie and say you're sorry because you meant it and I don't blame you. You should hate me, I deserve it – I am poison."

Rachel felt her heart sink at the words, and the expression on her Dads face's told her they were not expecting that type of outburst, "I wish you wouldn't talk about yourself like that."

"Whatever." The Latina muttered as she unlocked her car and wrenched open the door.

In a desperate move Rachel grabbed hold of the door before it slammed shut and using her body to stand between the car and the door she stared at her friend willing her to look at her, "San…please…"

"Can you move?" the taller girl whispered, her hand clasping the steering wheel as she glared at the dashboard to avoiding making eye contact. "Rachel. Move."

Rachel stood her ground, she could feel her parents watching the exchange but they made no attempt to intervene. She knew they were probably shocked, they had more than likely expected the girl they had heard rumours and stories about, the fierce cocky cheerleader not the broken shell that had been left behind.

"I swear to god, if you don't move right now I will make you." Santana barked her normal anger replaced with desperation and tears. "Let me go!"

"No, I-"

Rachel didn't get a chance to finish her sentence as one of Santana's hands reached out and shoved her away, it wasn't particularly hard but it did catch the diva off-guard enough for her to stumble back slightly. Santana took full advantage and quickly slammed the door shut as she revved the engine.

"Santana! No! Stop!" Rachel tried, raking a hand through her hair as looked to her parents for help. The men seemed too stunned to do much more than move forward to stand at her side.

Shifting the car into reverse Santana paused as she finally looked at her friend, the pleading look crushing what was left of her spirit. She didn't want to go but she knew deep down it was the best thing to do for everyone, it had been selfish of her to think Rachel could help and she cursed herself for dragging the other girl down as much as she had. Santana shook her head as she mouthed, "Sorry." Slamming her foot down on the accelerator she shot backwards and out of the drive knowing that despite how much this was hurting her it was helping Rachel twice as much.

As the car sped out of sight Rachel could only watch, her thoughts in turmoil as the taillights disappeared from sight.

"Rachel, sweetie…." Leroy tried, his hand reaching out to clasp his daughters shoulder.

"I have to find her." Rachel stated calmly, one hand already wiping away the tears as she formulated a plan. "I need my phone and my keys."

"Rachel…"

"No, this the only safe place she had and I let her leave. I'm going to find her and I'm not coming back unless she's with me."


	6. Chapter 6

It had been twenty minutes since Rachel jumped in her Prius and set out to hunt Santana down and as she slowed her car to a halt outside the coffee shop she had found the Latina at previously, she was starting to think it was a lost cause. Every place she had checked, included the Lopez residence, had been a complete bust. Of course she hadn't expected Santana to go home but she held out a tiny shred of hope that the Latina would at least be safe in a house rather than sleeping in her car.

Worry was starting to edge into panic and so Rachel did the one thing she had been holding off on. Digging her cell phone out of her pocket she paused over the contacts list, she had already dialled Santana countless times with no response but she figured there was one person who might know where Santana was.

Listening to the phone ring, Rachel took a deep breath as a perky voice answered, "Rachel?"

"Hey Brittany." Rachel replied, trying to keep herself calm. She didn't want to worry the blonde but she knew that if anyone had any idea where Santana might go then it was the dancer. Rachel had already driven past Brittany's house, as well as Quinn's and Puck's, but there was no sight of her friend.

"Rachel?" Brittany repeated, "Are you there?"

"I'm here." Rachel answered.

"Is Santana with you?"

Rachel frowned, she should have been angry that Brittany had stolen her line of questioning but the small, nervous voice on the other end of the line was so unlike the dancer that Rachel could only sigh, "Not right now no. She's been with me since…since the other night-"

"Is she okay? I tried to call her but I think-I think she's ignoring me." Brittany said, her voice strained as she cried, "I don't blame her. I should have said something. She always stands up for me but I-I…"

Rachel heard the other girl descend into sobs, she wanted to comfort her but the truth was Santana wasn't the only one angry with Brittany. Rachel had watched countless times as Santana had defended the blonde at every opportunity but for whatever reason Brittany had said nothing while the glee club insulted her best friend.

"Listen Brittany, I know you're upset but I need you to help me." Rachel said sternly as she regained her composure, "I need to find Santana. Where would she go if she was upset?"

"Does she have her car?" the blonde whispered.

It only took a few minutes for Rachel to note down the list of places the blonde suggested, some of which Rachel had already tried with no luck. As she hung up the phone the singer stared down at the list realising that one place stuck out more than any other, with a shake of her head she wondered why she hadn't thought of it before.

Rachel shifted her car into gear and with a little more speed than she normally allowed she quickly made her way towards where she knew Santana would be. It seemed so obvious now that when she pulled into the car park and spotted the other girls car parked in the far corner she could only shake her head at her slow-wittedness. Rachel parked her car alongside the battered old mustang and knowing the sound of her car would have alerted Santana to someone arriving she hopped out of the Prius and shouted, "Santana?"

Edging her way to the passenger side she peered in the window and felt her heartbreak at the sight. Santana was sat in the driver's side, her seat pushed back as far as it would go as she clutched a bottle of vodka in one hand and a blanket around her shivering body. The Latina rolled her head to look blankly at her friend then turned to stare back out the windscreen as she pretended to ignore her.

"Santana." Rachel repeated as softly as possible, "Open the door, please."

Santana shook her head and instead took another sip of vodka, her face screwing up tightly as the liquid burnt its way down her throat.

"If you don't I'll…." Rachel thought for a second, she knew her options were pretty limited, "I'll smash the window."

"No, you won't." Santana said, finally breaking her silence.

With a growl Rachel turned on her heel and began scanning the ground, scooping up a nearby rock she gestured it towards Santana, "I'm serious San, let me in."

The Latina squinted her eyes as she debated how far the singer would go, with a shrug she turned back to stare out the windscreen but Rachel could see her watching out of her peripheral vision.

"Fine, you asked for it." The diva replied, pulling back the stone she prayed that this didn't somehow end in a criminal record.

Just as she was swinging the rock down she heard Santana's panicked voice, "Fuck, Rachel. Stop."

The singer froze, her hand inches away from the glass she let out a sigh of relief as she watched Santana lean over and flick up the lock. Rachel wasted no time in sliding into the passenger seat and as the door clicked shut she raised an eyebrow in Santana's direction, "I told you I was serious."

"What do you want?" Santana slurred, a shiver rippling through her body.

Rachel looked pensive for a moment before settling on her main request, "I want you to stop pushing me away."

"It's better this way."

"Don't give me that martyr bullshit." Rachel exploded, her outburst making the other girl jump and turn to stare at her in disbelief, "Don't sit there and pretend you're doing this for my sake because you being out here alone is not making my life easier, in fact its making it pretty damn miserable."

Santana clenched her jaw as she spat, "That's kind of my point, you wouldn't be miserable at all right now if it wasn't for me."

"You are so stubborn." The diva huffed in frustration, her body twisting so she could face her friend, "If I didn't want to be here then I wouldn't be. I'm not saying this whole situation isn't…difficult but just because it is, that doesn't mean I'm going to give up on you." Rachel's voice softened as she reached out a hand to brush the hair from Santana's face, "I know you're scared San but I'm here, I'm not leaving."

Santana tried to swallow back her tears as she muttered sadly, "That's what everyone says and…they all left."

"Well I won't and you should know me well enough to know that I'm a pretty determined person." the diva replied forcefully, her hand dropping to peel the bottle of vodka from the Latina's hands, " You can't push me away, even when you actually physically do."

Santana winced, her eyes dropping shamefully as she remembered shoving the small girl, "I'm…sorry about…I shouldn't have…."

"It's okay." Rachel interrupted. Quickly shoving the vodka under her seat the singer reached out to take one of Santana's hands, she could feel the other girl shivering and so Rachel shuffled a little closer hoping her proximity would help warm her friend. They sat huddled together for a few moments and when Rachel felt Santana finally relax against her she whispered, "So, the cemetery huh?"

Santana sighed, "I know it's kind of freaky or…morbid but I've always found it peaceful plus it's one of the only places most people avoid so I don't have to worry about anyone seeing me. And I just…I-"

Rachel tiled her head as she looked at Santana's shivering frame, in one smooth motion she wrapped an arm around the darker girl and pulled her awkwardly against her chest. It wasn't the most comfortable of positions but Rachel gladly leant over the handbrake to at least try and stop the cold that was seeping into Santana's body.

"It's nice you know…" Santana started and for a second Rachel found herself wondering if she meant the embrace, "I mean, I feel closer to Yara here."

"She's buried here?"

Santana nodded, "My parents used to visit her every weekend but I think…it got too hard for them so they stopped. I think they felt like they were just reminding themselves that she was gone. I never felt like that though."

"Do you come here a lot?" Rachel asked, her worry subsiding as Santana began to warm up next to her.

"Yeah, I…" Santana trailed off her eyes drifting down as she shifting awkwardly.

"What?"

Santana was quiet for a moment before she whispered, "After everything that's happened sometimes I…I feel guilty because I find myself hating her. I hate that she was so perfect and that my parents loved her more and it's horrible because it's…she fucking died and sometimes I can't help but be angry at her for something that could never be her fault."

"You can't help the way you feel Santana." Rachel reassured her friend, "It's only natural that you would feel some resentment."

"Is it?" Santana asked, moving back to look at Rachel, "It doesn't feel like it. I can't even miss my own sister without being a bitch."

Rachel shook her head as she reached out with her free hand to run a comforting hand along the Latina's arm, "This isn't about you being a bitch Santana. This is you dealing with way too much on your own, you're been strong by yourself for too long. It's okay to need someone sometimes."

"I just want to be able to miss my sister without feeling all of this bad stuff towards her." Santana said, her voice catching as she held back her tears, "She doesn't deserve that. She was the best sister ever and it's not her I'm angry at…it's my parents."

"Oh sweetie." Rachel mumbled as she felt Santana fell into her arms.

The two girls clung together as Rachel whispered soothing words to the grieving Latina, the moment was only broken when a fierce shiver ran through Santana as her blanket came loose and the chill of the night sunk into her body. Rachel was glad she had managed to grab one of her warmer jackets before bolting out of her house, "Come on. We can't stay out here all night."

"Sorry." Santana sniffed as she quickly tore herself away and sunk back into her seat, "It's late, you should probably be getting home."

Rachel felt her eyes widen as she stared at her friend in disbelief, "Okay, did you not hear the first part of this conversation? The part where I told you I came looking for you so I could be here for you?"

Santana frowned but remained silent.

"I'm not leaving without you." The diva concluded, rolling her eyes at the stubborn girl next to her, "We are going back to my house. I am going to make you the best cup of hot chocolate you have ever had and then we are getting some sleep in a house, in a bed and with blankets and pillows not the front seat of your freezing cold car."

Again Santana remained silent but this time she gave a small shrug and a shake of her head. The idea of going back to the Berry's was not a particularly appealing one, she knew if she turned up now she would only be cementing her image as a drunken mess and after causing such a scene earlier she wasn't exactly keen on the idea up living up to Rachel's Dad's image of how awful she was.

"My Dads agreed to stay out of the way, for tonight at least." Rachel added as she saw the reluctance, "Don't worry, I haven't told them anything but…they know something is wrong."

"So, I'm like a charity case to them now or something?" Santana scoffed as she crossed her arms.

"No, I only meant that whilst they agreed to give us some space tonight they will probably want to speak to you in the morning. To apologise." Rachel answered her voice dropping as she added sincerely, "They are sorry about what happened Santana."

"Whatever." The taller girl muttered, she wasn't about to admit how much the older man's words had hurt.

Realising that her friend wasn't going to go with her without a fight Rachel figured it was time to play a little dirty. With a nonchalant yawn she reached into the back seat and began hunting around.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm looking for another blanket." Rachel replied casually, "Do you have one?"

Santana frowned, "No, I've only got this one but I'm fine seriously."

"Well that is debatable." The diva replied as she turned back in her seat, "And I doubt that we could both fit under it and it is quite cold tonight so-"

"What?" Santana shouted waving her hands around as she gestured empathically, "No, no, no…you are not staying here tonight."

Rachel shrugged, "If you stay, I stay."

"You can't be serious?"

"I already said I'm not leaving here without you." Rachel argued as she shifting in her seat to get more comfortable, "Either that's now or in the morning, your choice."

Santana glared at the stubborn girl, she figured Rachel was bluffing and hoping she would fold under the idea of the small girl suffering along with her and with a loud groan Santana realised she was right. There was no way she would let Rachel spend the night sleeping in her car, with a growl the cheerleader glared, "Fine, you win. I'll come with you."

Rachel smiled and clapped her hands together, "I'll drive."

Santana sighed as she opened her door and climbed out of her car, she was a little wobbly on her feet and as she made it to Rachel's car she barely managed to flick her keys to check her car was locked without stumbling over.

"You okay?" Rachel asked as she watched Santana flop down into the passenger seat next to her.

The Latina nodded stiffly, her eyes glazing over as the alcohol fully hit her system.

"There's some water in the glove compartment." The singer said with a sympathetic look as she flicked the ignition and put the heater on full blast.

Santana smiled gratefully as she grabbed the bottle and quickly chugged down its contents. She didn't stop until the bottle was finished and clutching the empty bottle she was glad to feel her stomach settle.

As the houses flew by in a blur Santana felt her eyelids getting heavier and heavier and by the time Rachel had pulled into her driveway the Latina was struggling to stay awake. She knew there was a chance the Berry men would be up and waiting for their daughters return and Santana wanted nothing more than to go in looking calm and collected. Instead she had to accept that she was returning as a drunken mess.

Stumbling out of the car Santana waited for Rachel to appear by her side and together they made their way to the front door.

"My Dads will be in their bedroom." Rachel promised, her voice hushed as she unlocked the front door and ushered her friend inside, "My room's up the stairs, first door on the left. I'll be up in a minute."

Santana didn't question the other girl and instead slowly edged her way upstairs as quietly as possible; she really did not want to deal with waking the Berry men up at whatever time of the night it was now.

For her part Rachel quickly made her way into the kitchen and grabbed a big bottle of water from the fridge and a packet of biscuits from the cupboard. She had a feeling Santana would be needing a little more than a shoulder to cry on in the morning so as she made her own way upstairs the singer made another quick stop in the bathroom to pick up a couple of aspirin.

When she made it to her room Rachel slipped through the door and eased it shut behind her, she knew her Dads were probably still awake and listening for her return so she let it click shut. Turning around she smiled as her eyes fell on Santana's figure as she lay full clothed on the left side of the double bed. Rachel placed the water and biscuits on the bedside table along with aspirin as she whispered, "You'd probably be a little more comfortable if you at least took your shoes off."

Santana groaned as she cracked one eye open, "I'm pretty comfortable actually."

With a shake of her head Rachel reached out and quickly dispensed of her own shoes and then Santana's. She had expected some kind of argument but when she received none the singer smiled, shuffling around the room the diva grabbed two pairs of pyjamas, "I have some spare clothes if you want to change?"

The unintelligible reply she received made Rachel giggle as she rolled her eyes and quickly changed out of her own clothes and into her pyjamas. She waited a few minutes for Santana to move but when she didn't the diva settled for tossing the spare pyjamas on the bed and ducking into her en-suite to brush her teeth, she figured the Latina could use the privacy.

When Rachel re-entered her room she found Santana still fully dressed and no more awake, "You aren't seriously going to sleep like that are you? At least take your jeans off."

Santana shrugged, her voice slurring as she mumbled, "Too tired."

Rachel weighed up her options for a moment, she figured Santana wasn't about to move by herself so that pretty much only left one solution, "You are not sleeping like this, you'll be too hot and too uncomfortable." pulling her hair back into a loose ponytail the singer made her way over to where Santana was laying and hesitantly reached out to rest a hand on the girls leg. When the Latina merely grunted Rachel took it as her cue to continue and so she moved her hands to the other girls belt buckle and quickly undid it. She hadn't exactly planned on undressing a drunken friend but as she awkwardly tugged down the Latina's jeans she tried to focus on speed and getting Santana under the covers and asleep as soon as possible. She knew her friend was exhausted so as she threw the jeans to one side Rachel opted not to take on the difficult task of re-dressing her. She was glad Santana had taken the time to at least remove her jacket before flopping down on the bed and so was now clad only in a tank and underwear.

The next part of Rachel's plan was not as easy however, "Sweetie, you need to move a little so you're under the duvet."

"S'fine…" Santana replied, another yawn obscuring her words.

"But it'll be even better if…" Rachel trailed off, a smile tugging at her lips as the cheerleader made some effort to roll off the covers.

It was all Rachel needed to lean over and pull the duvet out from underneath her friend and flipping the covers back she gently manoeuvred tan legs until they were comfortably in position. She was just about to flip the duvet over Santana when something caught her eye, leaning over she forgot about any sense of personal space as she found herself staring at the Latina's hip. Reaching out a hand she carefully traced her fingertips across the thin, faded scars that ran horizontally across the side of her body, a myriad of scars that started just above her hip and ran down the top of her thigh.

With a sudden movement Santana reached out to grab Rachel's hand by the wrist, and as the singer looked up she saw the other girl was much more awake now, her dark eyes flashing dangerously, "Don't. Do. That."

Rachel frowned but pulled her hand away as she allowed Santana to cover herself with the duvet.

Moving around the bed Rachel slid into her own side and clicked off the bedside light, in the darkness of the room she felt an awkward tension begin to rise. She knew that Santana was still awake but she couldn't think of anything to say to reassure her friend, rolling over onto her side the singer found herself staring at the other girls back.

Shuffling closer Rachel reached her hand out hesitantly, hovering above the Latina's shoulder before gathering her courage and gripping the other girls arm. She felt Santana tense at the unexpected gesture but she quickly relaxed and as Rachel felt her friend begin to shake she edged closer still, wrapping her arm around Santana she scooped her small frame to fit around the Latina's. Rachel had been afraid the other girl was going to push to her away but as she felt Santana clutching at the arm wrapped around her, and linking their fingers together, she knew she had done the right thing.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N – I'm so glad people are liking this story, I'm having a lot of fun writing protective!Rachel. I have a lot of this story planned out and I'm hoping that if I can get my muse in gear I can get some more updates posted. I'm toying with having a little Christmas chapter in this fic, I haven't attempted one before but I want to try and do something with it here if I can get it written and ready in time!**

**Anyways on with chapter seven…**

When Rachel awoke the next morning the first thing she was aware of was the empty space next to her and sitting up quickly she glanced around the room. Her eyes fell on the now empty bottle of water and half eaten packet of biscuits which at least gave her concrete evidence that the Latina had indeed been in her room. As she wiped a hand across her face she tried to ignore how tired she was, it was little wonder that Santana had been able to leave with such ease considering the diva could barely wake up.

The sound of a door opening drew Rachel's attention and she barely contained the shock on her face as Santana emerged from her en suite. Snapping her eyes up to meet the other girls nervous gaze Rachel let out a sigh of relief, "I thought you left."

"I thought about it." Santana replied honestly as she scurried back over to the bed all too aware of how little clothing she was wearing, "I woke up and I…I was going to leave but…"

"But?" Rachel whispered as she watched Santana slip back under the covers and sit against the headboard.

Santana frowned, biting her lip anxiously she stared down at her hands, "But I don't have anywhere else to go, or well….anywhere I want to go." She whispered sadly, her eyes lifting from her hands as she looked at her friend, "You're pretty much all I have right now, you're the only person who wants to be around me though I honestly don't get why. And, I-I want to…try, I…fuck why am I so bad at this?"

Rachel reached out to place one of her hands over Santana's as they twisted nervously, "You're doing okay."

"I-I…want us to be friends." Santana stuttered eventually, cringing at how lame it sounded, "I mean, if…you want to be?"

"Of course I do." Rachel beamed trying to keep her reaction as calm as possible, she didn't want to scare the other girl away.

Santana seemed to visibly relax and with a small nod she smiled, "I'm going to try but…I'm not exactly an easy person to get along with."

"Neither am I." Rachel replied with her own smile, both girls letting out a small chuckle. It wasn't as though either of them had a particularly stunning record with friends and Rachel felt honoured that Santana was willing to let her in.

A few minutes ticked passed and Rachel found herself fidgeting as she debated her next question, last night had been a revelation on many levels but there was one thing she had been unable to shift from her mind since falling asleep the previous night. The only problem was that even though she was desperate to talk to Santana about it, she didn't want to push her friend to far and end up chasing her away.

"Say it." Santana mumbled, her shoulders tense as she stared across the room, "It's what friends do right, talk to each other about…everything?"

Rachel bit her lip as she turned her body so she was facing Santana, crossing her legs she took a deep breath, it seemed like the other girl knew what was coming anyway, "The scars I saw last night, are they what I think they are?"

Santana stared blankly as she dipped her head, she could feel herself panicking and a familiar voice telling her to run away was echoing around her brain. She had to remind herself that Rachel already knew more about her than most people and that she had literally just agreed to try and build a friendship with the other girl but still she found herself lost for words. She knew that Rachel wouldn't push though and as a few moments ticked passed she felt the panic begin to ease slightly and in a quiet voice she choked out, "The Cheerio uniform doesn't leave a lot to the imagination, that was the only place I knew I could do it and no-one would ask questions."

"Why?"

The simplicity and the complexity of the question hit Santana hard and she had to fight to hold back her tears as she shook her head, "I don't know it just helps, I can't explain it."

Rachel felt her heart sink as she echoed, "It helps? As in…you're still doing it?"

Santana let her body sag back against the headboard as she turned her head to look away from the small girl next to her, she couldn't bear to see the repulsion she knew would be written on her friends' face as she mumbled, "Yeah, sometimes." She jumped as she was caught off guard by the diva wrapping her arms around her tightly.

When Rachel pulled back she made no attempt to hide the tears falling down her cheeks, the idea that anyone would hurt themselves the way Santana had made her heart ache, she didn't want to ask but she had to, "When was the last time?"

Santana was silent for a moment before she slipped out from under the covers, her movements were hesitant and as she sat back down on top of the covers this time she could feel her hands shaking. Leaning back against the headboard she let her eyes drift down to her hip, she normally avoiding looking at the marks if she could and as she dragged her fingertips across the lines she could feel Rachel's eyes burning into her skin as she watched. As her fingers stopped just above the waistband of her underwear she paused before carefully edging the material down a little bit to reveal a particularly nasty looking mark. It wasn't completely healed and Santana winced as she pressed down, "About a week ago."

"Why?" the singer asked, her eyes glued to the other girl's skin.

"I already didn't want to come back, I never do." Santana replied as she covered herself up, "But when I…I called my Mom to tell her when my flight was supposed to land so she could pick me up from the airport – she told me to get a taxi. She always picked me up, always. It was like the only thing she still did for me and then, she was just done. I know it sounds stupid but it was all I had and knowing she wasn't going to be there when I came home…"

"It doesn't sound stupid." Rachel murmured, offering a comforting smile, "If it matters to you, it's never going to be stupid."

"When I got off the phone my abuela knew something was wrong but I ran upstairs before she could say anything, there wasn't really anything she could say you know? I locked myself in the bathroom and…" Santana trailed off, she had never said it out loud before and her voice shook as she flinched.

Rachel felt her throat tighten as she choked out, "I'm sorry."

Snapping her head up to stare incredulously at her friend Santana replied, "Why are you apologising?"

"Because I let you down, the whole club let you down, we're supposed to be there for each other and we didn't even notice how much you were struggling." The diva rushed, her words spilling from her lips with regret as she wondered how she, and the rest of the club, could have seen Santana for so long but never really noticed her.

Santana raked a hand through her hair as she tried to organise her thoughts. On one hand it was true, she had desperately wanted someone to realise how miserable, how lonely, she was but at the same time she had kept up her well-worn defences to keep everyone out. She had been so terrified of letting someone in and getting hurt again, "I didn't want to let anyone to see."

"But you needed us to." Rachel half-shouted.

Santana turned her head to gaze at her friend as she admitted, "I thought maybe this year if I-if I tried harder, if I didn't let how angry I am at everything get to me so much then things could be different, people wouldn't hate me so much if I could pretend I was okay and not get mad and bitch them out."

Rachel frowned as she reached out to trail her fingers through the other girls hair, tucking the dark locks back she felt her heart break at the vulnerable look on the normally stoic girls face, "You shouldn't have to pretend at all Santana. You said it yourself; you've spent most of your life trying to please your parents by being someone you aren't. You shouldn't have to hide your feelings from everyone to get them to like you."

"Maybe in a perfect world." Santana said, her voice quiet as she looked down, "But come on, who wants to deal with me?"

"Well…I do." Rachel answered sincerely, "Or what I mean is, I can take the good and the bad because that's what friends do. I think maybe, if you gave the rest of the club a chance they could be pretty good friends to you too."

Santana stiffened at the words, she tried to remain blasé but she knew the singer had noticed her discomfort. The fact was everything she had overheard the other night had hurt more than she was willing to admit because whilst she knew she had a bad reputation and that she wasn't well-liked, she never thought she would overhear the glee club ripping her apart, "Yeah well, you didn't hear them the other night."

"I heard some of it…" Rachel tried as she nervously gnawed her bottom lip with her teeth.

"You missed most of it." Santana bit back, her eyes watering as remembered the sound of their laughter ricocheting around the room, "I'm not going to open up to people who obviously hate me so can you just drop it?"

Rachel opened her mouth to argue but thought better of it. She knew Santana was hurt and that there was nothing she could say right now to defend the glee clubs actions and the truth was she wasn't even sure if she wanted to, "Okay. How about we get some breakfast instead?"

Santana nodded, she would happily do anything right now to avoid talking about what she had listened to the other night. So she found herself pulling on a spare pair of Rachel's sweats and following the smaller girl downstairs in search of food. It was only when her feet hit the bottom step that Santana remembered about Rachel's Dads. It wasn't as if she could simply run back upstairs and hide though, so she forced herself to trail behind Rachel as they made their way into the kitchen.

As she helped Rachel throw together a quick fruit salad Santana couldn't help but keep an ear out for any movement, she didn't want to get caught off guard by the two men. Her distraction didn't go unnoticed by the diva and when Santana began slicing an unpeeled banana the singer reached out a comforting hand to take the knife, "Maybe you could grab some spoons instead?"

Santana offered a sheepish grin as she wiped her hands on a towel, "Right, sure…"

"And relax okay? My Dads will be fine; I'm not going to let anything bad happen to you."

Santana paused, two spoons clutched in her hand as she gave the diva a hopeful look. She was so used to being the one who had to take care of everything that it had been a long time since anyone had been in anyway protective towards her and it made her smile. Taking one of the bowls from Rachel the two girls sat side-by-side at the table to eat. They chatted amicably about nothing in particular as they ate their breakfast, Rachel had noticed the less than stellar weather and was just suggesting a trip to the mall when Leroy walked in followed closely by Hiram. Santana instantly felt her defences shoot up, her heart pounding in her chest as she watched the two men take a seat opposite her and Rachel. She felt her appetite slip away and with a quiet clank she let her spoon drop back into the bowl. She found herself unable to look up from the table and instead mumbled, "I…I can go, if you want."

"No." Hiram said quickly, beating the argument he knew Rachel was formulating, "We don't want you to go. We wanted to talk to you actually, both of you, about the other night and what I said."

"It's fine." Santana replied gruffly, "You were just saying what most people think."

"What I said was unfair." Hiram said his eyes focused solely on Santana.

The taller girl let out a bitter laugh as she finally looked up, "No it wasn't, if I was in your position I'd hate me too. I can only imagine the things you've heard about me and they're probably all true so…"

Hiram shifted uncomfortably as he snuck a glance at his husband, he could see Leroy was just as baffled by Santana's reaction was he was. He had expect Santana to be angry, or defensive, he expected her to be hurt and bitter but the young girl seemed only too willing to accept the inevitability of someone, even a parent, thinking of her as a bad person.

"We don't hate you Santana-" Hiram tried.

"You should." Santana stated, "Did you know I was the first person to toss a slushy at Rachel?"

Rachel frowned as she listened to her friend purposefully antagonising her Dads, she knew exactly what the other girl was doing and it pained her to watch. She figured that part of Santana wanted the Berry men to hate her; she wanted other parents to see her as a bad person to justify her own parent's behaviour.

"I remember that day." Rachel said quietly, her interruption stopping her fathers from granting Santana's silent wish, "You threw a strawberry slushy over me in the hall. I hate strawberry."

"I know." Santana replied.

Rachel turned her head to look at her friend; she knew there had to be more to the story than the usual drink throwing rivalries, "What happened before you did it?"

Santana snapped her eyes away from the table, her heart thudding in her chest she barely managed to stutter, "What-what do you mean?"

The singer knew she was on to something and with an encouraging smile she ignored her Dads confused stares and kept her focus on Santana, "What happened that day that made you slushy me?"

"I don't know you were wearing some ugly freaking sweater." Santana snapped, "What does it matter anyway?"

"San…." Rachel sighed, she had expected the standard defensive response from the other girl but she knew if she was patient enough she would get the answer she was looking for.

Santana shifted uncomfortably, her resolve fading fast under Rachel's gaze she could only sigh as she raked a hand through her hair and mumbled, "It was- I was having a bad day."

Rachel bit her lip as she silently thanked her Dads for keeping quiet; she figured they were equal parts confused and angry so she quickly pressed on in the hope that Santana's answer would give her fathers a little insight into her life, "What happened?"

Santana felt her shoulder slump, her anger from earlier had faded faster than normal and now she was left with a familiar ache in her chest, "It was my birthday. I was looking forward to it for weeks, I thought when you turned thirteen it was this huge thing y'know? Brittany's Mom threw her a huge party and Quinn's Dad got her the puppy she'd been asking for since she could talk. I figured-I figured my parents would do something but they didn't do anything, and I don't mean like, I got a card and a shitty present. They didn't even remember."

Santana squeezed her eyes closed as she bowed her head, "I woke up that morning and I ran downstairs thinking that this year they'd have to do something because I was thirteen, Britt's Mom said it was a big deal seeing her little girl become a teenager. I got downstairs and…nothing. My Dad didn't even look at me before he left for work and my Mom just told me to hurry up because I was going to be late for school."

"When I got to school everyone kept asking me what kind of party I was having, they'd been asking all week but I told them my parents were keeping it a surprise. I had to fucking lie to everyone and make up some bullshit story about them taking me away for the weekend so I wouldn't have time to throw a big party. It was humiliating." Santana paused, her throat tightening as she remembered what had happened next, "I was getting a drink when I heard you."

Rachel frowned; she tried to remember what she had been doing before the ice cold drink had been thrown but most of her memories were based around the horrible aftermath.

"You were by your locker and you were talking to some girl and…fuck, you were going on and on about how your Dads had taken you to New York to see some Broadway thing." Santana growled, her nails digging into her palms as she tried to control her anger, "You wouldn't shut up about how they had taken you to this amazing restaurant and you stayed in this amazing hotel so you could go to this amazing show and it made me so angry. It was just a normal weekend for you and your Dads took you to do something they knew you loved, it was my fucking birthday and my parents could barely even look at me. I hated it, I hated them and I just…I didn't even know I'd done it until you started crying…"

Rachel blinked hard in an attempt to stop her own eyes watering; she couldn't imagine how much it must have hurt for Santana to have her own parents forget her birthday.

"It was such a shitty thing to do…"

Rachel sighed, she wasn't about to lie and say that getting slushied on a regular basis was anything other than awful but a part of her knew that the girl next to her hadn't exactly done it out of sheer spite, "You were just a kid San and you were hurt-"

"That doesn't excuse what I did, it's not your fault your family is perfect and mine is complete shit." Santana snapped, her own guilt bubbling away inside her and making her feel sick, "You wanna know the worst part?"

The singer bit her lip; she could feel her Dads both watching their exchange closely, "What?"

"I enjoyed it." Santana stated her eyes dull as she explained, "Because afterwards the school called my parents and my Mom had to come to school to talk to the principal. She actually had to have a conversation about me, she noticed me. I know how pathetic it sounds but it was something."

"So you kept doing it?" Hiram interjected, his voice conflicted as he tried to piece together what he was seeing and hearing now with what he had previously known about the young girl.

Santana shrugged, "For a bit yeah…"

"You haven't done that to me in forever." Rachel said, her brain whirling into action as she added, "In fact, you only ever slushied me for a couple of weeks after that day."

Santana replied sadly, "I went to the principal's office one day and he told me that my Mom couldn't be there. I knew she'd lost interest…after that, no matter what I did or what the school called her about she never came back. I got a letter sent home that no one read or a message on the answer machine that no one played."

"The slushy's stopped." Leroy confirmed, "But you were still…"

"A bully." Santana offered, her hands twisting together on the table as she dropped her gaze unable to look at her friend, "Every time I saw Rachel all I could think was that at the end of the day she was going to go back to you guys, and I had to go back to my house." Risking a glance at Rachel the taller girl frowned, "I hated it, I hated that you got to have a family and I didn't. I took it out on you."

"It's okay San." Rachel tried as she reached out one of her hands to clasp her friends.

"No, it isn't." the other girl insisted, "Is it any wonder that people don't want to be around me when I do the shit I do? There's a reason that Brittany is the only person who's ever wanted to be near me; she's too sweet and innocent to know any better."

"I want to be around you." Rachel whispered, her grip tightening on the other girl as she tried to make her understand, "I'm not saying that your family being the way they are suddenly means we can forget everything but you were hurt and you were angry, you shouldn't have had to deal with everything by yourself."

Santana sighed, she could feel the tears trickling down her face but she made no attempt to wipe them away as she whispered, "I'm really sorry Rachel."

"I know." The diva replied, dipping her head to lock eyes with the other girl, "I forgive you."

Santana let out a disbelieving laugh, she wanted to tell Rachel that she didn't deserve her forgiveness but she managed to hold on to her doubts. She figured that even if Rachel could forgive her she wasn't about to forgive herself as easily. It struck Santana hard when she realised that the person she had tormented the most had turned out to be one of the only people she could rely on.

Clearing his throat Leroy broke the moment as gently as he could, he was still unsure about what was going on but he trusted his daughter enough to follow her lead, "I don't know everything that has happened between you two, and I probably never will, I also don't know much about you in general Santana. I know that you have hurt my daughter's feelings in the past and I've heard stories, and rumours, about you which lead me to believe that you have a…difficult past. But I also know that my daughter is an excellent judge of character, if she is willing to forgive you and move on then I am as well."

"We are sorry for what happened the other night Santana." Hiram continued, his eyes focused on the young girl, "I hope you can accept our apology as well."

Santana sniffed back her tears enough to shoot the two men a grateful smile, she knew it wasn't easy for either of the men to deal with the girl who had tormented their daughter, "Yeah sure and…I appreciate you letting me stay here last night and don't worry, it won't happen again."

Hiram frowned as he shot his daughter a confused look, he didn't understand how from his perspective it seemed like things were getting sorted out but then it seemed like Santana was basically promising to keep her distance. He couldn't work out what was going on in the young girls head.

Santana took the momentary silence as a bad sign, she was glad they had all managed to deal with her and Rachel's history but it seemed pretty clear that now it was dealt with she needed to go, "So erm…thanks, for breakfast and everything. I should go or…whatever…"

"What? Where?" Rachel asked, her hand still gripping onto her friends as she made to stand.

Santana tried to appear casual; she didn't want the Berry men to know she had nowhere to go. "I figured that…"

Leroy instantly picked up on Rachel's panic and with his own worried look he gestured for the cheerleader to stay seated, "You don't have to go Santana."

"Where are you living at the moment?" Hiram asked carefully, he didn't want to over step any boundaries but he couldn't shake the nagging worry at the back of his mind. It had been plaguing him since the night he had uttered _those_ words.

"In Lima Heights adjacent with my parents." Santana mumbled, it was a half-truth and she saw Rachel frown at her response.

Hiram bit his lip, leaning forward in his chair he tried to get the young girl to look at him, "Brittany mentioned that you…there are nights when you might sleep in your car."

Santana contemplated denying it but then she remembered the diva sat next to her and she knew that Rachel wouldn't hesitate to correct her, with a shrug she mumbled, "Yeah, sometimes."

Hiram nodded to himself before turning to Leroy, he was more than glad that he didn't have to say anything to his husband – he could see his own concern reflected back, taking a deep breath he asked, "Do your parents know?"

"They don't care." Santana scoffed, the sadness in her eyes betraying her uncaring façade.

Leroy grimaced, "I'm sure that's not true…"

"I'm in high school I had a huge argument with my Mom last night and I didn't go home. It's now almost…" Santana checked her watch with a sigh, "Eleven-thirty, I've been out all night and neither of my parents has called or text to see where I am. I think it's fair to say I'm not high on their list of priorities."

Leroy shook his head sadly, he couldn't imagine treating Rachel like that and the more he heard about the Lopez's the less he liked. One question was niggling him more than any other though, "How often do you sleep at home?"

"I used to stay with Britts but we…we don't exactly spend much time together anymore. But it's cool, my car is pretty comfortable."

Rachel felt her stomach churn at the cryptic answer, "How often are you at home San?"

"Two, three times a week." Santana muttered, sinking down in her chair as the family gaped at her.

Hiram felt his eyes widen and he couldn't hide his horror, "You can't be serious…"

"It's my decision, I mean it's not like they've kicked me out or anything. I choose to sleep in my car, my Dad gives me some money every month for clothes or whatever and sometimes I can afford to rent a room somewhere." Santana said, not exactly sure why she was defending her lifestyle, "I buy whatever I need and I save the rest for college or so I can buy somewhere to live when my parents do eventually kick me out. It's my decision to sleep in my car, okay?"

Leroy was almost lost words as he listened to the young girl, "That's not a decision Santana; you shouldn't be in this situation in the first place."

"I choose not to be at home because I don't want to be there." Santana tried.

"But you shouldn't be sleeping in your car, it's not right." Hiram interjected, "You should want to be in your own home."

Santana felt her heart tighten at the words, there was nothing she wanted more than to have a real home, gritting her teeth she snapped back, "I know that, but I can't so…drop it alright?"

Hiram folded his arms as he leant back in his chair, a thoughtful expression on his face he shot his husband and daughter a questioning look. Leroy nodded and Rachel all but bounced up and down in her seat at the silent question, "We have a spare room, it's currently full of god knows what and could definitely use a clear-out…"

"O-kay…" Santana drawled.

Leroy smiled, his hands clasped together on the table in front of him he rolled his eyes at his husband, "What Hiram is trying to say is that perhaps on nights when you feeling unable to stay at home rather than sleeping in your car you might consider our offer to stay in our guest room."

Santana couldn't help the look of disbelief that washed across her normally reserved features, "Are you serious? You can't be serious."

"We are." Hiram confirmed, "You and Rachel will have to clear it out of course-"

"Of course!" Rachel beamed as she clapped her hands together excitedly, she figured her friend would be a little hesitant though so with her best pleading face she turned to Santana, "What do you say?"

"I don't know…" the cheerleader murmured, on one hand she loved the idea of having a place to stay but the pessimist in her was winning over the rest of her feelings, "I appreciate the offer but I don't think it's a good idea."

"You wouldn't be intruding if that's what you're worried about, we're inviting you." Leroy stated firmly.

Rachel could see the negative thoughts clouding Santana's judgement, "Please San, for me? I can't bear to think of you out there by yourself. You should be somewhere safe and warm…I promise not to make you watch any musicals…"

Santana couldn't help but smile at the optimistic look but she just couldn't see herself being comfortable enough to actually stay with the Berry's, it was all too surreal. She would rather spend the money on a room somewhere than under a roof with two men she knew didn't like her. She figured Rachel's Dad probably felt obliged to offer, after all it would reflect pretty badly on them if it got around that they knew she wasn't sleeping at home and didn't offer her their spare room. Still, she couldn't bring to spend the next few hours arguing about it, so instead she bit her lip and forcing a smile she replied, "Okay."

"Okay?" Rachel grinned.

"Yeah, okay." Santana repeated with a tight smile, "Thanks, I promise I'll try and stay out of the way."

Leroy and Hiram chuckled at the shocked look on Santana's face as Rachel swatted her arm, "What? No. You can't stay up there you'll miss out on movie night and game night, oh I can make you some of famous vegan hot chocolate…"

Santana felt her eyes bulge as she listen to Rachel begin to list all the fun activities in the Berry household, she grimaced as she felt a familiar wave of jealously seeping through her at hearing about all the things the family did together. That was one more reason she knew she couldn't stay, having to watch Rachel and her Dads playing happy families was more than she could take but she figured even though she had agreed to consider staying occasionally it didn't mean she actually had to.

"…we have so much to do. The guest room is a mess but I think if we get a start on it today…"

Santana nodded as she watched Rachel in bemusement, she had actually forgotten how much the small girl could talk when you just let her go. She was so caught up in her thoughts that she missed Rachel's entire speech and only snapped back to reality when a slim hand grabbed one of hers and hoisted her up from her seat, "Woah, what's happening? And when did you get so crazily strong?"

"I have a daily exercise routine." The singer stated, "And we are going to the mall as planned, however I feel we will need to stock up on some bin bags and cleaning supplies if we want to tackle the guest room today."

"Alright…" Santana replied as she let Rachel tug her towards the door, she hated the guilty feeling she had knowing that whatever they were going to end up doing was probably going to be a waste of time anyway.

Hiram chuckled as he let the girls swoop past him, giving his husband a gentle nudge he whispered, "She has no idea what she's let herself in for…"

"I heard that!" Rachel shouted from the front door as she pulled on her jacket.

Leroy grinned at his husband, "You need to work on your indoor voice."


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N – Apologies for the longer than expected break over Christmas and New Years, work always kicks my butt during December and January. But, I have finally gotten around to updating. This part ended up being a pretty big chunk so I've split it into two chapters, hence the slightly abrupt ending here, and part two will be up as soon as possible. **

**Thanks to everyone for reviews and alerts, and of course patience while I had to focus on other non-writing things!**

Santana let out a loud curse as she checked the time again, her alarm clock had somehow managed to turn itself off during the night and now she was frantically rushing around her bedroom trying to make herself at least halfway presentable in the ten minutes she had to get ready. She could already feel a headache coming on as she finished the final touches to her make-up and shrugged on her favourite leather jacket over her uniform.

"God fucking damn it!" Santana growled as she tripped over the cord of her hair straighteners and narrowly missed flying into her desk.

Santana took a deep breath as she resisted the urge to simply crawl back into her bed and ignore the first day back at school, she knew she had to go – if only to claim the best seats at the back of every one of her classes but she really, really did not want to have to set foot in McKinley high again. Realising she was going to be late Santana picked up her bag from the foot of her bed and hurried down the stairs. She was lucky that her house was only a short drive from the school and with a little extra pressure on the gas pedal the cheerleader managed to pull into the parking lot right on time.

As she dragged herself out of her car the cheerleader heard her name ring out across the lot, with a quiet groan she turned to see Rachel bouncing over to her.

"Good Morning." The smaller girl beamed, her owl fronted jumper drawing most of Santana's attention.

"Morning." Santana muttered as she swung her backpack over her shoulder and began heading to the front doors.

Rachel smiled as she trotted alongside the other girl, her eyes roaming over the other girls outfit she pointed out, "I see you joined the Cheerios again…"

Santana merely nodded, the truth was she pretty much hated being a cheerleader. Early morning work-outs and late night practices, getting yelled at by Coach Sylvester, watching football and dealing with a bunch of peppy bright eyed overly happy girls was not her thing. She was pretty much the anti-cheerleader really; her angry surly attitude didn't exactly win her many friends on the squad.

"I thought you were done with the Cheerios." Rachel added.

Santana rolled her eyes as she stalked down the hallway, her eyes focused on her locker she mumbled, "It gives me something to do." And it was true, being on the Cheerios gave her a place in the school and she knew what was expected of her but mainly it gave her a place to be after school so she didn't have to find somewhere other than her house to be.

"Okay…" the smaller girl replied, her concern evident but she shook it off, "But anyway there is a glee meeting after class today. First day back and all, I think Mr Schue wants to start looking at set lists after our…distractions last year I think-"

"Woah." Santana stated as she raised a hand to cut her friend off, "Who said I was going back to glee?"

Rachel frowned, her heart sinking as she tried, "You love glee, you said it was the best part of your day remember?"

Shaking her head Santana quickly opened her locker and began swapping books, "I remember but things change Berry."

The diva shook her head, she hadn't thought for a second that Santana would quit the club after everything that had happened, she had already heard that Sam had moved back to Tennessee and that Lauren had supposedly quit to focus on her wrestling but she figured she could rely on Santana, "But you love to sing, I see you on stage when you perform – that hasn't changed has it?"

"No but…" Santana sighed as she slammed her locker shut, "It kind takes away the fun when you're wondering if the others are just waiting to push you off the stage, y'know?"

Rachel bit her lip, she knew the other night had effected Santana more than she was willing to admit but she also knew that glee club was a big reason that the other girl even bothered to show up to school. As she watched her friend walk away she gave it one last shot, "Think about it at least, your voice is too good to waste – it deserves to be heard."

Santana smiled to herself, she knew only Rachel could be that melodramatic in the middle of a hallway so with her back still to the other girl she gave a half-hearted wave over her shoulder. It didn't mean she was definitely going but she had a whole day to think it over.

The whole day turned out to be pretty much an epic waste of time and the only thing Santana could take from it was that she had a least managed to claim the best seat in every class. Something about a Cheerio uniform and a death stare pretty much got her what she wanted regardless of who was standing in her way.

As she ambled down the hallways Santana sighed, she couldn't help but feel she was going backwards with her life. Her senior year was not supposed to be like this, she wanted more than the stupid head cheerleader title and the popularity battles but somehow she had ended up getting herself dragged back into them. Coach Sylvester had already had one of her anti-glee rants at the first Cheerios practice of the year and Santana was sick of it already.

"Santana…Santana, wait…"

The cheerleader groaned as she recognised the voice behind her, without hesitating she continued to walk knowing she had let her body gravitate towards the choir room. The bell had rung for the end of class a few minutes previously and Santana had still not entirely decided whether she was going to go to glee or not but apparently her legs had made the choice for her.

"I'm so glad you decided to come." Rachel beamed as she fell into step with her friend.

Santana grunted, "Yeah well…I love to sing and I'm freaking awesome at it so…"

Rachel grinned, "That's true, actually I was thinking perhaps this year you might like to try some more challenging songs, they say Broadway is where your voice is truly tested…"

"Why do I get the feeling you have the entire sheet music for _Wicked_ in your bag?"

"I have _Rent_ too." Rachel defended as she pouted.

Santana rolled her eyes, a playful smirk on her face she sighed, "Of course you do."

As the two girls approached the choir room Santana slowed her pace, she hadn't seen any of the other members of New Directions since that night at Rachel's. Brittany had been the only one who had even tried to contact her and even then Santana hadn't acknowledged any of the blonde's messages.

"Come on." Rachel urged a supportive smile on her face as she headed towards the door, "It'll be fine."

Santana shook her head, she knew it wouldn't be but she wasn't about to run away again especially since for the first time, she was not the one in the wrong. It was kind of an unusual feeling to step back into the room knowing she was the wronged party but it was even worse knowing that it was unlikely any of the New Directions cared. As she stepped into the room she saw that she was the last to enter, Mr Schue was already present and scrawling things across the white board while the rest of the teenagers were seated together on the risers. She could feel everyone's eyes on her as she edged her way over to a seat at the back, she had gotten pretty used to sitting by herself last year that she didn't think much of it anymore.

She hated the way everyone seemed to glance away from her as she walked past, their conversations dying mid-sentence as they tried, and failed, to act normally. With a shake of her head the cheerleader slumped down in her seat, her eyes glued on the white board as she ignored everyone's discomfort. She could feel Rachel's eyes burning into her from her position next to Mercedes and with a quick glance she caught the other girl mouthing an apology as she eyed up the vacant spot next to the cheerleader.

"Right guys, welcome back to Senior Year!" Mr Schue said, clapping his hands together as he gazed at his students. His face fell a little as he seemed to pick up on the tension, with an internal grimace he wondered if the group would ever be able to go more than a week without some kind of major drama, "Okay…what did I miss this time?"

"It's nothing Mr Schue." Artie piped up, a chorus of agreement backing his statement, "What's on the board?"

Santana felt her eyes widen as she whipped her head around to glare at the other members, she could see Rachel about to say something but the cheerleader beat her to it, "Nothing? So, I'm nothing now?"

Mr Schue frowned as he held up his hands in an attempt to calm what he could already tell was about to be an explosive situation, "I don't think-"

"I knew this was a stupid idea." Santana interrupted as she quickly stood, her chair scrapping against the tiles as she glared at the rest of the group.

"Okay, stop!" Mr Schue shouted as he tried to control the situation, "We've barely even begun the school year; I can't believe you're fighting with each other already. What did you do this time, Santana?" the Spanish teacher sighed with a roll of his eyes.

Santana felt her chest tighten as everyone turned to look at her, the tension in the room was stifling and it was all the cheerleader could do to keep herself from exploding with anger. She didn't understand how Mr Schuster possibly have worked out anything was her fault from what had been said but she wasn't exactly surprised, she knew he didn't like her any more than the rest of the club and he was probably itching for some way to knock her down a peg or two. Santana had always thought that teachers were supposed to remain neutral but having spent two years with one Will Schuster she knew that was a lie.

"She didn't do anything!" Rachel suddenly piped up; her glare directed simultaneously at their teacher and Finn, "Perhaps you would be better off asking the rest of the club what they are guilty off?"

"Don't bother." Santana interjected as she scooped her bag up from the floor and swung it over her shoulder, "I'm leaving."

Mr Schuster frowned but nodded, "That might be for the best, we can talk this over tomorrow."

Stepping down from the risers Santana sneered at the man even as she felt her heart-breaking, she hadn't been lying when she had told Rachel that glee was the best part of her day. She loved performing and more than anything she loved to sing and lose herself in the music but she had to face the fact that it was over, "I'm not coming back, I'm done."

"You can't leave." Artie said his voice panicky "We can't compete without the numbers."

"Fuck that." Santana growled, ignored Mr Schue's glare she continued, "I'm sick of being in a room with people who hate me. The only reason you would ever want me to stay is because you need thirteen people to get through sectionals and even with Plaine Blanderson here you're still down members now the trouty mouth and the endangered white rhino are gone. Well newsflash losers, I'm sick of it. You don't want me here so I'm leaving. I'm sure you'll find someone else to sway in the background and talk crap about behind their back."

"Because you never say anything bad about anyone." Finn stated, his eyes narrowed as he stared at the cheerleader.

Santana scoffed, "I'm brutally honest, I say shit to people that's mean and they don't want to hear. I get that, but you know what I don't do? I don't gather everyone together and make it a group activity to rip someone apart."

"Please, everyone knows you're just a bitch." Finn replied, his jaw clenched angrily as he looked to his fellow glee clubbers for support.

"Because you all know me so freaking well, huh?" Santana growled as she squared off against the group, "We're all just one big happy family, all accepting and shit."

Rachel bit her lip anxiously as she glanced between her friend and the New Directions, she could see Mr Schue standing to one side apparently incapable of stepping in and stopping the argument and the diva wondered, not for the first time, how the hell he was allowed to be in charge of anything.

"This club is-"

"Save it Wheezy." Santana spat as she glared at Mercedes, "The fact is none of you know jack shit about me, you all think I'm nothing more than a bitchy cheerleader so why the hell should I act any differently?"

Tina frowned, her eyebrows knitted together in worry she tried, "We do know you Santana-"

"Right." Santana interrupted, "So, when's my birthday?"

Tina opened her mouth to reply but quickly snapped it shut again, glancing around the room helplessly she saw the rest of the club gazing back with their own blank expressions.

Readjusting her bag on her shoulder Santana tried to appear unfazed, "It's November, the 21st…in case you were wondering."

"No it's not, it can't be." Mercedes replied, "My boy Kurt's is on the 24th, he threw that big _Wizard of Oz_ themed party last year. Finn went as the scarecrow."

Rachel baulked, "I'm sorry, did you just accuse Santana of lying about her own birthday?"

"It's fine Berry, forget it." Santana answered, not giving Mercedes a chance to continue, "I remember that fucking party, I got to hear about you guys planning it for a fucking month and then not only was I the only person not invited, on my birthday the only person who remembered was Britts."

"We went to Breadsticks." The blonde dancer mumbled, her eyes sad as she looked at her friend.

"And you had to leave early because Finnocence decided to do some stupid surprise thing before the party." Santana continued, "It's all you guys could talk about for weeks until Christmas rolled around and I got to watch you all panic over buying each other presents and organising shopping trips."

Rachel felt her mouth go dry, a horrible wave of guilt building in her stomach. She remembered all of it and it was only now that she really thought about how Santana had been over those months. Her bitch quota had definitely gone up, Rachel was pretty sure the other girl hadn't been able to go more than a sentence without insulting someone and that more than once freshman had found themselves crammed into a locker. But Rachel was also realising that Santana had always been the last person to arrive for rehearsal and the first person to leave, she skulked around the outskirts of the group and barely contributed anything more than a couple of runs or a half-hearted dance.

"Santana." Mr Shue said suddenly, making his presence known again, "I'm sorry you feel that way but glee club is a place where everyone is welcome and everyone is accepted-"

The cheerleader let out a bitter chuckled, "You keep telling yourselves that but the truth is I have never been accepted here. Quinn, Britts and Puck all get a second chance but not me. Whatever, I just…I need a break or something…"

"We need all the members we can get Santana." The teacher tried again, his argument only serving to make Rachel cringe, she knew it was the last thing her friends wanted to hear, "This is our last year together to win Nationals."

Santana shrugged as she looked between Mr Schuster and the rest of New Directions, "Maybe I'm sick of just being here to make up the numbers."

With that Santana sighed and not sparing a second glance at the people she had spent the past two years with she left the room. As she listened to the sound of her footsteps echoing down the hallways she wondered if any of the club would even care she was gone, she knew that had any of the others stormed out there would be a barrage of people fighting to be the one to chase after them. Almost every member of New Directions had threatened to quit at least once but Santana hated the fact that she would probably end up being the only person to go through with the threat.

"Santana….Santana, wait!"

The cheerleader paused as she heard Brittany's voice floating behind her, she hadn't spoken to the blonde in days and the thought of confronting her best friend was not a pleasant one.

"Please…San…"

With a reluctant sigh Santana slowly turned around to face the approaching dancer. She could see the worry and guilt radiating from the dancer even before Brittany had come to stop in front of her but Santana could only cross her arms, her own sense of hurt and betrayal outweighing her concern for her friend.

Brittany bit her lip as she fiddled nervously with her hands, "Where are you going?"

"I don't know, anywhere but here."

"I've been calling you and texting." The blonde tried, her gazed focused on Santana who refused to meet her eye, "I would have left you a facebook message but Lord Tubbington won't teach me how to turn on my computer."

Normally Santana would have smiled at the mention of her friends infamous cat but today it only served to irritate her more, "Yeah well…I've been ignoring you, can you really blame me?"

Brittany sighed as she shook her head, "No. I-I'm really sorry San."

"Why didn't you say anything?" Santana asked, her voice dropping as she finally looked to her best friend, "They were all talking trash about me and you didn't say anything to stop them."

"I'm sorry." Brittany tried again.

"I know that but maybe…maybe that's not good enough Britts." The brunette stated, "I know people talk shit about me but the worst part of the other night was the fact you were silent. I needed you and you weren't there."

"San-"

"I always defend you Brittany, always, and not because I have to but because I want to. Ever since we met I've protected you because…you're you and I love you." Santana explained, her heart clenching in her chest as she whispered, "I always thought you would do the same for me, I thought I mattered to you."

Brittany froze, tears forming as she gazed at the smaller girl, "You're my best friend San, of course you matter – I love you, you know that."

Santana choked back her tears as she looked up at the blonde, "Yeah I know but…I'm starting to think that maybe it's not in the same way that I love you."

The blonde frowned, she tried to say something but she couldn't form the words instead she shook her head as tears began to build.

"I've spent all these years supporting you, I helped you study and I made damn sure that no-one in this whole school would even think of slushing you. I went after anyone who made you feel even the tiniest bit upset because that's what best friends do." Santana continued her eyebrows knitted together as she took a step back, "And I don't regret a second of it, I do it all again if I had to but I…"

"You what?" Brittany whispered, her head bowed as she bit her lip.

"I needed you to support me too." Santana exhaled, "I just, I hate feeling like…like I love you more than you love me."

Brittany shook her head as she snapped her eyes up to stare at her friend, "What? No, that's not true-"

"Except that it is." Santana argued sadly, "I know that you love me Britts, I do but all I could think about this summer while I was in Puerto Rico without you, was that you were here and so was Artie. I was terrified that I'd get home and you two would be back together again, or you would have met someone else."

"I already told you, there is nothing between Artie and me anymore."

Santana nodded grimly, her throat tightening as she choked, "Yeah but I still had to wait for you to break up with him, I still have to accept that I'm your second choice. You loved him more."

"No-"

"Admit it Britts, if he hadn't called you stupid you would still be with him." The brunette mumbled sadly, one hand wiping away a tear that had refused to be held back.

Brittany was silent, she wanted to disagree but she couldn't find the words.

"The fact is, if things were the other way around – I would have dumped anyone in a heartbeat to be with you." Santana admitted her heart heavy as she added, "I know it took me a long time to be able to tell you that it was you I wanted. I know I did, and said, some stupid stuff to you but when it came down to it…you didn't choose me."

"But I told you, I couldn't hurt Artie like that."

"Because you loved him more." Santana concluded, "You picked him and I had to wait and…it was my fault I guess, I pushed you away and it would have been selfish of me to think you'd break up with him for _me_ but I really, really thought you would."

"I'm sorry." Brittany replied, her cheeks shining with tears as she tried to reach out a comforting hand.

"Me too." Santana said as she stepped away, she could feel her emotions building and she knew if she didn't leave now then things were doing to get messy "I-I gotta go Britts."

Brittany shook her head, "No, please…"

"I'll see you around." Santana murmured as she turned on her heel and quickly sped off down the hallway and tried not to break into a run.

As Santana pushed through the double doors and into the cool afternoon air she was more than happy to find Brittany hadn't decided to pursue her anymore. Taking a deep breath the cheerleader clutched the straps of her rucksack as she headed to her car; she was so focused on simply putting one foot in front of the other and not breaking down that she didn't see the figure leaning against the hood of her mustang.

Muttering to herself in Spanish the cheerleader was shaken from her thoughts as she heard a familiar voice.

"Are you okay?"

Santana snapped her gaze up from her feet to look at Rachel, "What are you doing out here?"

"Well, I didn't exactly feel like staying in the choir room with everyone else after everything that was said, so I came to find you." Rachel explained as she slid away from the car and cautiously approached her friend, "But you were talking to Brittany so I decided it would be best for me to wait here."

"You heard me and Britts?" Santana asked, crossing her arms defensively at the thought of anyone knowing her best friend had rejected her.

Rachel shook her head, "No, I saw you and I figured you would want your privacy so I took the long way around and I got you this." Reaching into her pocket the diva pulled out a slightly crumbled snickers bar, "Chocolate makes everything better, so I'm told. I've never found a vegan substitute close enough."

"That's my favourite." Santana said, eyeing up the candy bar.

"I know, you brought like….a case with you on the flight to Nationals." Rachel giggled as she handed over the chocolate.

"Thanks." Santana said as she unwrapped it and took a huge bite, a small smile appearing before she sighed and mumbled, "Today sucks."

Rachel nodded, "I know which is why I was hoping that you might be willing to offer me a ride home?"

"Being your chauffeur is supposed to brighten this crappy day?" Santana complained as she finished off her candy and pulled her car keys from her pocket.

The singer shook her head as she rounded the car and pulled open the passenger door, "No but I figure if we are going to do something fun then maybe it would be best to change first, I know you and the rest of the Cheerios have to wear those uniforms everywhere but I think the carnival would be much more fun in your…ah, civilian clothes."

Santana raised an eyebrow as she tossed her bag into the back and hopped into the driver's seat, "Carnival?"

"Carnival." Rachel stated firmly as she gestured for Santana to start driving, "There is nothing more fun especially after today. Plus you have some spare clothes at my house, even if you have yet to use the guest room…"

Santana nodded as she pulled the car out of the parking lot, she had moved a few things over to the Berry household the day she had been offered the room but she had yet to actually stay there. She knew the diva was worried about her and that it was going to get harder to avoiding staying with the family but she simply wasn't comfortable intruding on them.

It didn't take long for the two girls to get back to the Berry house, change and jump back into the car. Santana was glad Rachel's Dads were still at work and she had been able to avoid them but she had still managed to get ready even quicker than normal. She figured she could pass her speed off as enthusiasm if Rachel asked but luckily the diva was too caught up in her excitement to notice anything strange.

"Ready?" Rachel beamed as she clipped her seat beat in.

"Bring it on."


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N – Everyone loves the carnival…this is just a sweet filler chapter. I figured Santana needed a little fun after everything I'm putting her through!**

The drive to the carnival was short and surprisingly relaxed; initially Santana had expected Rachel to want to talk about everything that had happened that day. She knew the diva like to process everything to an insane degree, so when it became apparent that the smaller girl was not going to spend the afternoon rehashing Santana's misery the cheerleader allowed herself to relax. The truth was she loved going to carnivals and everything about them; the rides, the food and the games was like the best day ever and Santana was determined to put aside her current situation and actually enjoy it.

"Holy crap on a cracker." Rachel baulked as she craned her neck up to follow the track of a particularly impressive rollercoaster.

"Woah." Santana agreed as she followed her friends gaze.

Rachel grinned nervously as she spotted something off to the side, with a gentle tug on the cheerleader's arms she trotted over to the booth, "I love these!"

Santana smiled as she saw Rachel admiring an oversized stuffed frog and before she could say anything the singer was already handing over a wad of notes to the guy manning the booth. She could see the look of determination etched across the smaller girls face but Santana had a feeling this was not about to end well.

"Oh come on!" Rachel growled as she missed another free throw by what Santana suspected, was the biggest miss of all time.

Santana chuckled as she observed her friend, "You kind of suck."

Rachel narrowed her eyes and glared at her friend briefly before focusing her attention back on the basket, "I do not suck."

"You really do." Santana argued playfully as she leant against the edge of the stand.

"Fine, if you're going to be such a smartass, why don't you should me how it's done?"

Santana tilted her head, a smile playing across her lips at the challenge. Pretending to think about it for a second the cheerleader grinned before casually turning to the attendant who had taken to staring at them, "How many do I have to get?"

She saw Rachel perk up when the guy mentioned the stuffed animal but remained nonchalant as she paid for her turn, "Alright Berry, watch and learn."

Rachel scowled as she crossed her arms over her chest but she couldn't help the tiny smile that appeared as she watched her friend lining herself up for the shot, "You need five from five, there is no way you'll do it."

"Thanks for the support half-pint." Santana grinned as she sunk her first shot with ease and moved on to the second, "Did I mention I'm like, awesome at basketball?"

Rachel pouted as she watched Santana sink the next three shots, "Where did you learn to do that?"

Santana paused as she shot Rachel a grin, "Puckerman has other uses besides sex you know. Now quit distracting me, this is for the win."

Rachel held up her hands in playful defence as she fell quiet and watched the Latina line up her final shot but just as she was about to throw the diva wondered, "You and Puck play sports together?"

"Played. Yes." The cheerleader answered as she managed to hold onto the ball, "He got sick of me beating him all the time so he quit."

"That's so cute." The diva beamed.

"Freaking adorable." Santana agreed as she gestured to the game, "Mind if I finish?"

Rachel grinned as she nodded, she could feel the attendant watching them and was partially inclined to tell him to start organising the prizes as only seconds later Santana sunk her final shot, the cheerleader letting out a loud victory cheer and something that sounded incredibly rude in Spanish.

Turning to the poor guy behind the booth Santana gave him a cocky grin, "Gets me my frog carny man."

Rachel hid her chuckle as he scowled but did as he was told, as the man handed Santana the frog the singer pouted with jealously only to find the stuffed animal shoved unceremoniously in her arms, "What are you doing?"

"Duh, giving you the stupid frog thing." Santana replied with her trademark eye-roll, "That's the one you wanted right?"

"Well, I- Yes…" Rachel stumbled as she clasped the frog to her chest.

Santana nodded firmly as she moved away from the stand, "So which bit are you confused about?"

"I'm not I just…you won it for me?" Rachel asked, glad for the darkening evening that hid the blush spreading across her cheeks. No one had won her anything before.

"I gotta share the wealth my talent brings right?" The cheerleader shrugged casually as she rammed her hands into her pockets and added, "Think of it as a…thank you, for y'know…everything."

Rachel beamed as she hugged the frog closer, her smile radiating towards her friend as she followed Santana over to one of the many food stalls. With a cheeky smile the diva asked, "Why do I get the feeling your some kind of carnival ninja?"

"I gots some crazy skills." Santana admitted as she and Rachel joined one of the queues for food, "You should see me on those wack-a-mole things."

Rachel chuckled as she made a note to stop by there later, "That I can believe."

As the queue shuffled forward Santana smiled as she observed the other people around them. It was still pretty early in the evening so the place was mostly populated by families and some older people wandering around and enjoying themselves. As the cheerleaders eyes fell on a pair of young girls nearby she sighed, the two were obviously sisters judging by the way the older one seemed intent on dragging the younger one around as she clutched a stack of ride tokens and her sister an ice cream. The older girl was so focused on getting her sister through the crowd she didn't notice when a boy came flying up behind them, apparently playing superman, and knocked the smaller of the girls to the floor. When the little girl burst into tears the little boy ran away obviously not willing to confront a very angry older sister who had quickly glared at him as she dropped to her knees by her sister. Santana frowned as she watched the older girl try and comfort her sister who was sobbing over a now squashed ice-cream and a scraped knee.

"Hey, did you want something or what?" a voice shouted out drawing Santana's attention as she realised she was at the front of the queue and Rachel, holding a drink, was staring at her quizzically as the guy in the van stared at her for holding up service.

Santana passed Rachel some money as she mumbled a distracted order and before the singer could do anything she was already hurrying over to where the two girls were still sitting.

"Hey." Santana mumbled as she knelt down next to the two girls, "You okay?"

"My Mommy says we're not supposed to talk to strangers." The older girl mumbled nervously as she tore her worried gaze away from her sister.

"Your Mommy's a smart lady." Santana smiled, as she looked at the still crying little girl, "Is she here with you two?"

The girl hesitated but gave a small nod as the younger girl cried, "My leg hurts."

"In that case, maybe you should call her?" Santana suggested as she whipped her cell phone from her pocket and handed it over. The older sister wasted no time in hurriedly typing in a number, while the girl spoke to her Mother Santana turned her attention to the other little girl who was currently alternating between crying over her knee and her ice-cream, before she could say anything though Rachel's voice interrupted.

"Is everything okay?"

Turning to look up at the singer Santana nodded, her answer cut off as the young girl handed the cell phone to her, "My Mom's on her way now."

"Awesome." Santana nodded a comforting smile on her face as she added, "And you know my friend here was just saying that there's a stall over there that does like, the best ice-cream."

"Really?" The smaller of the two sniffed a hopeful glint in her eyes as she looked for her sister's permission.

"I don't know…we're not supposed to go off with strangers…"

Santana nodded again, "That's right but luckily the stall is right there." The cheerleader smiled as she pointed to an ice-cream stall only a few feet away, "And we can sit somewhere that is not on the ground while we wait for your Mom."

Both girls smiled hesitantly as they agreed, and while the two sisters helped themselves up from the ground Santana was happy to take Rachel's hand as she pulled her to her feet. A few minutes later the four were sat around a picnic table as the children attacked huge ice-cream cones and Santana kept an eye out for what she expected to be one worried mother.

"Emily? Hannah?"

Santana peered into the crowd and seeing a woman frantically searching the area she offered a quick wave to get her attention. As soon as she noticed the woman came rushing over, her eyes focused on the two children she swept them both into a big hug, "Girls, there you are. I was so worried."

"Mom…" the younger of the two whined as she wiggled her way loose, "You're gonna squish my ice cream. I got the chocolate brownie, Santana said it was the best. Hannah got vanilla, that's boring."

The woman frowned as she pulled away, her eyes finally landing on the two teenage girls currently lingering by the table she shot them both an appreciative smile, "Thank you so much, I swear I leave these two alone for ten minutes and they get themselves into all kinds of crazy messes."

"No worries." Santana replied, her discomfort growing as she watched the woman fawning over her two children, "Anyway look, we gotta go."

Shifting her weight Santana gently pushed Rachel away from the family. "I should at least pay you for the ice-cream, it's the least I can do…"

Santana shrugged as she waved a hand dismissively, "No biggie." And with that she turned and began to walk away from the table, a small smile tugging at her features as she heard the girls called out behind her.

"Bye Santana! Thanks for the ice-cream!"

Rachel smiled as she jogged to catch her friend up and as they fell into step with each other she was surprised to see the sad expression on the cheerleaders face, "Hey, you okay?"

Santana sighed, "Yeah. I just…seeing them, reminds me of how Yara and I used to be. Whenever there was a carnival my whole family would go and Yara always dragged me around with her, she lost me once and my Mom went nuts at her."

"She lost you?"

"In the hall of mirrors." Santana said with a chuckle, "I was seven and Yara had promised my Mom she would look after me but I was kind of…mischievous. She thought she was holding my hand but when she wasn't looking I switched with some other kid, scared the crap out of everyone. We both got in so much trouble for it."

Rachel giggled at the thought of a young Santana running amok, "Did you go a lot?"

"Whenever we could." Santana replied, her smile growing as she added, "Even after the whole hall of mirrors incident Yara and I were like, inseparable at these things. I love them, they remind me of all the good times we had together. One year we had this huge cotton candy binge and we were both sick like, everywhere. It was not a pretty sight, to this day I can't even look at the stuff."

"It's a good thing I didn't buy you any then." Rachel concluded as she pulled a can of diet coke and a snickers bar from her bag and passed them to the confused girl, "What?"

"I thought I asked for chips." Santana said with a shrug as she happily unwrapped her second snickers of the day.

Rachel blinked as she held back a laugh, "I have no idea what you asked me to get you actually, you were so busy playing wonder-woman that you asked me in Spanish and for future record, no habla ingles."

Santana choked on her food as she tried to hold back her laugh, "You know you just said you don't speak English, right?"

"I knew that." Rachel blushed, her eyes darting around as she tried to change the subject, "Anyway, I think it's time we took on some rides!"

The cheerleader smiled nervously, she could see the looming sign for the _Nexus_ rising up in front of them and her brain grimaced a little at the sight. It had looked pretty intense earlier but now with Rachel hurrying them towards it, it looked down right horrible.

"Come on!" the singer beamed as she manoeuvred them to the back of the surprisingly short queue, her eyes widened as she gasped, "Oh my god."

"What?"

"You're scared of roller-coasters!" the diva stated as she studied her friend. She could see the grimace on the cheerleaders face as she eyed the structure and the way she tensed at the sounds of screams coming from the current riders.

Santana shook her head as she scoffed and crossed her arms, "I am not."

"I thought you were supposed to be badass-" Rachel teased as she they stepped closer to the front of the queue.

"Hey, I am totally badass." The cheerleader stated, her façade broken as she jumped at the sound of the rollercoaster whizzing past, "Alright, fine. I don't like them, they make me nauseous and I don't get the point of them but I am not scared of them."

Rachel smiled as again they meandered closer to the front, "We can go on something else if you want?"

"Pfft…" Santana scoffed, her eyes darting from the girl next to her to the rollercoaster which was now waiting for them to climb aboard, "I'm not a wuss, we're doing this."

Rachel shrugged as she handed a set of tokens over to the girl at the gate, she almost re-considered her own participation when the attendant made her part with her stuffed frog but one smirk from Santana pulled her back to reality. As the two girls strapped themselves into their seats Rachel could see the cheerleader already developing a green tint, "You okay?"

"Uh-huh." came the short reply.

The singer smiled and reached over to take Santana's hand; linking their fingers together she gave a reassuring squeeze as the ride jerked into action. The last words she could make out as the ride began its first assent made the singer laugh.

"If I die on this thing I'm gonna haunt the crap out of you."

By the time the two girls had their feet back on the ground Rachel was grinning from ear to ear as she reclaimed her prize and Santana was headed straight for the nearest bench, her normally flawless skin a subtle shade of green.

"No more rollercoasters?" Rachel asked as she took a seat next to her friend.

"No more rollercoasters." Santana agreed, her breathing evening out as she felt her stomach settle and glared up at _The Nexus_ accusingly, "I do not get the hype behind those things."

"Thanks for coming on with me." the singer giggled as she gently pulled her friend back onto her feet, "But how about now…you show me some more of your crazy carnival skills?"

"Wack-a-mole?" Santana asked, perking up a bit as she grinned.

"Lead the way!"


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N – I've had a few people asking me whether this is going to be a friend-fic or something more and those of you who might have read my other stuff will have guessed, this **_**is**_** going to end in some PezBerry loving. But of course, half the fun of that is getting them together. I don't plan on throwing them together randomly, Santana has a lot to deal with and she needs friends and other characters will be making their presence known in later chapters. The pezberry side of things will develop throughout the story. **

Santana let out a loud yawn as she slowly dragged herself from her car, she could feel her eyelids weighing down and with another huge yawn she slammed the door shut behind her. It was barely 8.30 in the morning and the cheerleader was already wishing she was back in bed and not about to sit through a gruelling day of lessons. She was just glad there wasn't a Cheerios' practice scheduled for that morning because there was no way in hell she could survive the wrath of Coach Sylvester today.

"Here." Rachel mumbled as she made her way around from the passenger seat and handed her friend one of the two coffees' she was clasping, her normal perky smile still glued to her face, "This day needs caffeine."

Santana gratefully accepted the cup as she replied, "There is not enough caffeine in the world."

As the two slowly made their way into the hallways of McKinley Santana smiled as she realised that Rachel had not been as oblivious to her avoidance techniques as she had hoped and she had to give the singer credit, she was persistent. She still didn't know exactly how the singer had managed to convince her to not only stay the night at her home after a night at the carnival but also to stay up insanely late watching old school horror movies. It had been a lot of fun though, eating popcorn and making fun of the lame special effects and even though the thought of surviving the day on only a few hours' sleep made Santana groan she didn't mind that much.

Downing the last of her coffee in record time Santana tossed the empty cup in a nearby bin and shooting Rachel a cheeky grin she quipped, "If I can do that five times in a row can I win the gift of sleep?"

"No." Rachel chuckled as they came to a stop by her locker, "By I will buy you extra coffee at lunch…I mean, you know if you want to…"

Santana cocked her head as the singer trailed off. She knew exactly what her friend was thinking; it was so much easier for the two of them to hang out outside of school. There were no worries about popularity or the 'social hierarchy' they could simply be themselves and not have to worry about what anyone else thought but being in McKinley wasn't as straight forward.

"It's fine." Rachel continued, taking the other girls silence as a rejection, "I actually had a song I wanted to work on anyway…"

Santana blinked as the singer wrenched open her locker and began sorting aimlessly through books, reaching out a hand the cheerleader playfully nudged her friend, "How about we meet in the auditorium then? And I'll bring the coffee?"

"Really?"

"Really." Santana confirmed, smiling as she saw Rachel break out into a grin. She wasn't naïve enough to think their new friendship was going to go unnoticed by the rest of the student body but she was happy to realise that she didn't care. It was a small step for her but none the less, she had wanted this year to be different and for her to give herself a chance to be more than the image she had created, "But now I gots to get to my books and get to Spanish so I can correct all of Mr Schue's pronunciation."

"I still can't believe they let you take that class."

Santana grinned as she turned and made the short journey to her own locker which was conveniently just down the hall from Rachel's. As the cheerleader quickly juggled her own textbooks she couldn't help but shoot a last glance at her friend, her smile faded though as she saw Finn now leaning casually against the row of lockers as he stared down intently at Rachel. She knew the two hadn't spoken much over the summer but from the looks of things Finn was more than ready to reconnect with his ex. Again. Santana tried not to linger over the other two's interaction and she tried even harder to ignore the weird knot it caused in her stomach.

It was only because she was happily watching Finn trudge away from Rachel that she saw it coming, the looming figure of Azimio lumbering down the hallway as he hunted down a victim for the ice cold slushy in his hand. She was too far away to do anything though, and as she saw the football player focus his sneer on Rachel she could only shout a warning as the singer closed her locker and was met with a face full of ice.

Marching the short distance down the hallway Santana didn't think twice as she approached the football player and shoved him away from Rachel, "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"What's your problem, Lopez?" Azimio sneered as he tried to look as though he hadn't just been sent stumbling back by a girl half his size, "You sticking up these losers now?"

Santana glared as she stepped forward, a predatory glare on her face as she poked Azimio's chest sharply, "Damn right I am. If I see you anywhere near her again, I will end you."

"You can't do anything to me." Azimio said, trying to appear confident as his gaze flicked between Santana and a stunned blue-faced Rachel.

"I can make sure no girl ever goes near you again." The cheerleader growled, a sickly sweet smile on her face as she dropped her voice to whisper, "It be a real shame if the girls found out about your little herpes problem…"

Azimio shook his head as he looked around nervously to see if anyone had overheard, "I don't have herpes-"

"That's funny because in the rumours I could start, you do." Santana stated, one eyebrow raised as she challenged the boy, "And let's face it, no-one wants a disease ridden whore of a football player."

With a growl Azimio slammed the now empty cup the ground and took a step back, his eyes darkened as he muttered, "Whatever Les-pez, should have figured you'd be the butch one in the relationship."

Santana clenched her jaw angrily as she tried to appear unfazed by the jibe, "Whatever, get lost. Now."

Azimio growled something unintelligible and with one last glare at the two girls he turned and fled the scene pushing past the small crowd that had gathered and Santana assumed, back to whatever rock he'd dragged himself out from under. Seeing the now staring faces focused on herself and Rachel the cheerleader glared, "What are you losers looking at? Show's over."

Slowly the crowd began to disperse and as Santana turned to look at Rachel she gave her friend a smile, "Come on; let's go get you cleaned up."

"I don't have any spare clothes." Rachel mumbled as she wiped a clump of slushy from her top, the liquid splattering down onto the floor and narrowly missing Santana's white sneakers.

"You can borrow mine." Santana replied, "After Karofsky caught me last year I keep a set in my locker, they might be a little big but it's better than nothing."

"Thanks." The smaller girl mumbled as she let the cheerleader gently pull her towards her locker.

After stopping to pick up Santana's emergency-slushy kit the two girls headed for the nearest bathroom which emptied of all occupants the second the cheerleader swung the door open and stormed in. Thankful for the privacy Santana tossed Rachel the spare clothes and while the smaller girl changed she dragged a chair over to one of the sinks. She was glad that the glee kids had the forethought to set up a system for post slushy attacks but it also kind of sucked how prepared they had to be.

"Are you sure you don't mind me borrowing these?" Rachel asked as she shimmied into a pair of skinny jeans and a McKinley High hoodie.

Santana shrugged as she gestured for Rachel to sit, "If I did, I wouldn't have offered them to you."

"Touché." The diva replied as she crammed her ruined clothes into a ball and shoved them on the counter. Slumping down in the chair Rachel sighed, "I smell like blueberry."

"I like blueberries." The cheerleader replied casually as she began to carefully wash the slushy from Rachel's hair, her eyes widening at her words she coughed awkwardly as she added, "I can't believe that tool slushied you before the bell even rang. He's such an ass."

Rachel nodded, her eyes closed as she let herself relax into the warmth of the water washing over her head and the feel of Santana's hands gently ridding her of the ice, "Thanks for sticking up for me."

"What are friends for?" Santana asked rhetorically, her mouth curving into a grimace as she added, "I just wish I'd gotten there quicker, I'd like to see how he feels about getting a slushy facial."

The singer giggled, "That I would like to see."

Santana hummed her approval as she continued to wash the blue dye from the singers scalp, "Ergh, blue is the worst."

"How did you see him?" Rachel asked suddenly, her eyes opening as she tried to look at her friend, "I mean you yelled before I even saw him. Were you watching me?"

"No!" Santana said defensively, her features moulding into a frown as she added, "Well, yes but when you say it like that it makes me sound creepy."

Rachel chuckled, "No it doesn't, I like it – having someone look out for me is nice. It makes a change from…"

"From…" Santana repeated as she wrung out the last of the water from the singer's hair and turned off the taps.

Sitting up Rachel grabbed the towel Santana offered and began drying her hair, "Finn."

"I saw you talking to him earlier." Santana stated, hoping she sounded casual and not as strangely unhappy about it as she felt. She knew she had no right to have any kind of say in who Rachel spoke to but seeing that lumbering giant making googly-eyes at Rachel had instantly set her on edge and while she tried to convince herself it was because she still blamed him for their loss at Nationals, a niggling voice in the back of her brain said otherwise.

Rachel sighed, her eyes flicking down to the floor she shrugged, "Exactly."

"What?" the cheerleader asked, a confused look on her face as she offered Rachel a comb.

"He was right there, literally a few feet away and much closer than you were but he didn't do anything. He didn't defend me, he did nothing." Rachel explained as she hurriedly pulled her hair into a loose braid, "The whole reason he came over to speak to me was to say that he was still in love with me and that he wanted to get back together but I…I can't be with someone who won't stand up for me. It's not like I can't take care of myself but I need to be with someone who will support me when I need it, you know?"

Santana blinked as the diva stared up at her with wide eyes; she could practically hear her own words to Brittany echoing around the room, "I know exactly what you mean."

"Finn is a good guy and the time that we had together was nice but it's time to move on." Rachel stated as she stood up and made her way over to the mirror to check her restored appearance, "I need someone who's going to challenge me and make me want to be the best I can be, someone I can talk to and isn't afraid to deal with my admittedly high maintenance traits. I just –I want to feel special, is that too much to ask?"

"Not at all." Santana murmured as she watched the other girl reapply her make-up.

"What about you?" Rachel asked, her eyes lingering on the other girl's reflection in the mirror.

Santana felt her heart quicken, her mouth dry she stuttered, "What?"

"Well, what are looking for in a girl?" the diva explained as she spun away from the mirror to look at her friend.

The cheerleader shrugged uncomfortably as she averted her gaze, part of her wondered why Rachel wasn't grilling her on the Brittany situation – she knew it was pretty much the worst kept secret in the club but she also figured it was obvious that the two weren't on the best terms any more.

Deflating at the other girl's reaction Rachel coughed and focused on piling her belongings back into her bag, silently cursing herself for forgetting how private Santana could be, "Sorry. I didn't mean to pry."

"No, it's not that." Santana replied awkwardly, her eyes snapping back to meet her friend's as she shifted from foot to foot, "It's just…I mean, I haven't…I've never talked to anyone about…girls."

"Oh." Rachel stated, the sudden realisation quickly changing into a friendly smile she continued, "Well, do you have a type?"

Santana bit her lip as she thought about it, shaking her head she sighed, "I don't think so."

"Blondes?" Rachel asked with a knowing smile as she hopped up to take a seat on the counter.

"If that were the case, I'd be all over Quinn." Santana replied with a grin, her nervousness fading as she hopped up on the counter next to her friend, "And believe me, I do not have a thing for Quinn."

The singer smiled as she scooted over slightly, "She is pretty."

Santana quirked an eyebrow at that, causing Rachel to blush and look away as she joked "But I'm starting to think you do."

"You're funny." Rachel said as she rolled her eyes and playfully nudged the cheerleaders shoulder.

The cheerleader laughed, her eyes dropping to the floor as her face turned more serious, "I don't know, I mean…it's not like I can be too picky right? There's no exactly a mass of girls out there waiting to date me, I have a hard enough time finding people who can tolerate me as a friend so…"

"Don't talk like that, you're awesome Santana." Rachel argued as she twisted slightly to look at her friend, "And you shouldn't settle for anyone less than perfect."

The cheerleader tilted her head a smile tugging at her features she whispered, "I-I just want someone who really _sees_ me. Someone doesn't need me to hold everything together all the time, I mean I like being the…strong one but it's freaking exhausting trying to do it all."

Rachel smiled as she agreed, "Sometimes it's nice to be the little spoon."

"Even when you're an awesome big spoon." Santana agreed with a chuckle.

The sound of the bell echoing through the school broke the girl's from their bubble and with a loud groan Santana slumped back against the mirror as Rachel hopped off the side and grabbed her bag. If the thought of going to class had been horrible when she got out of the car it was even worse now, even with the clean-up operation both girls were still tinged a little blue and Santana knew that she didn't actually need to go to Mr Shue's class to learn anything.

"You're going to class." Rachel stated firmly as she grabbed the cheerleaders hand and dragged her off the counter, "And then you're going to your next one and so on until lunch where I will bring coffee and you will bring food."

Santana rolled her eyes as she swung her backpack over her shoulder, "Fine but I'm only going because it's fun to wind up Mr Schue."

"Whatever gets you through the day." Rachel beamed as she held the door open for her friend, "Just try not to get detention. Again."

"Yeah, yeah see you at lunch Ray." Santana replied with a roll of her eyes, "Don't forget my caffeine."


	11. Chapter 11

The day was dragging by entirely too slowly for Santana's liking and glaring at the time on her screen she wondered how the hell it was only mid-way through the afternoon. She had suffered through first period Spanish with little more than some sarcastic banter at Mr Schue's efforts and had done a pretty good job paying attention through second period English. The only highlight to her day so far had been spending lunch in the auditorium with Rachel and now that her caffeine high was starting to fade the cheerleader wondered if she would make it to the end of the day without completely falling asleep.

"Okay class, good work today." Mrs Montgomery drawled, her soft voice breaking through the quiet of the computer lab, "Now don't forget your assignments are due this Friday."

Santana groaned as she began to grab her things together; she hadn't even started the assignment yet but luckily she knew her parents were both going to be out of town for work over the next couple of days. It was one of the rare occasions she had the house to herself and could relax enough to get her homework done. As the bell rang to signal the end of class the cheerleader was the first one up and out of her seat, she only had one more class to get through and then she was free for the day.

As she strolled through the hallway Santana was so caught up in her idea to drag Rachel to her house and order in Breadsticks for some much needed energy food that she almost didn't notice the small group gathered by her locker. It wasn't something that happened often, people tended to stay out of her way as much as possible and apart from Brittany, and occasionally Mercedes; no one seemed willing to approach her normally.

"Santana, we need to talk." Finn stated as he drew himself to his full height in a hope to impose some kind of authority.

The cheerleader narrowed her eyes as she pulled open her locker and tossed the books she was holding inside, the whole leader-complex was seriously starting to get on her nerves, "I don't see what I could possibly have to talk to you about Fatty McGassy pants."

"Then you can listen instead." Artie piped up from his place next to Finn.

Throwing the boy a menacing glare Santana sighed and slammed her locker shut, leaning against the cool metal she let her eyes flick between the four glee clubbers forming a loose semi-circle in front of her, "What do you want?"

"We want you to leave Rachel alone." Mercedes stated calmly.

"What?" Santana asked in disbelief as she echoed, "You…want me to leave her alone?"

Kurt nodded as he shifted his weight from foot to foot anxiously, "I know you're…angry about what happened the other night but that really is between you and well, us. You need to leave Rachel out of it."

Santana gritted her teeth, _so much for an apology, _"I don't understand what the hell you think you're saying-"

Finn stepped forward as he stared at the cheerleader, "We're saying that whatever horrible scam you're trying to pull on the rest of New Directions, leave Rachel out of it. We all know you don't like her and this fake-friendship thing you're pulling is not going to work."

Santana scoffed, her arms crossed defensively she growled, "Fake friendship?"

"We might not have worked out exactly how you plan on using Rachel against us but we're telling you now, stop messing her around." Finn spat.

Pushing herself away from the lockers Santana sneered, she couldn't believe what was happening. She knew people were going to have a problem with her and Rachel being friends but she figured most of it would come from the jocks and the Cheerio's, berating herself for her own naivety she growled, "I don't have to listen to this."

"Yes, you do." Kurt snapped, his normally calm exterior faltering slightly, "Rachel is our friend and I will be damned if we're going to sit back and watch you ruin her."

"We all saw your award winning performance earlier; you couldn't help Rachel fast enough could you?" Finn provoked, his stare set firmly on Santana as the two squared up, "You're normally the one ordering the slushy, not helping clean them off."

Santana snarled, "You sure as hell weren't going to help her were you?"

Finn had the decency to falter at that, his eyes dropping to the floor as Santana glared at the group, the tall boy's unconvincing voice falling on uncaring ears, "Rachel can take care of herself."

"You're pathetic." Santana snapped her body boiling with anger at the way Finn tried to shrug off the fact a football player had gone after the tiny girl, her next insult was cut off though as a voice from beside her interrupted.

"What's going on?" Rachel asked as she came to a stop next to the cheerleader, she had been on her way to pick up a forgotten book from her own locker when she noticed her friend being seemingly interrogated. She thought for a moment that maybe the group were apologising but it didn't take a genius to work out that was ever was happening it was not glee club extending the hand of friendship. Rachel felt the tiny spark of hope she had flick and die as she saw the way everyone seemed to be glaring at each other.

Turning to face her friend Santana rolled her eyes, "These guys were just telling me how you're capable of looking after yourself after a slushy attack but you aren't quite capable of deciding who you should be friends with."

"What?" Rachel asked coldly, her steely gaze focusing on Finn.

"She's playing you Rachel, can't you see that?" he tried, gesturing for the rest of the group to back him up.

Artie nodded, "It's true, I mean she obviously has ulterior motives."

"Such as?" the diva prompted as she crossed her arms, mirroring Santana. She really wanted to see where this was going.

"Well, we haven't exactly worked that part out yet." Artie admitted as he fidgeted in his chair, "But she's up to something, she always is. I-I bet she's been planning this all summer."

Rachel pursed her lips; the idea that Santana had spent her summer in Puerto Rico plotting her downfall seemed even more absurd now that she knew about the cheerleader's family. Turning to Kurt and Mercedes she raised an eyebrow, "You all think this is a scheme?"

The two divas shrugged and nodded, both looking awkwardly at each other as they tried not to see how angry Rachel was. Finn sighed as he took a step forward trying to make his ex-girlfriend see his point, "We are your friends and we don't want to see you get hurt."

"I can't believe this." Rachel retorted angrily, "If I want to spend time with Santana then I will, you don't get to decide who I am friends with."

Finn scoffed as he gestured towards the cheerleader, "She's not your friend!"

"And how the hell would you know?" Santana shouted, she could feel herself getting more and more upset with every word that came towards her. It was only when Rachel lay a calming hand on her shoulder that she managed to control her emotions long enough to take a deep breath and bite back some of her rage. She took a little comfort from the double take Mercedes did as she saw Rachel's soothing gesture.

"What's going on?"

Santana whipped her head to the side to see a confused Brittany glancing between the two groups, her eyes darting from face to face as she tried to work out what was happening. It wasn't exactly an everyday thing to see Santana and Rachel squared off against Finn especially in the middle of the hallway.

"It's nothing Brittany." Artie soothed, his patronising tone instantly winding up both the cheerleaders.

"Don't talk to her like she's a fucking kid Wheels." Santana snapped, her natural instinct to protect the blonde overriding her current issues with her friend, "What's going on is the great beached whale and his band of loyal followers have managed to tear themselves away from their mission to roll him into the ocean long enough to tell me that I'm not allowed to be friends with Rachel because I'm a scheming bitch."

"But, I'm friends with Rachel." Brittany stated innocently as she stood between the two groups, "Am I not supposed to be?"

Finn rolled his eyes as he pointed between the two Cheerio's, "You're not the problem, she is."

"Because it's such a stretch of your tiny imagination that I might actually like Rachel?" Santana snapped. She knew the rest of the club had their issues with her but she never thought they would dislike her enough to ruin her friendship with Rachel, "I mean I couldn't possibly be capable of being friends with someone other than Britts right?"

Rachel felt her heart tighten in her chest; she could tell that the other girl was close to breaking point. Every bad thought the cheerleader had about her place in the glee club was being confirmed twice over by the groups callus approach to what Rachel assumed was meant to be an intervention to protect her. Rather than make the singer feel protected they were making Santana feel like even more of an outcast.

"We're not saying that-" Mercedes tried, her regretful tone almost lost as Artie interrupted.

"We're saying that she can't be trusted." Artie stated, "She's back on Team Sue for one thing and she has a history of being nothing but a bitch to you Rachel, to all of us!"

Brittany frowned at her ex-boyfriend, she didn't understand how Finn and Artie couldn't see the double standard in their argument, "But I'm on the Cheerio's too, do you think I'm planning something bad?"

"It's not the same."

"Well, yeah it kind of is." The blonde argued as she moved to stand by Rachel the battle lines drawn again.

Finn exhaled loudly as his eyes flicked between the three girls who were currently glaring at him, the fire in their eyes only fuelling his stubborn refusal to accept the change in dynamic, "No. Santana insults everyone on a daily basis. She gave me and Quinn mono for god sakes, she probably tells Coach Sylvester everything to bring us down-"

"I gave Sue the set list." Brittany interrupted sadly.

"It's not the same thing." Finn argued, his heated stare set firmly on Santana as he continued "The fact is you're such a bitch I bet your parents wish they could take you back to Satan!"

Santana felt her breath catch in her throat, her normal repertoire of insults and anger quickly replaced by an overwhelming darkness. She knew Finn didn't know anything about her home life, he didn't know anything about her at all, and he couldn't possibly know how much those offhand words hurt but he had still managed to zoom in on her biggest insecurity.

A stunned hush fell over the group and for a second everyone was still, the angry words echoing around the space as the group all stared at Finn with their mouths ajar. For his part Finn snap his head down, his own eyes wide with shock at the words that had come tumbling from his mouth. It was only Rachel who knew the full extent of the punch packed behind that one sentence and without even looking at Santana she could tell how devastated she was. She knew Kurt, Mercedes and Artie had all been waiting for a typical Santana-style outburst and when it didn't come the three looked awkwardly among themselves, so unused to seeing the cheerleader with her walls broken down.

It only took a moment for Santana to rebuild them; her vicious words maybe have been snatched from her but her well-practised armour slid back into place as she felt the group watching her. She knew it wasn't fast enough, she knew that the others had seen a glimpse of the weakness she tried to hide so with a withering glare in Finn's direction Santana shoved her way past the group and stormed off down the hallway as fast as she could. She could feel her heart pounding in her chest as she tried to keep herself together, her mind focused on getting away from the scene and cursing herself for letting the boy's words cut so deep.

She didn't know where she was going; all she did know was that she was not going to class. Santana knew she was going to fall apart and there was no way she could hold herself together for much longer before it happened. Slamming her way through a set of double doors she let her auto-pilot take over and it wasn't long before her legs had taken her to the comforting darkness of the school auditorium. As she sank down into one of the chairs in front of the stage the cheerleader drew her legs up to her chest, she didn't care how pathetic she looked as the tears began to slowly fall down her cheeks she was simply glad for the quiet calm that enveloped her.

"Santana?"

The cheerleader let out a bitter chuckle as Rachel's soft voice floated through the room; she should have guessed her friend would find her though she figured that hiding in the auditorium wasn't exactly the most elusive approach. It had been the place where only hours earlier she and the singer had been casually sitting on the stage and consuming an onslaught of caffeine and snacks, it was inevitable really that she would be drawn back there.

Sniffing back her tears Santana rolled her head back so it was lying against the seat, "You're going to be late for class."

"I know." Rachel said quietly as she trotted down the stairs and took a seat next to the other girl, "I'm skipping."

"Jesus, I am a bad influence on you." Santana muttered as she turned to look away from the diva.

Rachel shook her head even though she knew the other girl couldn't see, "It's my choice." Reaching out to clasp one of the cheerleader's hands she linked their fingers together and smiled as the other girl finally turned to look at her. She could see the tear tracks staining her otherwise perfect features and gently Rachel leant over with her free hand to brush away the last of her friend's tears.

"So, is this our thing now?" Santana mumbled, "I run away like a wuss and you're my knight in shining armour? God, when did I get so pathetic?"

Rachel shook her head, turning her body so she could face her friend she settled back into her seat, "It's not pathetic to be upset…or to want someone to be here with you. Besides, you helped me earlier so technically we're each other's shining knights or…knightesses?"

Santana couldn't help the laugh that escaped, "Thanks."

"Anytime. I'm-I'm sorry about what happened back there I-"

"You don't have to apologise for them Rach." Santana interrupted, a sad smile on her face as she added, "I guess it makes sense I mean…they're worried about you and it's not like I haven't given them a reason to be."

Rachel grimaced, "It still doesn't give them the right to speak to you like that."

Santana nodded as she turned to look at the stage, a niggling worry seeping into her consciousness as she felt Rachel rubbing soothing patterns in the palm of her hand, she knew she had to ask but she wasn't sure if she could take the answer. Summoning her courage Santana kept her attention focused away from her friend, "Did you- Do you ever think this is one of my schemes?"

Rachel blinked in surprise, "Is this because of what Finn said or…"

"I've thought about it before." The cheerleader admitted with a shrug, "I'd understand you know, if you doubted me…."

"I don't." Rachel replied firmly, giving Santana's hand a gentle tug to get her attention she waited for the cheerleader to look at her before continuing, "I never have."

Santana was surprised at how relieved she was to hear those words. The thought of Rachel doubting her after all they had shared together would have been too much to take on top of her increasingly shitty day. A calm silence fell over the two as they sat huddled together; when Santana eventually broke the quiet her voice was soft and sad as though she was merely thinking out loud, "It must be nice…"

"What?"

Twisting in her seat so she was facing her friend Santana added, "To have people looking out for you. It must be nice to have friends."

Rachel tightened her grip on the other girls hand, she knew Santana wasn't looking for any kind of cementing of their friendship but she felt a pang in her chest at the longing of the words. It was the loneliness of the statement that tore at the singer; the horrible understanding that the other girl didn't know what it was like to have a group of people on your side.

"Brittany and I…we've always come as pair y'know? For the longest time she's pretty much been all I have." Santana continued quietly as she sighed, "If I thought someone was trying to hurt her, I do the same thing those guys did but…"

"But what?" the singer asked shuffling closer.

Santana looked down as she bit her lip, "They don't know about my family so I can't be mad about what Finn said, I mean I can obviously because he's a total ass-hat and I will totally rip him a new one the next time I see him-"

"San…"

"Sorry." The cheerleader mumbled her temporary angry dissipating as she whispered, "I'm just sick of the shit they think about me. It's like everyone gets a second chance except me and maybe, maybe I don't deserve one but it-"

"Of course you do." Rachel interjected as she used her free hand to clasp Santana's knee, "I'm a strong believer that everyone deserves a second chance and I've never been happier that I gave you one."

Santana sighed as she gave her friend a half-smile, "That's the difference between you and the rest of those guys. I mean, they literally think I have no good in me and maybe they're right it seems like a pretty popular opinion."

"They are wrong because they don't know anything about the real you." The singer stated firmly as she shuffled closer to her friend, "It was only a few hours ago that you were washing blueberry juice out of my hair and lending me your clothes. You won me a stuffed frog for crying out loud, you stood up to Finn for us and scared the crap out of Azimio. You got me those incredible vegan brownies at lunch-"

"I don't think getting you brownies makes me a saint." Santana joked, her spirits lifting as she locked eyes with the diva.

Rachel scoffed, "When Finn and I were together he constantly brought me chocolates and tried to drag me with him to ice cream parlours. One time he got disproportionately offended when I wouldn't split a pizza with him."

Santana chuckled at the exasperated look on Rachel's face before she glanced down at the floor, "I guess I need to buy a whole load of people brownies then."

Rachel shrugged at the metaphor, "I think you might be owed some in return."

"That's one crazy guilt-ridden bake sale." Santana said with a smile, her next sentence cut off by the sound of someone entering the auditorium. Whipping around in her seat she prayed that it wasn't any of the New Directions and was more than relieved to find it was Shelby Corcoran gracefully walking down the steps and towards the stage. Her relief was short lived though as she felt Rachel squeezing her hand tensely. She knew her friend had been struggling with her birth-mother's arrival at McKinley; there was still a world of things left unsaid between the two.

"Sorry, I didn't know anyone was in here." Shelby began as she approached the pair, her eyes widening when she realised who it was, "Rachel and…Santana, right?"

Santana offered the teacher a tight smile as she pulled herself up from her seat and gestured for Rachel to do the same, the smaller girl's attention was glued to her Mother but she remained uncharacteristically quiet and Santana was surprisingly glad when the singer seemed unwilling to let go of her hand.

"I was just getting ready for glee club." Shelby explained as she hovered in the aisle, "Sugar is progressing well and she even convinced a couple of the Cheerio's to join, they aren't great singers but they can really dance."

Santana frowned as she recalled, "Right, I heard a couple of the freshmen joined up, Megan and Christie."

"Sugar can be pretty persuasive." Shelby grinned, her smile fading as she looked at her watch, "Shouldn't you two be in class right now?"

Santana gave a noncommittal shrug, she knew that Shelby was technically a teacher but she figured the woman wasn't about to drag them to Principal Figgins for ditching. As she felt Rachel tugging discreetly on her hand the cheerleader got the message and made to move past Shelby, she didn't miss the small awkward smiles exchanged as the mother and daughter passed each other silently.

Pausing at the top of the stairs, an idea hit Santana and turning slightly she shouted back down to the teacher, "What's your group called?"

"The Troubletones." Shelby replied proudly as she made her way onto the stage.

"That's good." Santana replied with a smile, "I like it."

"What was that?" Rachel asked as the girls pushed their way through the exit of the auditorium, "You're supporting the competition now?"

Rolling her eyes the cheerleader shook her head, "They aren't exactly competition Rach they don't even have any singers. I just…I don't know, Shelby's a nationally ranked show choir director…"

Rachel came to a sudden stop, her hand still clutching Santana's she spun the girl around to face her, "What exactly are you saying?"

"Nothing, but…"

"But you're thinking of joining Shelby's choir aren't you?" Rachel asked sadly, she wasn't exactly surprised at the turn of events but that didn't make it hurt any less.

Santana sighed, she hated the crestfallen look on the singers face but at the same time she knew that it was time to face facts, "I stay with The New Directions because I love to sing but if I'm honest this year…you're the only reason I'm would even consider staying with them."

"And the music…" Rachel said, trying to hide the blush rising up her cheeks.

"Come on, I barely get to sing." Santana countered, "Yeah I got to do _Valerie_ but if I was in The Troubletones I'd actually get a chance to be the star for once and I wouldn't have to deal with all the fighting and bitching. Maybe they'd want me around."

Rachel bit her lip at the words; she couldn't exactly argue with that after all she was kind of the definition of wanting to be centre stage, "I want you around, I don't want you to leave."

"And I'm not saying for definite that I'm going to." Santana replied quickly, "It's just something I'm considering, okay?"

Rachel nodded sadly as she allowed Santana to drag her out of the school and towards the parking lot, the thought of Santana joining Shelby's group made her heart hurt not to mention her stomach. The Troubletones were nothing at the moment but with Santana as the lead Rachel didn't even want to think about the trouble that could cause the New Directions, after all the cheerleader was pretty much the reason they had managed to pull out a tie with The Warblers last year. She couldn't exactly blame her friend for wanting to leave, after all she didn't see the club as family, and the fact was Santana was still searching for her family. Rachel only hoped that she would get to be a part of it even if it meant Santana joining The Troubletones.

"Look…" Santana said as she and Rachel climbed into her car and slammed the doors shut, "I haven't made a decision yet so can we not…can we please just get some food and watch some mindless zombie flicks and not be all awkward and angry, please?"

Rachel smiled as she relaxed into her seat, "Okay, if you want we can go back to mine; order in Breadsticks and watch Dawn of the Dead?"

The engine roared into life as Santana grinned, "After the day we've just had that sounds perfect."

"I'll even make you cookies and braid your hair." Rachel teased.

"Don't push your luck." Santana chuckled, a thoughtful look on her face as she grinned, "Actually on second thoughts, you can make me those cookies."


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N- This chapter turned into a beast, I couldn't find an easier way to split it and it's been a while since I updated so hopefully an extra-long chapter will make it up to you guys a bit? **

**I really appreciate all the reviews and feedback I've been getting, I know my updates have been sparse and there's been longer between them than I would like so I'm grateful for people for sticking with me. I have it all planned don't worry, it's just finding the time to get everything out of my head and into words!**

Something about the combination of an evening spent watching zombie movies and actually getting a decent night's sleep meant that when Santana arrived at school the next day she was in an uncharacteristically good mood, add in the fact that Rachel had been up bright and early and waiting with two cups of coffee and Santana was in her best mood ever. It didn't even matter that she had to spend the first few hours of her day getting yelled at through a megaphone by Coach Sylvester or that some idiot freshman had stamped on her foot during a routine. There weren't even any awkward feelings at the memory of sharing Rachel's bed with her after they fell asleep watching some god awful reality show, in fact Santana would go so far as to say waking up next to the singer had been a damn good way to start the day. She was of course, trying not to read too much into that particular line of thought.

As she strode out of her final class of the day she felt Brittany fall into step with her, it was a familiar routine and it brought a smile to the brunettes face. There was still a little tension between them but Santana knew they were starting to move past it and resume their friendship. The blonde had already spent a large part of the day tell her how after her dramatic exit yesterday she had missed Mercedes yelling at Finn so loudly that Principal Figgin's had to come from his office to calm her down but it was still something of a mystery to Santana.

"I can't believe she did that." Santana said as Brittany finally finished her story, "I mean it doesn't make any sense. Wheezy was all up in my business with the rest of them telling me to back off of Rachel."

Brittany shrugged as she linked her thumbs through the straps of her backpack, "She thought she was protecting her friend-"

"From me."

"Well yeah…but that doesn't mean she was okay with what Finn said to you." The dancer tried, her frown deepening as she added, "I still wish you'd let me fill his locker with Jello."

Santana smiled softly as she chuckled, "Me too but I promised Rachel that I wouldn't make things worse, she used more words than that but I'm pretty sure that was the gist of it and a promise is a promise."

"And I'm glad to see you are sticking it." Rachel beamed as she effectively appeared from nowhere to join the two cheerios' as they meandered down the hallway. She had spent all of her free time that day in the library working on an English project and even though Santana had promised to be on her best behaviour Rachel had her concerns about everyone else. She knew that if Finn or any of the other New Directions did anything to provoke Santana then the cheerleader would probably not be able to keep her resolve for that long.

"So, what song did you pick for this week?" Brittany asked as she waved to a passing cheerleader, "Mike ask me if I wanted to help him and Tina do some song from _Rent._"

Rachel smiled politely as she shrugged, "I haven't actually picked anything. After everything that's happened lately I've been a little distracted-"

"Maybe you and Santana could do something?" the dancer beamed as she clapped her hands together in excitement, "I've always wanted to hear you two sing together."

Santana tilted her head in confusion as she looked at Brittany, "You think I'm going to glee today?"

"Of course." Brittany said her smile slipping as she saw her friend's expression, "You love glee club."

"Britt…" Santana sighed as she tried to ignore the crushed look on her friends face.

"She's right, Santana." Rachel intervened, "You shouldn't have to stop doing something you love because the rest of the club are acting so terribly. I completely understand your reluctance to go back, I myself have thought about boycotting, but the fact is this is out last year together and we should make it count."

Brittany nodded as she looped one of her arms through Santana's, "I know how much you love to sing, please?"

Santana shot her friend's a playful glare as she caved, "Alright, fine I'll go."

"Yay!" Brittany beamed as she bounced up and down, her enthusiasm dampened when Santana added, "But I swear to god if any of them so much as look at me the wrong way, I'm going all Lima Heights."

The other girl nodded her smile widening again as she asked, "Did you guys hear about Sugar's choir?"

"The Troubletones." Rachel supplied a scowl on her face as she added, "It's not exactly a choir there are only three of them."

Santana scoffed, "I bet they aren't at each other's throats all the time."

"Do we have to talk about this?" Rachel asked her voice tinged with sadness that did not go unnoticed by Brittany.

"What's wrong?"

Santana rolled her eyes, "Nothing is wrong Britts-"

"Except someone wants to defect to The Troubletones." Rachel interrupted, earning herself a glare.

"What?"

"I never said I was going to." Santana defended as she kept her gaze focused straight ahead, "I just…I love to perform and it's not like I get to be out front that much, maybe if I was with The Troubletones I'd get my chance. Besides, it might be nice to get away from all the hate for a bit. Why should I stay with a bunch of people who don't want me around?"

Rachel shook her head, "We want you around."

"You could come with me." Santana said casually, she knew deep down that there was no chance of Rachel picking her over the New Directions.

Rachel felt her eyes widen, over the two years she had spent with the New Directions she had more than her fair share of issues with the group and she knew she had threatened to quit multiple times but when it came down to it, "I can't do that Santana. I know they act like jerks sometimes but they are good people and…I could never just leave them like that."

"I know." Santana replied with a smile as she turned to give her friend a reassuring look, "It's okay. Look, I don't even know if I'm going yet so…can we just, not talk about it anymore?"

"Okay." The singer agreed, she could see Brittany nervously chewing on her lip but before the blonde could go into any more detail about the rival group Rachel changed the subject, "So, if it came down to it, zombie apocalypse – where's your safe house?"

"A boat." Brittany replied instantly, her previous worries obviously forgotten for the minute, "Zombies can't swim."

Santana chuckled, "A boat? Where are you going to keep all the food?"

Brittany contemplated the question for a minute, "How about a cruise ship?"

"Who would you get the drive it?" Santana asked, a small frown following, "Wait, do you drive a boat? Pilot? Captain?"

"If we're living in a world where zombie's attack, then I can stretch reality enough to be able to drive a boat." Brittany beamed.

Rachel giggled, "Touché."

"What's with the zombie scenario's any?" the dancer asked, "Did San make you watch all the _Of The Dead_ films? She always makes me watch them and then tries to act like she's not scared-"

Rachel laughed as she playfully slapped Santana's arm, "You said you were cold and that the only reason you were trying to get under my blanket was because I was warm."

"Aw, you snuggled." Brittany giggled.

"You are both ruining my badass-ness." Santana groaned as she tried to hide her grin.

Brittany shrugged, "I think it's time to admit you're kind of a softie…"

"Never." Santana stated firmly, a huge grin on her face as she shook her head, "But enough about me getting my cuddle on, what did you get up to last night?"

Rachel blushed but tried to appear nonchalant as she looked to the dancer who was currently detailing her disastrous date with a fellow dancer the previous evening. She had kind of been expecting some jealously from Brittany over the news of her potentially more than friendly cuddling with Santana but it seemed as though the blonde was taking their newfound friendship in her stride, much as Santana seemed to be taking the news of Brittany's date in hers. It surprised Rachel to see the two so open and accepting about how things had developed but she had given up hope of ever truly understanding how the cheerleader's friendship worked. With a smile on her face Rachel listened as Brittany finished explaining the world's most awkward goodbye kiss.

"So, no second date huh?" Santana quipped as she gave her friend a sympathetic pat on the arm.

Shaking her head Brittany replied, "Not a chance but on the bright side at least he learnt not to try and drink diet coke while eating a mento."

The three girls laughed but as they finally reached the choir room their happy mood was instantly dampened. Santana wished she could simply turn and leave, it wasn't as though she was running away but she knew nothing good was waiting for her on the other side of that door. No matter how optimistic Rachel and Brittany were, or how much she wanted to simply lose herself in the music Santana knew that dealing with the rest of the club was only going to leave her feeling worse.

"Come on." Brittany smiled as she opened the door and took the lead, "We can't stand out here all day, we'll be late."

That was enough of a motivation to get Rachel moving but Santana merely eyed the now open door warily, she stayed with her feet planted to the ground before Rachel reached out to take her hand and pull her in the room after her. Their entrance of course silenced the room and Santana couldn't tell if it was simply their presence or the fact that Rachel was still gripping her hand either way everyone pretty much stopped to glare at her.

"I thought you were taking a break." Finn muttered as he scowled at their joined hands.

Santana gritted her teeth as she found herself stood under the scrutiny of the group, "I changed my mind."

She could see that Finn was about to say something back but Rachel cut him off, "Can we please get through one day without fighting?"

Most of the choir nodded as they looked at the two girls and it was Mercedes who answered, "Yeah I think-"

The diva's sentence was cut short as Finn shot up from his chair, standing between the New Directions and Santana and Rachel he gestured angrily, "We're not trying to fight here Rach, we just want you to see what's going on here. Santana is using you."

"If you're going to start on this again then we're leaving." Rachel said, her shoulders tense as she clasped the cheerleaders hand.

Artie shook his head as he added, "It's true I mean…Can you really be sure she's not working for Sue? Or…"

"Or?" Santana prompted angrily.

"Maybe you're on Shelby's side." Artie replied, his eyes lighting up as though he'd finally worked out the missing piece to the puzzle, "That's it, Rachel I know Shelby's your birth Mom but I mean, she's a nationally ranked Coach who would do anything to win…"

Rachel frowned and she was about to snap back when she remembered Santana's earlier words, _you could come with me._ Letting go of the other girl's hand she slowly turned to look at her friend, she didn't want to believe it and she didn't, not really, but that niggling voice in the back of her head would not be silenced.

Santana took a deep breath as she caught Rachel's eye, it only took a second for her to know what the singer was thinking, "Rachel I am not-"

"How do we know it's not Rachel that's the one with the master plan?" Puck piped up as he looked between the warring parties.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Santana snapped, her loyalty automatically kicking in to defend the small girl.

"I'm only saying that Rachel knows our best chance to win Nationals this year is if everyone is on board. She knows about Shelby's choir, she knows they're going to be looking for new members…" Puck trailed off as he shrugged, "You know what they say, keep your friends close…"

Kurt frowned as he mumbled, "You did say you'd do anything to win this year…"

"This is not about Rachel!" Finn growled, obviously peeved the group were starting to turn against his ex-girlfriend as well. He couldn't believe the tables had turned so easily but casting a look at the two girl's he realised it didn't really matter who had planned what, as long as Rachel stayed with the New Directions. If she stayed not only did they have an infinitely better chance at winning Nationals but he had a much better chance of them getting back together, "But I mean it is strange, you told me that you could never forgive Santana."

"I did not say that-"

Santana blanched at the accusations suddenly flooding towards Rachel, her mind racing as she fought to keep her perspective. Rachel hadn't known about The Troubletones until recently, they had spent time together before school had even started so she couldn't have been planning it could she? But then again, maybe Shelby's group didn't matter maybe Rachel had just been trying to keep her close anyway so she wouldn't mess things up for them this year.

"Is that why you invited her to the party?" Quinn asked with a frown, a look of disbelief on her face as she added "Is that why you went after her?"

"No." Rachel shouted her eyes focused on Santana. She could see the panic edging across the cheerleaders face and she needed her to trust that she hadn't been planning anything. She knew it wouldn't take much for Santana's insecurities to outweigh reason and as the club continued to stare accusingly at her Rachel knew she was fast running out of time.

Before the singer could say anything else though Santana murmured, "Is…Is that why you were so against me leaving? You didn't want me to go to The Troubletones, you wanted me to stay here…I thought you wanted me here but…"

"It is not like that." Rachel said adamantly, her voice pleading as she continued, "You have to believe me."

"But you made me come back here after everything, even when I said I didn't want to. I came for you…" Santana replied, her voice shaking as she felt her insecurities rising up and clouding her judgement.

Rachel shook her head as she raked her hand through her hair, she cast Brittany a worried look and she could see the surprise in the rest of the club's faces. They had obviously been expecting Santana to explode with rage like she normally did but the crushed look on the cheerleader's face was a far cry from her usual demeanour, reaching her hand out to take one of her friends she tried, "Please Santana…"

"No." the cheerleader snapped as she quickly pulled her hand away and stepped back.

"Please, honey listen to her-" Brittany tried only to be cut off by her devastated friend.

Santana shook her head as she fought to keep in control of her emotions. Rachel had been the first person she had trusted in such a long time, she had told her everything. She wanted to be angry, she wanted to shout and scream but the only thing she could do was fight back the overwhelming urge to cry. She knew everyone was watching her but she couldn't bring herself to care as she managed to look at Rachel, her heart-breaking as her voice strained, "You promised me, you fucking promised me that you weren't trying to trick me…that you weren't using me. I thought you were different, how could you do this to me?"

Rachel didn't hold back her tears as she watched her friend crumble before her eyes.

"Do you hate me that much? God, I'm so fucking stupid; of course you do. You're just like everyone else." Santana said as she bit her lip, "I told you everything, everything, and this whole time you were just laughing at me!"

"Santana, no." Rachel begged as she quickly stepped forward to try and comfort her friend but she knew it was too late. The cheerleader was already moving backward, her eyes trained on the ground as she ignored the stunned looks on the rest of the clubs faces.

The classroom door swung open as Mr Schue paraded into the room, his chirpy smile disappearing the instant his eyes fell on the students splayed around the room. Setting his sheet music on the piano the teacher looked between Rachel and an uncharacteristically upset Santana, "Would someone like to tell me what's going on?"

Santana shook her head as she made a sudden move for the door; no one really had time to react before she had bolted from the room leaving a tense silence in her absence. Rachel paused, her mind already sprinting down the hallway after the other girl she couldn't bring herself to leave and let her so called friends off the hook.

"Anyone?" Mr Schue tried again, his displeased sigh cut short as he realised Rachel was curling her hands into fists at her side.

"Do you have any idea what you've done?" the singer exploded, her face contorting with rage as she glared at the group.

Finn looked sheepish as he sat back down in his seat, his previous self-righteousness deflating under the small girl's anger he shot Artie an embarrassed look before staring at the floor. The rest of the group seemed to mirror his action as they too looked solemnly at the tiles beneath their feet. None of them had ever seen either girl react the way they had and it didn't take a genius to work out they had crossed a line and probably into territory they knew nothing about.

"We have to find her." Brittany said quietly as she moved towards Rachel, "Do you have your car?"

"Come on, she's just being a drama queen." Artie tried to reason as he shifted guiltily in his chair.

"You need to shut your mouth." Rachel growled as she fought to hold back her temper, "You don't know anything her so you don't get to talk about her like that, understood?"

Artie swallowed hard as he nodded and resorted to staring down at his hands.

"Do you have you car?" Brittany repeated a proud glint in her eye as she looked to the diva.

Rachel shook her head, she had let Santana drive them in that morning and without their own means of transportation she didn't give them much of a chance of finding the other girl. She figured they could walk to her house and pick up her car but every second that passed was one that Santana would be using to inevitably convince herself that she had been tricked.

"I have mine." A voice piped up as a set of feet came trotting over to the girls, "I'll drive you."

"Why would you want to help Quinn?" Rachel spat as she clenched her jaw.

Quinn didn't stop as she ushered the two girls ahead of her, "We can stand here and debate it or we can go and find Santana, it's up to you."

Not stopping to explain anything to a confused Mr Schue Rachel grabbed Brittany's arm and began dragging her down the hallway after Quinn, she wanted to question the other girls motives further but right now she was more focused on finding Santana.

As they scrambled down the front steps and out across the parking lot Brittany said, "I know you didn't do anything wrong Rachel, I can't believe they would say that."

"Thanks." The diva mumbled, her heart sinking as she wished Santana would have believed her innocence as easily.

"Santana will believe you too." The dancer added, as if able to read Rachel's thoughts, "She just…she has a hard time trusting people, you know? It's easier for her to believe people are using her for something than that they actually like her."

Rachel smiled sadly as the three got into Quinn's car, taking the passenger seat the diva clipped her seatbelt in as Quinn hit the ignition. It hurt her more than she was willing to admit that Santana would believe the lies after she had trusted the other girl wasn't plotting against her but she knew it was as start forward as that.

"We should try the park first." Brittany said as they pulled out of the parking lot and onto the main road, "She likes to go to there when she's sad."

Quinn gave a small nod to indicate she'd heard but she stayed quiet, choosing instead to focus on her driving as she navigated the car towards its destination. Rachel wondered how much the two girls knew about Santana's life, she knew that the three had been friends for a while but she wasn't exactly sure how the unholy trinity worked. With Brittany and Santana it had been obvious to anyone who cared to see that they we're close but with Quinn and Santana it seemed to change inexplicably from one week to the next, they went from outright fighting to frenemies to friends and back again just as quick.

"She came here every day for a fortnight after her sister's funeral." Brittany said quietly. "She said it always helped clear her head."

Rachel saw Quinn give a sad smile as she pulled the car into a space near the park gates, "She actually dragged me here when I first found out I was pregnant. We didn't say much, I mean we were…it helped though. I came here a lot that year."

As the three got out of the car and made the way over to the small path at the entrance way it was Rachel who stated, "She'll be by the pond."

She missed the knowing smiles the two blondes shot her way as they followed her lead; she was too focused on finding her friend to see the tiny nudge Brittany gave Quinn as the blondes fell into step.

The park itself didn't cover much of an area, there was a small wooded area to one side and a pretty big playground set next to a winding path. The three girls moved in unison as they followed the path that led to the pond, an equally unimpressive expanse of water that was rarely visited by anyone other than joggers and dog walkers. Rachel figured Santana had picked it for that specific reason, Lima was such a small town that it was next to impossible to get away from crowds of people where you were bound to end up knowing at least one person. This park had been all but forgotten about since a newer and much better park had been built on the other side of town, with its adventure trails and picnic areas it attracted a lot more attention than its predecessor.

"I think I see her." Quinn said quietly as she slowed her pace and gestured to a tree by the pond.

Rachel followed the blondes line of sight and sure enough, sitting with her back against the trunk was Santana. Taking a deep breath the singer was about to make her way over when she realised her two companions had stopped, "Are you coming?"

Quinn looked to the floor as Brittany shook her head, "It's you she needs to talk to."

Rachel bit her lip as she thought for a moment, shaking her head she replied, "Maybe but she needs to know that you're here for her too."

"Are you sure?" Quinn asked hesitantly as she shifted nervously from foot to foot.

"She's right." Brittany agreed, her face setting determinedly as she looked at her friend in the distance, "She needs us. All of us."

Rachel smiled as she turned and began to make her way over to Santana, this time with Brittany and Quinn following closely behind. The nearer she got to Santana though, the more nervous she became. Normally she had no problem delivering encouraging speeches or motivational words but her mind fell blank as her feet propelled her towards her friend. She was only a few feet away when Santana looked up; her eyes bloodshot from crying were now heavy and pained as she glared at the three approaching girls.

"Hey." Rachel whispered, cringing at her less than seller opening.

Santana whipped her head back around to stare blankly at the pond, "I don't want to talk to you, any of you. Go away."

Rachel heard Brittany sigh but undeterred the singer moved forward to sit down, keeping a slight distance from Santana she was aware of the two blondes still lingering behind her but she didn't spare much of a thought to it, "Please, will you at least let me explain?"

"You don't need to explain anything." Santana spat as she crossed her arms and pulled her knees tightly against her body.

"Santana…"

"No, look I get it alright? You needed to make sure I wasn't going to do anything to jeopardise the clubs chances of winning Nationals this year and you figured the best way to do that was if we were friends." The cheerleader stated, her shoulder tense as she refused to look at Rachel, "You saw an opportunity and you took it."

"Santana-" the diva tried again, her forceful tone not even getting Santana to hesitate as she ploughed on her mind already overloading with horrible scenarios.

"Did you tell everyone how pathetic I am? I know how much everyone likes to rag on how much of a mess I am, you probably got a lot of jokes out of everything I told you-"

"Stop."

"Poor Santana, even her parents don't love her."

Rachel practically heard Quinn and Brittany recoil at the harshness of the statement and she knew they were both desperate to come up with something supportive to say. As she saw Santana about to launch into another rant Rachel took a deep breath and with renewed determination she leant forward and clasped one of Santana's hands in her own, "That is enough. Stop."

Santana blinked in surprise, her jaw tightening in anger as she glanced down at their intertwined hands.

Rachel breathed a small sigh of relief as she collected her thoughts, she had hoped she would be able to calm her friend down long enough to plead her case but she didn't think it would be as quick as that, "Do you really think so little of me that you think I would fake everything that's happened between us?"

"I…" Santana started, her words failing her as she looked down at the grass by her feet. It sounded pretty ridiculous when Rachel said it like that.

"The other day you asked me if I thought this was one of your schemes and I was completely honest with you when I told you that I never doubted you. I trust you." Rachel continued, her thumb running soothing circles against the tan hand beneath hers, "Now, I'm asking you to trust me."

Closing her eyes as she bowed her head Santana remained silent.

Rachel bit her lip as she stared at the girl in front of her, "I know it's somehow easier for you believe that I'm in this for my own benefit, I know you think that pretty much everyone is out to get something from you but I promise you, I just want to be with you. I want to spend time with you; I want to watch go to carnivals and watched stupid zombie movies on cable when we should be sleeping. I want to learn what _hijo de puta _means since you seem to enjoying saying it so much. I want to eat cereal and watch cartoons together and argue over who gets to choose the music in the car. Most of all I just, I want you believe me. Please."

Santana opened her eyes as she slowly turned her head to lock eyes with her friend, she made no attempt to hide the way they watered as she mumbled, "But I don't get it."

"What don't you get?"

Shaking her head the cheerleader sighed, "Why the hell do you even want to be around me? You should hate me, why don't you hate me?"

"Santana…"

Snatching her hand away the cheerleader wiped angrily at the tears rolling down her cheeks, "I've been nothing but a bitch to you since kindergarten-"

"That is not true." Rachel said quickly as she held up a hand to abruptly stop the other girl's self-deprecating rant.

Santana rolled her eyes as she realised what Rachel was alluding to, "Sharing my sandwich with you, one time, does not count."

"It did to me." The diva replied softly.

_The first day of kindergarten had been nothing like Rachel had expected. When she had gotten up that morning and carefully packed her backpack with all the school supplies she had begged her Daddy to buy for her she had a very clear idea of how her day would be. None of her daydreams had involved being forced to sit on a table full of boys who ignored her or having a strange little girl accuse her of stealing her crayons. She hadn't expected her teacher to take a sudden dislike to her or to accidently trip over one of the bean bags so poorly arranged in the corner of the small room and she definitely hadn't expected to be sitting all alone on an increasingly uncomfortable chair in the lunch room while all the other children were talking animatedly around her._

_Letting out a small sigh Rachel reached into her backpack and rummaged around for her lunchbox. Her Daddy had let her choose a special one with a big gold star on the front and she had watched that morning as her Dad made and wrapped her favourite peanut butter and jelly sandwich for her to take. Opening her bag the tiny girl frowned, amongst her crayons and paper where her lunch should have been was an empty space. Just as she could feel tears beginning to prick her eyes a tiny shadow feel over her table and whipping her eyes up Rachel half expected one of the mean boys from earlier to be hovering over her. Instead she was met with the nervous smile of a girl she recognised from her class. _

"_Hello." Rachel said a polite smile on her face as she looked at the stranger._

_The newcomer offered a tiny wave in response as she eyed up the spare chair next to Rachel._

"_Do you want to sit down?" Rachel asked, her eyes narrowing in confusion at the silence. When the small girl nodded Rachel quickly cleared her bag off the table and watched as the stranger carefully sat down._

_Shooting Rachel a smile the girl pulled her lunchbox from her bag and busied herself organising her lunch. _

_Rachel watched as she pulled out a sandwich, a carton of some type of juice and a candy bar. She could feel her stomach grumbling but stayed still as the quiet girl began unwrapping her sandwich; it struck the young girl then that she had yet to introduce herself. Her Daddies always said it was important to make a good first impression, "I'm Rachel by the way, Rachel Barbra Berry. It's nice to meet you."_

_The girl frowned and looked at Rachel for a moment as if she was processing something then slowly she smiled and with a little shrug she pointed to herself, "Santana."_

_Rachel beamed, her little hands almost clapping together at the prospect of having made her very first friend. She saw Santana eyeing the empty space where her lunch should have been and with a sheepish grin she quickly mumbled, "I forgot my lunchbox, my Daddy made my favourite but I must have left it on the table when I was reorganising my things."_

_Santana frowned again, the same confused look passing over her features as she stared at the little girl. Looking down at her food and then over to Rachel she whispered, "Lunch?"_

_Rachel shook her head, "No, I just said that…oh." Stopping short the little girl realised why her new friend seemed so quiet, picking up her bag she popped it down on the table and opening it up she displayed its empty contents, "No lunch."_

_Santana bit her lip as she looked down at her sandwich, making a quick decision she picked it up and separating the two halves she shoved one in the other girls direction, "Here."_

"_Oh, I…I couldn't possibly…" Rachel stammered, her answer getting little more than an insistent smile from the other girl she carefully took the food, "Thank you."_

"_De nada." Santana replied her gaze falling as she cleared her throat awkwardly, "I…You are welcome." _

With an audible sigh Santana twisted her body to face Rachel, "We barely even spoke after that."

"Well, to be fair you didn't really speak to anyone for a long time." Rachel countered, "I will always remember the day we met and the little girl I met that day, however briefly, is the reason I know that you are a good person." Rachel said softly as she dipped her head to catch Santana's eye, "You were kind and selfless when the only thing you really knew about me was my name."

"Rach…"

"No." the diva said firmly, "Whatever has happened between us since then, I always knew that the Santana I had seen was still there and that whatever had happened to make you so…so angry, it never changed who you are."

"Who I am, is a bitch." Santana muttered.

Rachel shook her head as she lifted her hand to cup her friend's cheek, "The girl who tosses slushies and insults everyone, the girl who pretends to only care about her reputation is a bitch. But that is not you, I've seen you Santana and you are nothing like the girl you let everyone else think you are."

"I'm not a good person-"

"The stuffed frog that sits on my bed begs to differ." Rachel argued, a smile tugging at her features as she heard Brittany's voice echo her own.

"My straight _A's_ in Spanish do too." The dancer piped up as she knelt down next to Rachel, "And Math and Biology."

Quinn faltered as she hovered next to Brittany, "And…and that little scar on your left knuckle where you punched that guy in our freshman year for not taking no as an answer..."

Santana's eyes snapped up to meet the blondes, her jaw clenched angrily as she growled, "I will never let anyone put their hands on you like that. Ever."

"And that's why I want you in my life." Rachel stated fiercely, "You're smart, you're caring and you would do anything to protect your friends."

"Apart from trust them." Santana muttered as her shoulders slumped.

"I understand why this is hard for you and while I can't lie and say it doesn't hurt that you would believe those guys over me I can tell you that I would gladly spend an hour every day telling you how awesome you are if it meant I got to spend time with you." Rachel stated her spirits lifting as she saw Santana begin to smile.

With a shake of her head Santana mumbled, "You'd actually do that, huh?"

"You know I would." Rachel beamed as she shifted closer to her friend and joked, "If only to treat you to the sound of my marvellous voice."

Lifting her head to look at Rachel she frowned, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have…I'm kind of used to expecting the worst from people, I don't have a great track record y'know? People are always using me for something and…I shouldn't have expected the same from you. You've been nothing but supportive and I just, it's hard to see why you want me around."

"You don't have to apologise." Rachel assured as she reached out to take her friend's hand, "Just trust me when I say you're one of the best people in my life."

"And mine." Brittany smiled, "But don't tell Lord Tubbington, he has jealously issues."

Santana laughed softly as she looked to her friends, her eyes dropping as she mumbled, "I can't go back there you know."

"I know." Rachel nodded sadly, the thought of not seeing Santana in glee club anymore made her chest ache and she could feel the sadness rolling off Brittany, "The Troubletones will be lucky to have you."

Santana sighed, she really didn't want to give up on the New Directions, after all it was her closest daily link to Rachel and part of her was afraid that if she didn't have that then she would lose her friend. After all, she was join the rival group.

"Hey…" Rachel said, her arm nudging Santana's as she saw her friend frown, "If Kurt can join The Warblers then you can join The Troubletones, you're not getting rid of me, or us, that easily okay?"

Santana didn't get a chance to reply as she felt a second body quickly envelope her and she grinned as she heard Brittany's cheerful _group hug_, closely followed by the weight of Quinn being more than likely tugged on top of the pile.


	13. Chapter 13

It was a little bit like world war three, if war involved sequins or hairspray and Santana almost smiled at the idea of Rachel concocting a glitter based flame thrower. Almost. Instead she found herself rolling her eyes for what felt like the millionth time as she watched Mr Schuster and the New Directions squaring off against a confused Miss Corcoran and the newly formed Trouble Tones.

"You can't just come in here and steal our members Shelby!" Mr Schue shouted as he threw his arms up in exasperation.

Shelby raised an eyebrow as she calmly mused, "That is what you invited us here to talk about? And here I was thinking we could discuss an auditorium schedule."

Santana did smile at that, her respect for the woman sky rocketing as she coolly dealt with Mr Schue's outburst. She didn't really know how the situation had kicked off, one minute she had been approaching Miss Corcoran about maybe joining her group and the next minute Tina had arrived saying the Trouble Tones were needed in the choir room. It didn't take a genius to work out why the new group were being summoned and so Santana had tagged along, her suspicions confirmed the minute they entered the room.

"This is not a joke." Will objected, "You-"

"Oh believe me, I know. I take my show choirs very seriously. I have a room full of trophies to prove it." Shelby countered, "And while standing here and childishly bickering with you would also be a great way to prove my professionalism I'm going to stop you right there."

Santana wondered for a second if Mr Schue's eyes were about to fall out of his head and stifling a chuckle she waited for Shelby to continue.

"I am not stealing anyone." The older woman explained, "If Santana choses to join The Trouble Tones that is her choice to make, granted myself and the rest of the girls would be thrilled to have her on board but we did not steal her. She isn't a piece of equipment to be taken she has her own mind and she can make her own decisions."

Will stuttered, "I-I know…"

"Good." Shelby confirmed, "Because it is highly inappropriate that-"

A timid knock on the door barely sounded through the room and it was only the click of heels on the tiled floor that drew everyone's attention and halted Miss Corcoran's displeasure. Miss Pillsbury had never been the most authoritative person but walking into the middle of the warzone with her wide-eyed terrified expression silenced the room. Everyone knew that face only meant one thing; bad news.

"I was wondering…I need to have a word with-" it was as though the room were collectively holding their breath in the millisecond before Miss Pillsbury breathed, "-Santana."

Santana could feel everyone's eyes snap in her direction but the gaze of so many people didn't even register on her radar as she stared anxiously at the guidance counsellor. The last time a teacher had looked at her the way Miss Pillsbury was doing right now was after Yara-

"What happened?"

Miss Pillsbury winced, her hand extended forward she gestured for the young girl to follow her somewhere less public. She wasn't surprised when Santana quickly strode across the room but she didn't expect the cheerleader to stop her at the door.

"Tell me what happened."

Emma paused, her eyes peering back into the choir room she knew the others were eavesdropping but the insistent look on Santana's face told her she wasn't willing to wait to be dragged back to the seclusion of the guidance office, "I received a call from the hospital, it's about your Mom."

Santana blinked, her eyes dropping to the floor she waited for the woman to continue.

"She…they think that she may have taken an overdose. One of your neighbours found her and called an ambulance-"

Santana barely heard the rest of Miss Pillsbury's explanation, her mind was already reeling and the only thing she could think off came out as a panicked whisper, "But she's okay, right? I mean…she failed."

"She's in the hospital." Miss Pillsbury confirmed, "They are taking good care of her and the doctors say that she's recovering well."

"I…I don't…" Santana exhaled, her heart still thumping wildly in her chest as she raked a hair through her hair. She could feel the panic subsiding but after that it was as though her brain had shut down, "I don't know what to do."

"Santana, what's wrong? What's happened?"

The sound of Rachel's voice invading her scattered thoughts was enough to at least temporarily halt her brain from completely shutting down , the feel of the singer's hand on her arm giving her new focus as she turned to her friend, "My Mom's in hospital she-she tried to kill herself."

Rachel hesitated, part of her brain clamping down on the horror of the situation and another part solely on the heartbroken look on Santana's face_. _The singer almost had to physically shake her head in an attempt to collect herself but she knew with one look at her friend what she needed to do, "Did you drive to school today?"

Santana nodded despondently, she had a vague memory of driving but not where she parked or even where her keys were.

"Okay." Rachel exhaled her hand dropping to link with one of Santana's, "We're going to leave your car here for tonight and I'm going to drive you to the hospital okay?"

The cheerleader nodded again her mind numb as she allowed Rachel to gently tug her forwards; she barely registered Miss Pillsbury saying something as they walked passed. It wasn't until Rachel was pulling the car out of the parking lot that Santana was aware of anything.

"Wait." Santana whispered her eyes panicked as she looked to her friend, "I have to change."

Rachel frowned as she carefully slowed down to stop at a red light.

"I just…I can't go there like this…" Santana explained as she gestured down to her red and white cheerleading uniform her hands shaking, "I can't…I-It's not right, it's stupid – a cheerleader at a hospital? I can't see my Mom like this, I can't-"

Reaching a hand out to clasp one of Santana's that had started to tap anxiously against the passenger seat Rachel nodded, she could sense the panic attack creeping up on her friend so with a calm smile she replied, "I have a sweater in the back, you can borrow it if you want to."

"Okay." Santana breathed, her eyebrows scrunching together as she leant into the backseat to retrieve the sweater, "I should get flowers, I think. People take flowers right?"

"There's a florist at the hospital we can pick some up there if you'd like." Rachel soothed as she pulled the car away from the stop light.

Although the hospital was only a short drive from the school it felt like a lifetime and it took all of Rachel's concentration to focus on the road and not the girl next to her. She could feel the way Santana's hand was shaking in hers but somehow Rachel managed to manoeuvre the car through the thankfully quiet streets until the looming presence of the hospital appeared in front of them doing nothing calm either of their nerves.

"We're here." Rachel stated, aware of how unnecessary the words were but needing to break the quiet. Unbuckling her seatbelt she got out of the car and made her way around to the passenger side. Santana had yet to move and so Rachel took it upon herself to open the door, crouching down slightly she willed her friend to look at her, "You can do this Santana. I'm right here."

Santana nodded as she slowly undid her own seatbelt and allowed Rachel to help her out of the car, quickly slipping on the borrowed sweater she didn't hesitate to grab the diva's hand again as they made their way towards the hospital. As each step brought them closer and closer Santana could feel herself behind to shake with renewed fear, "I…I'm scared."

Rachel bit her lip as she turned to look at her friend, "I know but you're doing really well and I'm not going anywhere okay?"

"Okay." The cheerleader whispered as they passed through the entrance doors and headed to the reception desk, "Don't let go."

The hospital was loud and bustling, a stark contrast to the journey over but approaching the desk Santana spotted a small, elderly woman sat tapping away at her computer, it only took a few seconds for the receptionist to register the newcomers and with a welcoming smile she looked up, "Hello, how I can I help?"

Staring at the kindly receptionist Santana froze her mind at a loss for words. What was she supposed to say? Her palms suddenly felt sweaty and when her mouth opened to speak she couldn't seem to force the words out.

"Hello, we're here to see Marianna Lopez." Rachel piped up as she felt her friend tense, "She's was brought in earlier today."

"Okay. Are you relatives?" the woman queried as she turned to her computer and typed something in.

"This is her daughter, Santana Lopez."

"I see." The receptionist smiled her mood dropping slightly as she obviously read something from her screen, "It looks as though your Mother has been placed in ward six, if you take the elevator to the third floor and follow the signs towards the psychiatric unit you'll be able to find someone who can help you."

Santana grimaced but managed to mumble her thanks as she felt Rachel tug her away from the desk. She had never been more thankful to have the other girl by her side as she allowed her friend to guide her through the hospital and to where they needed to be, the feeling of her fingers intertwined with the singers was the only thing keeping her grounded.

"We're here." Rachel announced as she brought them to a stop by another almost identical desk, "Do you want me to ask?"

Santana shrugged, she hated feeling so useless but it was as though every time she tried to form a thought her mind short circuited.

"Santana?"

A voice from behind her made the cheerleader jump and turning on her heel she faltered as she was forced to let go of Rachel's hand, only to feel the singer turn with her and reached out to re-join their hands.

"Papi?" Santana whispered in disbelief, her eyes roaming across her father's face as if waiting for him to disappear. It was only now that he was standing in front of her that it hit her, "You didn't call me."

"I had the hospital notify your school." Mr Lopez reasoned as he gripped the chart he was holding in both hands.

Santana looked down as she frowned, it hadn't seemed so strange at first – that it had been Miss Pillsbury to break the news to her, but now standing in the psychiatric ward opposite her obviously uncomfortable father it hit her hard. Swallowing back the lump that had formed in her throat she whispered, "Is she awake? Can I see her?"

The simple questions seemed to snap the older man from his discomfort and into his well-practised doctor mode, "She's resting now, your mother ingested a large number of high strength painkillers and although we were lucky and the paramedics were able to get her here quickly she is still weak. She needs time to rest and recuperate, it might be best for you to come back another time."

"But…I want to see her. Can I at least see her?" Santana tried again, her eyes watering as she fought to maintain her composure.

"She isn't awake." Dr Lopez sighed as he shook his head, "I can assure you she has the best team looking after her, and she's going to be fine. I spoke to Dr Buzan and he said that there's no lasting physical damage but they are looking at keeping her here for a little while so you'll have plenty of time to-"

"Keeping her here?" Santana repeated her voice strained as she added "You mean…here, in the psych ward?"

"She needs help and this is the best place for her." Dr Lopez stated, his formal tone leaving no room for discussion, "I'm needed back down in the ER, perhaps you should come back tomorrow when she is awake."

Santana nodded, her shoulders slumped as she looked up at her father. She knew what he was doing, hiding behind his medical bravado and making her and her Mother another patient file so he wouldn't have to peak out from behind the walls he'd spent the past years building up but knowing that didn't make it any easier. She needed her Dad, not a doctor, she needed him to hug her and tell her everything was going to be okay and that this, this was the turning point and that there wasn't any more rock bottom to hit. Instead she watched him clutching that stupid chart in one hand as he stuffed the other into his pocket. Taking a shaky breath Santana whispered, "Are you…do you have to work tonight?"

"I already told you I'm needed downstairs." Dr Lopez replied as he did his best to avoid eye contact with his daughter.

"It's just…I…I need you-"

The sound of a pager echoed through the hallway and with an almost relived glint in his eye Santana's father snatched his pager from his belt, "I have to go. I'll be sure to keep an eye on her and I'll get someone to call if anything happens okay?"

"Okay." Santana shrugged, her words lost on the man as he turned and quickly sped off down the now bustling hallway. She watched him for as long as she could, until a swarm of people in scrubs obscured her view and she lost him among the other doctors.

"Santana?" Rachel murmured, her hand tightening around the other girls, "Are you-?"

"I'm fine." Santana interrupted, her words short and clipped, "It's fine, it's better that he's here. He can check up on her and then there's always someone here for her. It's fine."

Rachel frowned as she turned to look at her friend, she still couldn't believe what had happened and seeing the way Santana had reacted only made her heart ache more, "Sweetie-"

"Can you drive me back to my house please?" Santana instructed, her eyes lingering on the wall behind Rachel's head rather than the girl herself, "I think…I'll come back tomorrow."

"Are you sure? You are more than welcome to stay at my house tonight." Rachel tried as she felt Santana impatiently tugging her towards the elevator, her urgency to leave propelling them through the other people walking around, "I don't think you should be alone right now."

Santana winced at the words, her heart heavy as she remembered the big empty house waiting for her, "I need to be alone Rachel, I…please, just drive me home."

Rachel stayed quiet as she clung to Santana and let her weave them in and out of various people until they were back and sat in her car. She couldn't shake the image of Doctor Lopez from her head, the way he treated his own daughter like a stranger, the way he avoiding looking at either of them and the way he chose work over his disintegrating family. Sliding into the car and flicking the ignition on Rachel steered the car out of the parking lot and back towards town, she found herself shooting constant glances in Santana's direction but the other girl had chosen to stare blankly out the window her hands folded together on her lap as she watched the houses fly by.

Pulling up to the next junction Rachel tried again, "I know you said you wanted to be by yourself Santana but I really don't think-"

"I meant it." Santana stated her gaze still focused away from her friend, "Take me to my house."

Rachel shook her head but reluctantly indicated left even as her brain was screaming at her to go right, she only had a few more streets until Santana's house and she had no idea how to make her friend change her mind.

"He might…he might come home tonight. I know he said that he had to work but…" Santana whispered finally as Rachel slowed the car to a stop outside the Lopez residence, "I need to be here if he changes his mind."

Rachel sighed; she didn't know how to argue with that. She couldn't crush Santana and tell her that her father seemed intent on not being there for her but it didn't feel right letting her friend cling to false hope that he might have a change of heart, "You could leave him a note in case he does come back? Tell him you're staying with me then he can call you and I'll drive you straight over."

"No, I have to be here." Santana replied, her eyes finally turning to her friend as she whispered, "But thank you for coming with me. I know this is a lot to deal with and I'm sorry you had to…"

"Hey, it's okay." Rachel replied as the other girl trailed off sadly, "I already told you, I'm here for you no matter what so don't worry about it alright? Do you…I could stay with you."

Santana gave a quick smile before opening the door and getting out of the car, "I'll be fine."

"You know I'm going to call you tonight." Rachel half-shouted to her friend before the door could slam shut, "And text and Facebook and tweet and…send pigeons or learn smoke signals."

"No singing telegrams?" Santana quipped as she leant her arm against the door and ducked her head down to smile at Rachel.

"Well of course, that's a given." Rachel chuckled as she leant across in her seat, "But seriously, I'm calling you the second I get home."

Santana smiled as she stepped back, "Then go, I'll be fine."

Hearing the door slam shut Rachel watched as Santana slowly made her way up the path and towards her front door. Even after the other girl had shot her a half-hearted wave and disappeared inside Rachel still hesitated before pulling away from the curb, her teeth gnawing nervously on her bottom lip as she prayed she wasn't making a terrible mistake.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N – I wanted to give a massive thanks to everyone who has been reviewing/alerting, it's really given me the kick I needed to focus on writing again. I had a bit of a stumble for a while and lost all my words but I feel back on track now, so thank you!**

**I am throwing a lot at Santana and I do love the angst-factor, I'm covering a lot of ground here and there are going to be ups and downs and hopefully I do everything justice. I will be delving more into Santana's parents and their side of things too as well as the main focus on Pezberry.**

**And enough of my babbling…**

"Sweetie, will you at least sit down? You're starting to make me dizzy."

Rachel let out a loud huff as she continued to pace back and forth across the kitchen, her eyes barely meeting her fathers in a scowl before flicking back to the phone clutched in her hand. True to her word the second Rachel had stepped foot in her house she had been dialling Santana's number to check up on her but apart from that one very short conversation and a brief s_top it I said I was okay _ text Rachel had little else to ease her worries.

"I'm sure she's fine." Hiram tried again, his eyes following his daughter's circular loop around the kitchen, "You did the right thing."

"Did I?" Rachel asked, a hint of desperation sneaking into her question as she kept moving, "It doesn't feel like I did."

Hiram sighed already well aware that his daughter was too preoccupied to listen to him, "She asked you to give her space and you did. She knows you're here for her and I'm sure the multiple voicemails you've left for her prove that."

"But I should have stayed with her." Rachel snapped as she came to a stop and almost slammed her hands down on the kitchen table, "I should have stayed."

"Sweetie-"

Hiram's words were lost on his daughter as Rachel swiftly shook her head; ever since she had pulled away from the Lopez house she hadn't been able to shake the guilty feeling that she was abandoning her friend when she needed her most, "I'm going over there."

Hiram knew it was pointless to argue and if he was honest with himself he had no intention of talking Rachel out of her sudden decision, having listened to Rachel's recollection of events he had been half-inclined to drive to the Lopez house himself, "Your keys are on the hook."

Rachel simply nodded as she quickly scurried out of the kitchen, checking her watch she saw that it had only been and little over and hour since she had dropped Santana home and but over forty-five minutes since she had received her text. It didn't matter though, either way it still felt like an eternity to the singer and she barely managed to pull on her jacket as she wrenched open the door and hurried outside.

With her head dipped down as she fumbled with her keys she didn't see the girl hovering by her car and letting out a tiny yelp she slammed into Santana.

"Holy Streisand!" Rachel jumped as she looked up, her shock instantly melting to relief as she wrapped her arms around the taller girl, "You scared me."

Santana offered her friend an apologetic smile as she edged her way out of the hug, "Sorry, it's just…turns out I didn't want to stay by myself but I-…you're obviously going somewhere I didn't mean to-"

"I was coming to get you!" Rachel stated as she bent down to pick up the bag sitting at Santana's feet, "You saved me a drive, now get your butt inside. Have you eaten yet?"

Santana shook her head as she followed Rachel back into the house, she hadn't even thought about food but now it had been mentioned she realised how hungry she was.

"Breadsticks?" Rachel asked interpreting the grimace on the other girls face as a solid no.

"Yeah that sounds-" Santana began, only to find her sentence cut off as Rachel's Dad appeared from the kitchen.

Hiram shuffled forward awkwardly, his hands twisting together nervously he smiled down at the two girls, "I'm glad you changed your mind Santana."

"I hope you don't mind." Rachel said quickly, "I-I told him what happened."

Santana shrugged, she figured the least she owed the man was an explanation if she was going to be staying in his house, "Its fine."

"Well, I'll leave you girls to it." Hiram smiled though as he edged passed the girls he hesitated. He wished he knew what the hell he was supposed to do or say, Leroy had always been better than him at dealing with sensitive subjects and he was glad that their daughter had taken after his husband, "If you need anything I'll be in the study."

"Thanks Dad." Rachel acknowledged, she could see the discomfort written all over her father as he hurriedly shuffled down the hallway. Watching him shut the door to the study behind him Rachel turned back to Santana, "I'm guessing you have the Breadsticks menu memorised right?"

"Do you even have to ask?"

Rachel grinned as she grabbed the phone and looked to Santana, "Number?"

Reciting the digits Santana perched on one of the chairs surrounding the dinner table and watched as Rachel waited for an answer. It seemed so surreal to be sitting in the Berry kitchen and ordering take out because she couldn't help but feel like her life was simultaneously falling apart and being pieced back together. Her Mom was in hospital, her Dad was avoiding her but she wasn't alone. She wasn't out drinking or trying to find someone to sleep with, she didn't have to lie to Brittany and pretend she was okay or suffer through an evening of awkward conversation with Quinn.

"Santana." Rachel staged whispered, her hand clamped over the receiver as she waved the other in her friends direction, "What do you want? Please don't say a wheelbarrow of Breadsticks."

Santana chuckled as she stood up and hovered next to the other girl, she could just about make out the voice on the other end of the line impatiently repeating his question, "Lasagne."

"Alright, alright." Rachel grumbled down the phone at the ever helpful man, "One lasagne and…do you guys still have those meatless-meatballs the ones that-"

"They stopped those two weeks ago." Santana answered, "Try the sweet potato and spinach Dahl."

Raising an eyebrow Rachel laughed, "Only you." Rushing the last of the order down the phone Rachel reeled off her final request for as many Breadsticks as the delivery person could carry, her address and of course her name, "Uh-huh, my name…Santana Lopez. That's right, Lopez."

Santana choked back a laugh at the mischievous smirk on Rachel's face as she hung up, "Identity theft now huh?"

"I wants my Breadsticks and I wants them now." Rachel replied, her deadpan exterior cracking as she stuck out her tongue, "And I'm pretty sure using your name just got our order hiked up the list and will probably result in some extra delicious side dishes too."

Twenty minutes later Rachel found out that was definitely the case as she lugged two bags of food in from a terrified looking delivery boy. She wondered for a second if he was going to pass out when Santana appeared behind her and handed over a wad of notes, the boy's expression only relaxing when Santana informed him to keep the change and get off the damn porch.

"Just so you know." Rachel began as she emptied to contains on to the table in the lounge, "I'm pretty much going to use your name every time I order out."

Santana laughed as she sunk down onto the sofa next to the singer, "In that case I should tell you now, I'm banned from the pizza place downtown."

"_Castillo's?_"

"There was some…unpleasantness." Santana elaborated as she loaded her plate with food.

Rachel blinked but with a shrug she realised that sometimes it was better not to ask and settling back amongst the cushions she dug into her food. From the first mouthful Rachel decided that she was never letting anyone but Santana order for her ever again, "This is so good."

"Right?" Santana agreed, "And you didn't even question its vegan-ness. I'm honoured."

Rachel paused for a moment; she hadn't even thought to quiz Santana over her food which struck the singer as strange because she questioned everyone about her food, with the exception of her fathers. When the family had gone to her Aunt's for a party last year she had spent more time asking questions and reading the back of packets than eating, which turned out to be a good thing once her Uncle admitted he thought butter would be okay.

Taking the other girls hesitation as a bad sign Santana set her own fork down, "It is vegan by the way. Promise."

"Oh, I know." Rachel replied with a smile, "I trust you."

Santana didn't know why those three words made her blush but she found herself lowering her head to hide her now red cheeks, "Thanks."

The two ate in a comfortable silence, the only sound filling the room was the gentle beat coming from the speakers where Rachel had flicked on some background music. It was only when all the food had been demolished and Santana was finishing off the final breadstick that the quiet was broken, "He was never coming home was he?"

Rachel frowned as she turned to face her friend, with a sigh she bit her lip, "I don't know."

Santana scoffed as she tossed the remaining breadstick onto her plate on the table, "I realised how stupid I was being the second I opened my front door."

"It wasn't stupid." Rachel tried to reason.

"It was." Santana stated, her gaze locked on her hands as they fidgeted against each other, "I wanted so badly to believe he would change his mind that I went back to that fucking house. I hate that house; I don't know what I was thinking."

"You're here now, that's what matters." Rachel said softly.

"They didn't clean it up." Santana whispered her shoulders tense as she explained, "The paramedics."

Rachel felt her heart thudding in her chest as she envisioned the scene Santana must have found upon opening her front door.

"She did it in the front room." Santana noted, her eyebrows knitted together in concentration as if trying to work out a puzzle, "My Mom took the pills from her bathroom upstairs and brought them into that room, she even lined the bottles up on the table. She planned it; it wasn't an impulse so…she must have thought about it before, she wanted to succeed."

"I think…" Rachel trailed off, unsure if she was overstepping the mark.

"What?" Santana asked, her eyes watering as she looked to her friend.

"I think she wanted…I think she hoped someone would find her." Rachel exhaled, she knew that Mrs Lopez was the only one who could answer the big questions but to her, the fact the woman hadn't hidden away in the bathroom was the only thing she could focus on, it was the only shred of hope she could offer Santana, "I think there was at least a part of her that wanted to live."

"You really think so?" Santana whispered as she sniffed back her tears.

"I do." Rachel said solemnly, "But I think it's your Mom you need to talk to."

Santana stared down at her lap, her teeth gnawing on her bottom lip she murmured, "I'm so angry at her. I can't help it."

Rachel dipped her head as she inched closer to Santana. "It's okay to be angry."

"You want to know the worst thing?" Santana pushed as she gritted her teeth together, "I can't even decide whether I'm more angry with my Mom or my Dad, how fucked up is that?"

Rachel sighed as she looked down, her eyes widening as she saw the way Santana's fists were now clenched together. Reaching over she carefully took the other girls hands and gently pried the cheerleader's fingers away from her palms. She winced as she saw the half-moon crescents imbedded in soft skin, the harsh lines not deep enough to draw blood but enough to stand out long after the nail was gone.

Glancing down at her hands, now encased in Rachel's, Santana closed her eyes, "Sorry."

"I don't want you to hurt yourself." Rachel whispered, her voice barely carrying across the room as she held back her tears and voiced the worry that had been crushing down on her shoulders since the first moment she had left Santana alone, "Please tell me you haven't…"

Santana's eyes snapped open as she twisted her head to look at Rachel, they had never really spoken about _it _after that first night, mostly because Santana had never felt the urge to harm herself since getting closer to Rachel but she could feel the worry rolling of her friend as they locked eyes, "I…I was going to."

Rachel couldn't stop the sob that escaped, her grasp on the other girls hands tightening slightly.

Santana shook her head guiltily; she couldn't stand seeing Rachel cry especially when it was her fault. Shifting her body sideways she managed to release one of her hands from Rachel and she reached to brush away the hair that had fallen around Rachel's face, taking a deep breath Santana continued, "I was going to but I didn't. I couldn't."

"You-You couldn't?" Rachel breathed her throat uncomfortably tight as she choked out the hopeful words.

Santana shook her head, her eyes glazing over slightly as she remembered how close she had come, she didn't want to cause Rachel any more concern but she needed her friend to understand, "After everything I…I went to the bathroom and I didn't even think about it, it was like I was completely blank. It was only when I was rolling up my sleeve that I realised what I was doing."

"What made you stop?"

"You did." Santana admitted, unable to stop the smile appearing on her face she rolled her eyes at the shocked look on the singer's face and gesturing down to the borrowed sweater she was still wearing she explained, "I know it's just a sweater but it made me think of you, even when I couldn't think of anything else I thought of you and it was enough. I pretty much ran out of the house and straight here."

Rachel tried not to let her emotions take over but it was little use and springing forward she wrapped her arms tightly around the other girl. It took Santana a couple of seconds to react, mostly because she had been thrown so off balance by the unexpected embrace, but even as she fell backwards slightly she wrapped her arms around the singer a smile on her face as she felt their bodies mould together.

Pulling back slightly Rachel blushed as she realised she was now basically sitting in Santana's lap, her arms wrapped around the other girls shoulders as Santana grasped her waist, her delicate fingers holding the diva in place. Sneaking a glance at the other girl Rachel found herself unable to look away and instead found herself being drawn inexplicable closer.

"Rachel…" Santana whispered, her heart beating frantically as the smaller girl licked her lips.

"Santana I-"

"I'm home." The loud booming voice of Leroy Berry rang out through the house as the front door slammed shut.

Letting out a quiet shriek Rachel tried to contain the barrage of curse words flowing through her brain at her father's completely inconvenient timing. She barely had the time to pull herself off a shell-shocked Santana before her father came striding into the room and threw his jacket down on one of the armchairs.

"Hi Daddy." Rachel mustered as she adjusted her shirt and tried to not look as flustered as she felt, "I thought you were going out for drinks after work."

"I did…" Leroy replied in confusion as he gestured to the clock, "It's almost eleven o'clock."

Turning to double check the clock Rachel let out a surprised, "Oh well…would you look at that."

Leroy frowned, his eyes flicking between the two girls he couldn't help but notice the slight blush on both girls' cheeks and made a mental note to mention it to his husband later. The thought of his husband pulled Leroy from his curiosity and back to the present, Hiram had already called him earlier to inform him of the situation with Santana and her family. Leroy had wanted to head home as soon as possible, he had been dialling his colleagues on the work phone to try and cancel while talking to Hiram on his cell. Hiram however had insisted he go, if only to give the girls some space and so Leroy had unwillingly spent the evening half listening to boring stories while worrying about Santana. Looking down at the young girl he offered a warm smile, "How are you?"

"I'm…yeah, I'm okay." Santana stammered as she glanced to Rachel and then to Leroy, "I hope it's alright that I'm here-"

"Of course it is." Leroy interrupted as he leant over and gave Santana's shoulder a reassuring squeeze, "You know you're more than welcome here. Are you going back to the hospital tomorrow?"

Santana exhaled loudly and bowing her head she replied, "Yeah, I didn't get to see my Mom today so I'm going after school."

"You're going to school?" Leroy asked in surprise, "I could call Principal Figgins if you want, I'm sure he'd understand if you took the day off.

"I want to go." Santana reasoned, "I need the distraction, I can't sit around and think about what's happened all day. I'll just can't."

Leroy smiled, "If you're sure…but if you change your mind the offer stands and if you need anything else I'm right here."

"Thanks."

"You're welcome." Leroy stated as he clapped his hands together, "Right, I need a shower and then I need to sleep. Girls, try not to stay up to late I know there's a creature feature special on but no late night marathons, okay? Not after your all-night zombie party."

Rachel rolled her eyes but agreed, "Okay, goodnight Daddy."

"Night baby girl, night Santana."

Both girls bid their own goodnights as they watched Leroy pad out of the living room. Rachel shifted awkwardly in her seat as an uncomfortable silence fell over the room and she could see Santana mirroring her actions as she too shuffled along the couch. However before Rachel could say anything Santana sudden pushed herself to her feet, "So…I um…I should go to bed. Night."

The cheerleader was so quick on her feet that Rachel didn't even have time to form a thought before Santana bolted out of the room and from the sound of it, took the stairs three at a time to propel herself upstairs as fast as possible leaving the singer with her mouth open in surprise.

Rachel blinked as she tried to process what had just happened; her normally logical brain could only come up with one course of action and so she found herself hurriedly following in Santana's path as she too bolted up the stairs. She didn't even stop to knock as she pushed through the door to the room that they had set up for Santana. She wished she had paused though because as soon as she shut the door behind her she came face to face with Santana and she really could have used some time to come up with something intelligent to say.

"Ray, what are you doing?"

Opening her mouth to reply Rachel found herself at an uncharacteristic loss for words, all her advanced vocabulary and wit disappearing as she managed to stammer, "Actions speak louder than words right?"

Santana frowned, "Wha-"

Leaning forward Rachel wrapped one arm around Santana's waist and used the other to lift her hand and cup the other girl's cheek as she pulled her forward and brought their lips together. It was a gentle kiss, hesitant at first and for a second Rachel panicked as horrible doubts flooded her mind. What if she had misread the situation? What if Santana didn't feel the same way? Just as she was making a mental list of all nearby exits she felt one of Santana's hands ghost across her leg as the other girl reached out to take her hip and pull her closer. Rachel sighed happily as she felt Santana's other hand wrap firmly around her as she deepened the kiss.

Rachel wasn't sure how long they stood like that, each clinging to the other as they melted together. It was only when oxygen became an issue that they were forced to part and even then as they reluctantly separated Rachel couldn't help but draw Santana in again, tiny kisses dotted along the other girls jaw.

"I've wanted to do that for a really long time." Rachel admitted with a grin as she leant back in Santana's protective embrace, "You have no idea."

Santana blushed as she smiled, "Oh I think I do."

Knowing Santana had been waiting too made Rachel smile even wider and she didn't hesitate as she whispered, "Can I stay in here with you tonight? I promise not to steal all the covers."

"I'd like that." Santana murmured as she dropped a kiss on the top of Rachel's forehead, "We should probably get ready for bed then."

"Does then mean we have to let go?" Rachel joked as she looked up at Santana, "If it does, I'm voting against it."

"You'd drop your whole evening routine for me?" Santana grinned as she grudgingly let go of Rachel who instantly pouted.

"I'd fast forward it yes." The singer replied as she watched Santana grab a clean pair of sweats and a black tank from the chest of drawers.

Walking back over to the singer Santana smiled and just because she could she drew Rachel into another kiss, her hand cupping the singer's face she pulled back, "Then fast forward it, I wants to get my cuddle on."

Rachel grinned and stealing a quick peck she darted out of the bedroom and across the hall to her own, she heard Santana head straight to the bathroom and chuckled at the speed of the footsteps. By the time Rachel had pulled on her pyjamas, visited the bathroom and made it back to Santana's room she found the other girl already buried deep within the duvet. Easing the door shut and flicking off the light Rachel padded over to the bed and slipped in under the covers, an appreciative moan slipping from her lips at the warmth waiting for her.

"I think we just set world record pace." Santana chuckled as she waited for Rachel to get comfortable.

Lying on her back Rachel smiled as she felt Santana drape an arm across her stomach and shifting slightly she eased an arm around the cheerleaders shoulders to draw her closer. Her smile grew as she felt Santana rest her head on her chest as she burrowed against the singer's smaller frame, "I'll inform the appropriate authorities tomorrow."

"I expect nothing less." Santana joked, a loud yawn hijacking the rest of her sentence she tightened her embrace on the girl beneath her, a content smile on her face as she felt Rachel's hand running through her hair, "Night Rachel."

"Goodnight Santana."


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N – This took me a lot longer than intended, my writer's block has been so bad lately. But I am really happy with how this turned out. I prefer to take longer to update and produce something that is good than churn out something I'm not happy with, hopefully you guys agree!**

Santana had pretty much mastered the art of poker face. It had come in useful numerous times in her life, particularly in high school, and as she stared off into space she had never been more grateful for it. It allowed her the freedom to appear as though she was paying attention to the teacher droning away at the front of the classroom when in fact her mind was preoccupied with way more important things.

"Miss Lopez, are you paying attention?"

Jerking in her seat Santana whipped her head up to stare blankly at the teacher who was now stood with his hands on his hips glaring down at her from the front of the classroom. Maybe there were still some improvements to be made.

"Since you are clearly so fascinated with my lesson, perhaps you could enlighten the rest of us with the answer?"

Santana smiled hesitantly as her eyes flicked over to the whiteboard. She knew her expression probably resembled that of a deer in headlights but seeing the writing she relaxed. Math, she was in math class, "X over 4 divided by 2."

Scowling Mr Peterson nodded and although Santana could see the older man wanted to say something else, no doubt a jib about her cheating or making a lucky guess, he managed to keep it to himself as he turned back to the class to continue droning on. With a relieved sigh Santana allowed her chin to drop back onto her palm as she leant on her desk, her pen hovering over her notepad to give the illusion of studying. It wasn't as though Santana hated Math, far from it, it was actually one of her favourite subjects, the problem was that she had way too many other things to think about than algebra and stupid x's and y's.

Biting on her already well chewed pen Santana let her mind drift again, so far she had been able to preoccupy her thoughts with those of Rachel. She had spent first period grinning like an idiot as she remembered waking up next to the diva, second period had been spent replaying the previous evening complete with slow motion kiss while third period was mostly Santana fidgeting in her seat as she counted down to lunch. Of course lunch had been a pleasant break from her thoughts as she and Rachel snuck away to the auditorium for some much needed affection while avoiding the rest of the student body and then fourth and fifth period had been spend replaying the events of lunch.

Sixth period however had proved to be her undoing. She should have known that her happy thoughts would not be enough to keep away the ever encroaching thoughts of her family. Lifting her gaze to check the clock on the wall Santana felt her stomach clench uncomfortably, she swore that time was somehow moving faster now, as through it knew how much she was dreading returning to the hospital. It wasn't that she didn't want to see her Mother, she did but for some reason the only thing she could think about was that one or both of her parents were going to send her away. Again. Just as her thoughts were beginning to slide into dangerous territory the bell rang, crisp and clear as it signalled the end of the school day she had been dreading.

As the rest of the students around her quickly and overly enthusiastically crammed their things together and fled the room Santana slowly stood and carefully packed away her belongings. She knew if she wanted to make visiting hours she needed to hurry but her feet seemed unwilling to co-operate as she trudged out of the room, through the hallway and towards her locker to retrieve her change of clothes. By the time she was done changing and unnecessarily redoing her hair and make-up the school was pretty much empty, which was more than okay with Santana. She had spent a lot of her day dodging and weaving Mr Schue and Miss Pillsbury, the thought of having to talk to either of them about the previous day's events was too much to handle right now. It did seem as though, outside of the choir, the news had not spread to the rest of the school which was at least one positive.

Ambling out of the school and down the front steps Santana paused, her heart sinking as a familiar face weaved its way in front of her. She knew that Rachel was waiting for her, the diva had insisted on being the one to drive to the hospital and with a quick check of her watch Santana confirmed her tardiness. She definitely did not have time for this crap.

"Santana." Blaine stated as he came to a halt in front of the cheerleader, "I almost didn't recognise you out of your uniform."

"I knew I should have worn a hat." Santana muttered with a shake of her head.

Blaine frowned, his eyes searching her face unable to tell if she was serious or not, "Right. Listen, I just…I wanted to say that I'm sorry for what happened with your Mom. I know it must be tough for you but I wanted, we all wanted you to know that we're here for you."

Santana blinked, accustom as she was to dealing with a constant level of anger she was unprepared for the blinding rage she felt swelling up, "Are you fucking kidding me?" she spat, her shoulders tense as she took a step forward, one hand outstretched as she jabbed a finger into the boys chest, "We are not friends Blanderson. You don't even know me, so you do not get to come to me with your little pity speech and act like you or any of those people in that club give a damn about me."

"That's not-"

"It's exactly what it is." Santana growled.

Blaine shook his head as he stumbled back under the glare of the cheerleader, "We're worried about you."

Santana scoffed as she made a show of looking around the deserted parking lot, one side of her mouth curling into a sneer she snapped, "It really looks like it, I can't believe you managed to rally everyone together for me. Thanks."

"They wanted to be here we just thought it would be a little overwhelming if-"

"Bullshit." Santana muttered her voice dripping with distain as she continued, "Let me guess, they sent you – or because you're new to this and stupid – you volunteered, to be the one to find me and pay lip service to how fucking sorry you all are that I'm having _issues_." The cheerleader paused here, one eyebrow raised as she made sure Blaine was paying attention, "Let's get this clear, you and the rest of that club can't just suddenly decide that you want to be my friends because you find out my Mom is in the hospital and that my life is shit."

"I-We…"

Santana shook her head as she raised a hand for Blaine to be quiet, "No. You think you can swing in here, offering up a few condolences and that that's going to make everything okay so what, we can all suddenly play nice?" Santana spat her hands falling to rest on her hips as she added, "Well I've got news for you, you don't get to be the good guys in this. You don't get to spout off some meaningless crap so you can feel good about yourselves, like you're a good bunch of boys and girls 'supporting' me in my hour of need."

Blaine blinked as he looked down at the ground and stuffed his hands inside his pockets.

"I'm surprised you didn't come here and break out into some lame ass song, it would be just like that fucking club to think everything can be solved with a stupid song."

The younger boy frowned at this, his eyes darting up nervously to meet Santana's he did his best to stop his voice from wavering, "We do care about you."

"You never did before, why start now?" Santana asked calmly.

"Because you need friends."

Not missing a beat Santana retorted, "And I didn't before?" It didn't exactly make her feel better to watch the guilt spread across the boy's features and as she pushed her way past the now quiet boy Santana bit her lip, unloading on Blaine hadn't actually been part of her plan when she had spotted him but he was there to represent a group of people that she needed to understand how she felt and if she had to hurt his feelings to be heard, then so be it.

Moving swiftly through the parking lot Santana spotted Rachel leaning against her car, she sighed as she saw the way Rachel was nervously swinging her keys around her finger and tapping her foot against the wheel of the car. Santana didn't even glance at her watch as she hurried up to the other girl; casting her an apologetic look the cheerleader managed a tight smile, "Sorry I…"

"Was thinking of bailing?" Rachel supplied carefully as she reached out a take Santana's bag and toss it gently in the backseat.

Santana nodded as she rounded the car and opened the passenger door, "Well yeah and…I ran into Blaine."

"Blaine?" Rachel queried as she watched Santana duck into her car, "What did he want?"

Santana shrugged as she buckled her seatbelt and waited for Rachel to do the same, "He wanted to let me know that everyone is _very sorry _that blah fucking blah…"

Flicking the ignition Rachel gave a short nod as she eased the car out of the parking lot, she had to admit that she had been curious as to how the rest of the New Directions were dealing with the sudden revelations of the day before, "Is was just Blaine?"

"Yeah." Santana sighed, her hands fiddling nervously in her lap, "It doesn't…I don't understand it, I don't even know him, at all, yet he's the one that tells me they're all sorry? What the hell is that about?"

The singer shrugged as she slowed the car to a stop and waited patiently at the junction for the traffic to ease, the roads were relatively clear and Rachel was glad that she didn't have to contend with the normal post-school drivers honking and cutting each other up since her mind was not as focused on the road as she would normally have like it to be, "Blaine is a good guy and I don't know, maybe he thought it would be better if it was him. I mean, would you really have preferred to speak to Artie or Finn?"

"I would have preferred it if they didn't treat me like a charity case." Santana snapped, "I don't need their pity."

Letting out a small sigh Rachel cast a sideways glance in the other girl's direction and wasn't surprised to see that even though the cheerleaders words had been laced with her normal venom, the girl herself had allowed her body to crumple dejectedly against the window as she stared at the passing houses. Reaching out a hand Rachel carefully untangled one of Santana's and linked their fingers together, "What about Brittany and Quinn?" the singer tried, eager to steer the conversation in a different direction, "Have you heard from either of them today?"

Santana shifted slightly as she let herself turn to face the other girl, her eyes lingering on the way their hands were clasped together, "Quinn text me this morning. She didn't really say much but she did say I could call her if I needed anything or if I wanted to talk. It's kind of awkward between us still but she's trying so that's something I guess."

"And Brittany?"

"She called me this morning between classes. She's always been pretty good at reading me and I think she knew I really didn't want to see anyone today." Santana replied a small smile creeping across her features, "Except you of course."

Rachel blushed, her hair slipping from behind her ear to shield her face as she smiled, "I'm glad you agreed to let me come with you."

"I couldn't do it without you." Santana admitted, her voice cracking as the hospital came into view, its imposing size once again making her breath catch in her throat as she fought to maintain her composure at the thought of what was waiting for her.

Rachel smiled softly as she replied "Yes you could, you're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for Santana." Giving the other girls hand a reassuring squeeze she reluctantly let go and pulled the car into a nearby space, "Although I should add there is not a chance in hell I'm letting you do this by yourself."

Santana chuckled at the resolute expression on the other girls face and drawing confidence from the knowledge that she wasn't alone she nodded, "Then let's do this."

Feeling a little more confident Santana got out of the car and straightened her jacket, she knew Rachel would pick up on the nervous mannerism and moving round the car she waited for the diva to put her keys away before reaching out to take her hand. She didn't exactly know when holding the other girls hand became almost second nature, but the calm feeling she got every time she felt the smaller girl's hand in her own was like nothing she had felt before.

Making their way through the hospital Santana couldn't help but glance around in the hope of spotting her father, she knew he worked primarily in the hospital's emergency department but as she stepped out of the elevator and into the psychiatric ward she still half expected to see him waiting for her. He wasn't of course and nearing the reception desk Santana vaguely recognised the woman as the same one from the day before, casting a quick glance at her name badge she said "Hi, I'm here to see Marianna Lopez."

The receptionist, Jen, looked up and smiled, "You must be Santana."

Santana frowned, the day before might have been a blur but she was pretty sure she hadn't ever spoken to this woman let alone exchanged names. She did recalled Rachel talking to someone at the main reception but this was definitely not the same person or even the same desk.

"I used to work down in the emergency room with your father before I was transferred up here." Jen explained seeing the younger girl's confusion, "I recognised you from the pictures."

"Pictures?" Santana asked sceptically.

"He's always showing them off." Jen explained, her smile dropping a little at the disbelieving look being cast her way. Fidgeting in her seat Jen turned to the computer, "Your Mother is in room 7A, it's down the hall on the left. Do you want me to show you?"

Santana shook her head, still trying to get her head around the fact her Dad was apparently showing off photographs of her to his colleagues, "I'll be fine, thanks."

"Let me know if there's anything you need." Jen added, her eyes trained on Santana and Rachel as they headed away from the desk.

Santana slowly made her way down the hallway, comforted only by the feeling of Rachel moving next to her she struggled to keep herself calm. The ward itself was relatively quiet but that only served to put the cheerleader more on edge and as she came to a stop outside the door labelled 7A she took a deep breath. She could see her Mom through the small window, the regulation blinds restricting her view a little she paused and turned to Rachel, "Will you wait out here for me?"

The smaller girl nodded and unsure of how comfortable Santana would be with public displays of affection she leant forward slightly and drew the cheerleader into a quick hug, "You'll be fine and I'm right out here if you need me okay?"

"Okay." Santana replied shakily as she pulled back, her lips grazing Rachel's cheek in a chaste kiss, "Thank you."

Letting go of Rachel she edged her way closer to the door, it had been left open for what Santana could only imagine was hospital policy so lingering in the doorway she reached out to knock. The second her Mom's eyes met hers Santana felt her whole body freeze, far from the blank and lifeless expression she was both expecting and dreading she was instead met with red-rimmed eyes that instantly filled with tears.

"Ana?" the older woman whispered, her quiet and broken voice echoing across the room.

Santana's heart pounded in her chest, she hadn't heard her Mom refer to her as Ana in what felt like a lifetime and hearing it now was surreal. She stepped forward cautiously, the sound of her sneakers scuffing across the tiles filling the room as she approached the chair her Mom was sitting in.

The room was like many other hospital rooms, a small bed taking up most of the space in the middle and two chairs positioned by the window overlooking the road outside. Santana hesitated as she eyed the seat next to her Mother, she felt so awkward hovering in the middle of the room but she didn't know what to do. She could still feel the anger coursing through her veins but all she wanted to do was fall into her mother's arms and then she wondered if that would be right, shouldn't she be comforting her Mom not the other way around?

"Mom…" Santana tried her voice choking as her Mother raised herself out of the chair, "Mom..."

Marianna shuffled forward quickly as she saw her daughter's body begin to crumble, she managed to reach her in time and scooping the girl's tiny frame against her body Marianna felt Santana's arms wrap tightly around her.

"Mami." Santana sobbed as she clung to the woman, her nose buried against her chest she inhaled the familiar scent of her mother's embrace. The sweet smell of cherries and vanilla that reminded her of what she had almost forgotten. The times back before everything had gone so horribly wrong, before the accident and Yara's death, before they stopped avoiding each other and drifted so far apart.

"I'm sorry Santana." Marianna whispered, her hand gently combing through her daughter's hair as she held her close, "I'm so sorry."

Santana only clung on tighter as her mother carefully sank back down into the chair and brought her to sit in her lap, she didn't care that she was probably too old to be held like a child or that her tears were steadily soaking into her Mom's top, she never wanted to let go and judging from the strong grip her Mother had on her the feeling was mutual.

Santana wasn't sure how long they sat like that, each of them clinging to the other as though they were about to disappear. It was only the sound of her Mother's whispered apologies and reassurances that eventually lulled Santana into a calmer state, her tears slowing as she pulled back slightly and raised a hand to wipe the last of the wetness from her cheeks. Santana sighed gently as she felt her Mom reach out and brush her hair away from her face, it was a small gesture but it brought a big smile to the cheerleaders face as she closed her eyes and leant into the maternal touch. They stayed that way for a moment before Santana shifted slightly, her eyes opening once again she knew there was still a world of things left of unsaid.

Marianna smiled softly as she read her daughter's expression, "We have a lot to talk about."

She didn't want to talk much less move, she wanted to stay huddled up in the protective arms of her Mother and pretend that everything was okay but reluctantly Santana nodded. Her eyes darting around the room she spotted a jug of water sitting on the bedside table and sliding out of her Mom's arms she padded across the room and grabbing the jug she poured two glasses, she figured they could both use a drink and a momentary distraction. Handing one glass over to her Mother she took a seat in the chair next to the older woman, her smile brightening when she felt her Mom reach over to take her hand.

They were both quiet for a moment, each clearly waiting for the other to start and it wasn't long before Santana began, her quiet voice barely carrying across the room. She had so many questions flying through her brain but she couldn't help the one that came shooting from her mouth, blunt and to the point as always, "Do you wish you were dead?"

Marianna bowed her head for a moment, the intense look on Santana's face almost too much to take. She wanted to be honest with her daughter but she didn't know if the young girl was ready to hear it, taking a deep breath she exhaled loudly, "I wish I could tell you that I don't but… I don't know."

Santana frowned, the question slipping from her lips before she could stop it, "Why the front room?"

"What?" Marianna asked as she looked up in confusion.

"It's…." Santana paused as she tried to gather her thoughts, "My friend, Rachel, she thinks that you wanted to be saved or at least a part of you did. I thought maybe that's why you…why you weren't in the bathroom or…" Santana sighed as she shook her head, she had never been the best person when it came to expressing herself but right now she had never felt more frustrated with herself, as the frustration began to build she could feel it starting to twist into a more familiar anger. Slamming her glass down on the table next to her chair Santana curled her hands into fists as she tried to contain herself. She had so much she wanted to say but she didn't know how to without upsetting her Mom, the last thing she wanted to do was make things worse, "Fuck."

Marianna took a deep breath, and catching her daughters eye she pursed her lips, "It's okay, you need to say it Santana. You can tell me."

"You tried to kill yourself." Santana shouted suddenly, angry tears burning her eyes as she looked at her Mom, "I need you and you don't even want to be here, you would rather be dead than be here with me. I am your daughter; I don't understand what I'm supposed to do without you."

"I-I haven't been there for you for a long time Santana." Marianna admitting, her voice wavering as she moved closer to her daughter.

Santana sniffed back her tears, "But you were still alive, you weren't…" She paused, the back of her hand rubbing furiously at the wetness rolling down her cheeks as she whispered, "I don't want you to die. I already lost Yara, I can't-I can't…"

Marianna closed her eyes, unable to deal with the sight of her little girl breaking down in front of her she raked a hand through her hair and willed herself to have the strength to carry on.

"I'm sorry." Santana whispered through her tears, "I'm sorry that she died, I'm sorry that…If I could go back and change things I would, it shouldn't have been her. She shouldn't have died."

Snapping her eyes open Marianna stared at her daughter, the words echoing around her head as she heard the message between the words. Moving swiftly from her seat the woman knelt on the floor in front of her daughter, her hands wrapping tightly around Santana's she clasped them together almost in prayer, "Ana, look at me."

Raising her head Santana struggled to meet her mother's gaze.

"Yara died before her time and I have spent years wishing I could change it because she should still be here with us." Marianna stressed, her heart breaking in her chest at the thought of her youngest daughter doubting her own existence, "But I thank God every day that you survived."

"You can barely even look at me." Santana choked.

Marianna made no attempt to hide her tears as she whispered, "Most days I can barely look at myself in the mirror. I…Every day is a struggle, getting out of bed takes everything I have and then I spend the whole day wishing I hadn't bothered. I stopped caring, I let it all go but I...I never meant to hurt you Ana." Marianna pleaded, "You have to believe me, you're my baby and I love you but I-I don't how to deal with everything."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Santana asked, "I could have helped."

"You were so little when it happened; you're still my little girl. You're not supposed to be the one to deal with things like this."

Santana shook her head, she wanted to ask about her father and why he had let his own wife slip so far but deep down she already knew the answer. He was suffering so much that he couldn't help himself let alone anyone else and the thought of both of her parents spiralling so hard was unbearable. As she let the sobs wrack her body Santana felt her Mother's arms wrap around her shoulders and as she fell back into her Mom's embrace she made no attempt to hold back her tears, "I just want things to be okay again." Santana mumbled the childishness of her statement overridden by the sheer want behind it.

"Me too." Marianna whispered, her eyes drifting shut as she held her trembling daughter, "I promise you that I'm going to try so, so hard to make things right."

Santana simply nodded as she clung tightly to her Mom, her mind was racing with a thousand different questions, worries and scenarios that she couldn't even begin to deal with. She didn't know where her Father was supposed to fit in to all of this; she didn't even know how long her Mom would have to stay in the hospital or what the doctors had to say. She had no clue how she was going to face the inevitability of coming out to her parents or how and when she was going to be able to introduce Rachel to her family as her girlfriend.

The only thing Santana did know was that for the first time in a long time, even with the terrified worries circling her brain, she felt like there was a chance that things might finally be okay again and that tiny shred of hope was all she needed.


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N – I know my updates have been few and far between lately but I am definitely still working on this, I'm just suffering a lack of inspiration at the moment. I appreciate all the reviews and alerts and I'm grateful to everyone for sticking with me. I'm trying extra hard to focus all my energy back into this fic and I'm really happy with how this chapter turned out hopefully you will agree!**

Santana sighed as she stared awkwardly at her reflection; it wasn't an easy thing to admit but sitting there in her car with her eyes flickering from the rear-view mirror to the flowers clutched in her hands, it was painfully obvious. She had no game. None. Letting her head rest on the steering wheel she let out a groan even as a hint of a smile flickered across her features, she couldn't believe it had taken her so long to ask Rachel out on an official date but now the moment had finally come she was even more nervous than she had expected. It wasn't the fact it was Rachel; that was actually the one thing that didn't make Santana nervous, it was the fact that it was a date. A real date with someone she cared about and that was new, uncharted territory.

Casting a last glance in the mirror Santana took a deep breath and with as much confidence as she could muster, left the safety of her car and made the short walk to the Berry front door. She had insisted to Rachel that if they were going to do this, they were going to do it properly. Of course, Santana wasn't entirely sure what real dates entailed but she figured picking her date up was a good start. Choking back a chuckle Santana rang the doorbell and was almost immediately greeted by the beaming face of an enthusiastic Rachel Berry. She knew Rachel was excited, and not merely because the smaller girl was bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet but because Santana had managed to keep all of the days plans a secret.

"I'm ready." Rachel beamed as she peaked around Santana expectantly scanning the driveway, her enthusiasm making Santana grin, "Do I need anything? I'm more than happy to drive if you would prefer?" her eyes drifting back to Santana she added, "Are those for me?"

Santana blinked slowly as she waited for her brain to catch up with the quick-fire questions, "You might want to grab a jacket, I'm perfectly happy to drive and…." Awkwardly shoving the flowers in Rachel's direction she cringed at her lack of charm, "Yes, these are for you. I didn't know what ones you liked but…I thought maybe Lilies? And I know you like white so…I….here."

"Thank you." Rachel smiled warmly, one hand holding onto the flowers as she ran the other up Santana's arm. Stepping closer she placed a delicate kiss on her cheek "I love them."

As Santana waited for Rachel to place the flowers in some water, and grab a well-advised jacket, she felt her goofy smile slip as her nerves began to get the better of her. She knew it was stupid to be so nervous, after all Rachel already knew her better than anyone and if anything was going to scare her away it probably wouldn't be a bad date but still, Santana wanted everything to be perfect. She needed Rachel to know that drama aside; it was actually possible for them to have fun together.

"Ready!" Rachel piped up, already shooing Santana out of the doorway as she picked her keys up from the side, "Are you going to tell me what we're doing?"

Santana shook her head, "It's a surprise."

"But I don't like surprises." Rachel pouted as she locked her front door and tossed her keys into her bag. Skipping down the path she hesitated as she reached to open the passenger door, her eyebrows knitted together as she saw the brief flash of dejection cross Santana's face. Quickly getting into the car Rachel waited for Santana to do the same then reaching over she gently clasped the other girl's hand, "I was joking, I'm sure I'm going to love whatever you've planned."

"Yeah, I know." Santana replied shortly, her shoulders tense as she hurried to get the car on the road, if only to distracted her panicked thoughts with driving. It didn't help much, and as she slowed the car at a red light she could feel the awkward tension lingering in the car, this was not how she wanted things to start. She had barely gone five minutes into the date and already she was ruining it. It didn't help that she could feel Rachel looking at her intently, probably wondering why the hell she had even agreed to the date in the first place.

"Hey…" Rachel whispered, her body shifting slightly so she could face Santana "Are you okay?" She could feel the anxiety rolling off the other girl in waves and reaching a hand out she brought it down to rest on Santana's knee.

"I…I'm not good at this stuff." Santana mumbled eventually, "I've never done this before."

Rachel narrowed her eyes in confusion, the words slipping from her mouth before she could fully register them, "But, you've been with plenty of people."

Santana tensed, her jaw clenching tightly she muttered, "Right, I forgot my _reputation_."

"No, I-I didn't mean that I-" Rachel stammered, mentally cursing her choice of words.

"You did." Santana replied as she took a calming breath. Relaxing her shoulders she let her gaze drift from the road to Rachel as she offered her a sad smile, "It's okay, it's not like I don't know what people think about me."

"No, they don't…I –I mean…But it's not what _I_ think, I know none of its true-" Rachel tried, her voice unnatural shrill as she tried to explain.

Santana shook her head and sighed, "I know that but…_reputation_ aside…" She frowned as she reached down to place her own hand on top of Rachel's, her smile growing as she felt the warmth from the small girl's hand against her skin, "I've never been on an actual date, okay? Not with someone I cared about."

Rachel frowned, gnawing nervously at her bottom lip she whispered tentatively, "You mean, you and Brittany never…?"

She could hear the hint of jealously hidden behind the question, and casting a sideways glance at the other girl she offered a shrug, "Not officially, nothing was ever official with us you know? We were always in this grey area and yeah, unofficially we were sort of together, I guess, but it was never the right time for us." Focusing on the road Santana tried to hide the blush creeping across her cheeks as she grinned, "I guess this makes you my first."

Rachel chuckled as she carefully leant over the centre console, her lips ghosting across the Santana's ear she whispered, "Don't worry, I'll be gentle."

Santana groaned quietly, her eyes closing briefly before snapping back open, "As much as I hate to say it; if you don't move, neither of us is even going to get to this date in one piece." Reluctantly she edged her hand up from Rachel's and playfully shoved her girlfriend back into her seat, "And I really would like to see what this date stuff is all about."

"Will you at least tell me where we're going?" Rachel asked, a mischievous grin plastered to her face as she sunk back into her seat, her hand still glued to Santana's knee and edging higher.

"I don't have to, we're pretty much here." Santana replied as she turning the car off the road and down a dirt track almost completely hidden by trees. They had only been driving for a short distance but it felt like they were in the middle of nowhere, only the quiet sound of birds and the rumble of the car as it bounced along the road. Santana tried to keep her mind focused on driving and not the way Rachel had taken to drumming her fingertips across the inside of her thigh.

Rachel perked up as she whipped her head back and forth in an attempt to work out where they were, "Where is here?"

"Anyone ever told you, you ask too many questions?"

The smaller girl nodded happily, "Yes, all the time. In fact you told me so yesterday and twice this morning."

As the road came to an end and opened up into a small make-shift parking lot Santana eased the car to a stop, "Okay, we're here. Everybody out!" Throwing her girlfriend a goofy smile Santana hopped out of the car and headed to the trunk where she pulled out a rucksack, trying to hide how heavy it was she hurried around to Rachel, "Ready?"

"Always." Rachel beamed as she was unable to hold back her natural curiosity, "Now will you tell me what we're doing, please?"

Santana laughed, taking one of Rachel's hands she tugged the smaller girl forward until they were walking side by side, the car left far behind as they headed away from the parking lot and into the wooded area in front of them. A small path curved out ahead and was the perfect width to allow the two girls to amble next to each other, reaching into her pocket Santana pulled out her phone and began tapping away.

"Texting is bad date etiquette." Rachel pointed out playfully as she clung to her girlfriend's hand.

"Then it's a good thing I'm not texting." Santana countered as she passed her phone to Rachel, "And I might be new at this dating thing but even I know that." Waiting for the other girl to look down at the phone Santana explained, "It's a map, GPS or whatever it's called, see that's us…" She pointed to the little blue dot before gesturing to the little green one, "And that is where we're going."

"Okay." Rachel said slowly, her eyes drifting up from the phone in confusion, "And what's there?"

"I have no idea, that's the fun part." Santana grinned, her smile faltering slightly at the confused look thrown her way, "It's called geocaching." She explained as they approached a fork in the path, "There's a whole bunch of boxes hidden all over the place, all over the world, people hide them and then they post the location online and you can go and find them, kind of like a treasure hunt."

"You're taking me on a treasure hunt?" Rachel yelled, her excitement getting the better of her as her shout echoed around them, "Wait, what's in the rucksack? Is it a shovel? Do we get to dig?"

Santana laughed as she motioned for Rachel to go left and follow the path as it sloped down slightly, "Yeah because I've always wanted the cops to pull me over on my way into the woods with a shovel in my trunk and pretty girl by my side. That doesn't scream serial killer." Santana laughed harder as Rachel used her free hand to playful swot her shoulder, "Ouch. Now I'm not sharing my picnic with you."

"You brought a picnic?"

"I did, I even made cheesecake or well…I drove to that specialist store and brought it but I made everything else." Adjusting the bag on her shoulder Santana looked down at the ground, suddenly shy of her actions.

"It sounds perfect." Rachel stated as she hooked her hand through Santana's elbow, drawing the other girl's arm into a hug. Resting her head against the taller girls shoulder she smiled, "This is perfect; a whole day with you, nature and the promise of cheesecake."

Santana sighed contently, her worries dissipating at both Rachel's words and her embrace. They stayed that way for a while, both girl's grinning stupidly as they meandered along with the sun shining down on them. The path was fairly easy to follow, at least to begin with, then the small inclines grew steeper the multitude of twists and turns increased but it was only when they came to a dead end that the problems started; glaring at the trees in front of her Santana tried to remain calm as she shifted the weight of her rucksack, "This isn't right, what does the GPS say?"

Rachel blinked at the sudden awareness that their progress had been blocked, loosening her grip on the other girls arm she blushed as she realised she was still holding her girlfriends phone, the small device having been stuck between her hand and Santana's arm since the last fork in the path.

"What does it say?" Santana asked as she took a step back. Her arms held over her head as she stretched, her face basking in the warmth of the sun overhead and the stillness of the trees.

She looked so peaceful that Rachel hated to ruin it, "Um…nothing."

"Nothing? What do you mean nothing?"

Rachel shrugged, shaking the phone for good measure she replied, "The little blue dot's gone."

Santana frowned as she dropped her arms back to her side, her head tilted to one side she gestured for Rachel to pass her the phone. When typing in the directions again didn't work she resorted to staring at the now blank map in front of her, "I can't believe this."

"Are we lost?" Rachel asked in a small voice, her eyes darting around the surrounding woods.

"Well…according to this piece of crap, yes." Santana growled as she slid her phone back into her pocket, "But I figure we can just head back the way we came and see if we can pick the signal back up?"

Rachel thought back and with a nervous smile she asked, "Do remember which way we came?"

"I…yeah, I think we can piece it together. Right?"

Rachel gave her affirmative and followed after Santana, she could see the way her girlfriend's shoulders slumped slightly as she walked ahead and picking up her pace Rachel fell into step with her, "We can always build a tree house and hide out here for a while, I could use a break from Mr Schue and his sweater vests."

Santana smirked, "No-one is safe from those things, even out here in the middle of nowhere. They will find you."

Rachel giggled and wrapped an arm around Santana's waist.

Draping her arm over Rachel's shoulder Santana drew them to a stop as she eyed the path in front of them. She glanced at the surrounding area as she tried to find some kind of landmark to jog her memory, "This way." She stated confidently, her eyes spotting a small misshapen shrub by the side of the path. The next few turns passed without any issues but the longer they walked the less sure Santana became. It was when they came to a stop as the path divided into three different options that Santana resorted to dragging her phone from her pocket, unsurprisingly finding it with the same blank screen.

"Santana?" Rachel piped up, her grip tightening, "Do…do you know where we're going?"

"I…No, I think this way…" Santana began as she gestured to the left, only to switch to the right, "Or this way…I...Fuck. I'm sorry."

"What are you sorry for?" Rachel asked, tilting her head up to look at her girlfriend.

"I don't know…getting us lost in the middle of nowhere?" Santana sighed with a self-deprecating laugh, "I wanted everything to be perfect and…it seemed like such a good idea at the time, I thought we could do something different but I guess I should have started off smaller huh? Getting lost in the woods isn't exactly an ideal first date, I'm starting to think I should have stuck to dinner. Or bowling." Shaking her head she tried not to sound too disheartened as she added, "I'm so bad at this stuff."

"You're not!" Rachel countered, "GPS failing aside, this is a great idea. You and me alone, the sun shining and a big rucksack full of food, that's all I need. I don't care if we're lost, it just means we get to spend even longer together and that I don't know, maybe you should give me an extra-large piece of cheesecake." Rachel giggled, her expression turning sincere as she added, "This could have happened to anyone you know."

"I know." Santana admitted, her spirits lifting even though they were no closer to knowing where the hell they were, "But I still wanted everything to be perfect."

"And it is." Rachel stressed.

"So…I don't suck at this girlfriend stuff?" Santana probed, her eyes lighting up a little.

Rachel rolled her eyes playfully and grasping onto the other girl she halted them in their tracks, moving to stand into front of Santana she wrapped her arms around the taller girl's shoulders and allowed her body to melt into the protective embrace that greeted her, "Absolutely not."

"In that case…" Santana began as she dropped a kiss on Rachel's forehead, "I'm officially admitting defeat by reason of technical difficulties…"A playful glint in her eye, she dipped her head and drew Rachel into a kiss, her next words muffled between their lips and giggles, "But I might have spotted a little secluded area back that way…"

Rachel grinned as she pulled back; one eyebrow raised slightly, "Secluded, you say?"

"For lunch." Santana beamed innocently as she wiggled the rucksack weighing her down, winking as she added, "And sweet lady kisses."

Rachel laughed as Santana took her by the hand and tugged her back down their previous path, she had lost all track of where they were since they had turned off the main road and had been relying completely on Santana to direct them.

"Check it out." Santana announced as she edged in front to gesture to a small path trailing off to the side, "I think if we cut through here, it looks like there's a field at the end."

"Lead the way."

With a pout Santana was forced to let go of Rachel's hand, the path was much narrower than she would have liked and it wasn't particularly well kept. Her trademark short dress had seemed like a good idea back when Rachel was getting familiar with her thigh in the car, but trying to navigate down an overgrown path Santana was regretting her choice, "Watch out for these spiky things." Santana called back, kicking out and stomping down one that had scratched her leg with a victorious smile, "They hurt like hell."

Rachel grimaced as she made her way passed the trampled thorns, her eyes looking ahead to the last little bit of nettles standing between them and what looked like a nice, green field, "I'm more worried about those."

Santana stopped, her gaze flicking between Rachel and the nettles. She had to admit the path looked less than welcoming but it wasn't that bad and what lay beyond it, looked perfect.

"Do you think there's another way around?"

Santana shook her head, she had definitely reached her limited of walking and as her stomach growled, she made her decision. Slipping the bag off her shoulders she held out to Rachel, "Take this."

"What-"

Santana rolled her eyes and with a little more urgency, jiggled the bag at the other girl, "A few nettles are not going to scare me away."

"Okay." Rachel said slowly as she shifted the bag onto her shoulders, her eyes bulging at the unexpected weight. Before she had time to reprimand Santana for carrying it all day and not letting her help, the other girl had turned to stand in front of her, "San…"

"Hop on." Santana laughed, twisting her head to smile at the smaller girl as she crouched down a little, "I haven't got all day; I wants to gets my eats on."

Rachel giggled as she shook her head, "No, I am not going to-"

"It's either this or a fireman's lift." Santana interrupted, "The choice is yours, I'm not risking you getting stung or you know…losing you in all the big, tall weeds."

"Was that a height joke?" Rachel growled, her arms reaching out for Santana's shoulders. She wondered momentarily, if there was any chance she could make a piggyback graceful, "Because you are not that much taller than me."

"Get on me already." Santana snickered, "That sounded as dirty out loud as it did in my head."

Rachel slapped her arm playfully, "At least you didn't ask me to mount you." Quickly, before Santana could ask just that, Rachel hopped up and onto Santana's back, her legs wrapping around the other girl's waist she clung on for dear life. After a couple of seconds Rachel realised she had her eyes squeezed shut and opening them slowly she was please to find Santana had neither dropped her or crumpled under her, admittedly, small weight, "You're stronger than you look."

"That's what years of training with Coach Sylvester will do to you." Santana stated as she began to walk forward, her boots stomping away the weeds as much as possible.

Easing the tight grasp her arms had formed around the cheerleader Rachel relaxed, a goofy smile on her face as she let herself be carried the last of the distance, "I guess carrying little old me is nothing compared to throwing the other Cheerio's in the air."

"Actually, I'm a flyer."

Rachel blinked, her eyes falling on the back of Santana's head she frowned, "A flyer?"

"I'm normally the one getting thrown in the air." Santana explained with a laugh, her chuckle fading a little as she felt something swipe at her leg. Taking the last few steps they came to the end of the path and Santana carefully bent down to let Rachel slide off her back.

As soon as her feet touched the ground Rachel bent down to examined Santana's leg, her eyes wide and apologetic she ran her fingertips over a newly formed scratch running down the other girl's calf, "You're bleeding."

"It's nothing." Santana shrugged, the minor pain already forgotten as she helped Rachel back to her feet, "But if you are worried about me, feed me."

Rachel bit her lip in thought for a moment, then tugging Santana forward she headed towards the grass, her eyes roaming the vast expanse of green until she spotted something a few feet across from them. Taking Santana's hand she scampered towards a small stream that cut its way along through the greenery. She shrugged the heavy bag off her back and smiled as Santana quickly pulled out a blanket and tossed it down, her tired body following it gracefully.

"You made all of this?" Rachel asked in astonishment as she began pulling an assortment of containers from the bag and examining them.

Santana hummed in response as she reclined back and propped herself up on her elbows, her eyes following the food hungrily, "I can't believe I was so afraid of this." she blurted out suddenly, her cheeks flushing in embarrassment as Rachel looked up at her.

"Picnics?"

"No, not picnics." Santana chuckled as she pulled herself into a sitting position and took the container Rachel had in her hands. Placing it to one side she looked up and waved a hand between them, "This. I've always been so afraid of…everything, not just being with a girl but being with anyone. The thought of being so close to someone has always terrified me…but with you…"

"With me?" Rachel pushed, her hands fiddling together nervously on her lap as she felt her heart thudding heavily at the admission.

Santana bit her lip and with a tiny chuckle she replied, "It's not scary at all, I don't even know why I was so nervous. I mean, yeah okay I got us hopelessly lost and there is a chance we may have to build a fire and send smoke signals for help…"

Rachel laughed, "And they call me dramatic."

"But even then…it's just…it feels right being here, with you." Santana concluded, her confidence growing as Rachel shifted to sit next to her, the smaller girl's arms wrapping around shoulders as she leant for forward.

"I know exactly how you feel." Rachel whispered, her lips hovering about Santana's as she let her eyes drift shut.

Santana sighed happily as she tilted her head to meet Rachel's lips, raising one hand to stroke the other girl's cheek she let out a moan as Rachel took the opportunity to gently ease her backwards. Her back meeting the blanket Santana wrapped her arms around her girlfriend, holding her close as the kiss deepened and she felt Rachel sink into the embrace.

"Maybe being lost isn't so bad." Santana whispered with a smile as she pulled back and her eyes met Rachel's. "As long as you're here to find me."


	17. Chapter 17

Santana was sitting quietly observing the deserted park in front of her when she felt someone gently wrap their hands around her eyes. "You know that's a lot less surprising when we've arranged to meet here," She laughed, her eyes falling on her pouting girlfriend as she moved over to let Rachel sit down, "Also, I heard you singing to yourself."

Rachel crossed her arms, her pout threatening to turn into a smile, "Perhaps I was simply working on my own personal theme music."

Santana laughed as she shifted closer to Rachel, their legs bumping together as she handed Rachel one of the two coffees she had been keeping by her feet. Taking pleasure in the way the other girl's eyes lit up, she took a sip of her own drink.

"Mm mm…." Rachel sighed, almost to herself as she gulped down her first sip. It never failed to surprise her the tiny ways in which Santana would make her feel like the most important person in the world; leaving little post-it notes on her books, letting her choose the flavour of popcorn at the cinema, or going out of her way to pick up her favourite cup of coffee.

"Do you want me to leave and give you two a minute alone?" Gesturing between Rachel and her cup, Santana raised an eyebrow, "I'm starting to think I shouldn't give you this cookie." Brandishing the biscuit, she chuckled at the eager grin thrown her way, letting out a dramatic sigh she passed it to Rachel, "You only want me for my incredible taste in snacks."

Shrugging playfully, Rachel pretended to think about it as she snapped the cookie in two and passed half back to Santana, "It's true; you've discovered my one weakness." As she nibbled on her snack, Rachel giggled at the gentle shove she received. "How was your day anyway?"

"By that, I'm assuming you mean how was my first day as an official _Troubletone_?"

Looking down to the ground, Rachel shrugged, "You know I fully support your decision to transfer to Shelby's new choir. She is, after all, a nationally ranked show choir director with a wealth of knowledge and experience-"

"Rach..." Reaching out to take the smaller girl's hand, Santana didn't miss the sad smile cross her girlfriend's normally cheerful features as she dragged her gaze from the grass.

"We're not going to get to sing together," Rachel muttered eventually, a faint blush creeping across her cheeks as she fidgeted in her seat, "I mean…I know that, that we haven't told anyone about us, and I know that it's not as though if you had stayed in New Directions we would be stealing all the duets, and…" With a defeated sigh she shook her head, "It just would have been nice. I know there's still a chance that with Regionals coming up and the fact that neither choir has enough members that we _might_get a chance but… It's not the same."

Santana felt a pang of guilt and, biting her lip, she wished she hadn't eaten her cookie in two bites. She could have used the distraction right about now. Settling for fiddling with the cardboard cup in her hands instead, she nodded her head in agreement. The thing that sucked the most about defecting to The Troubletones wasn't just that she wouldn't get the chance to sing with Rachel, but that she had much fewer opportunities to hear the other girl sing; granted, Rachel still sang more in day to day life than anyone she had ever met, but it wasn't the same as seeing her day in, day out in the choir room. Seeing Rachel perform had always been an incredible thing, though Santana would never have admitted it before, and now she didn't even have the opportunity to be in the same room unless Mr Schue and Miss Corcoran decided to join the two groups.

"Sorry," Rachel whispered, "I didn't mean to kill the mood."

Santana shook her head, "No, no you didn't. I want to sing with you too." Placing her now empty cup on the bench beside her, she smiled, "I want us to be able to sing, _together,_and we will. And we will be a truck load of awesome."

"Well, obviously." Leaning over, Rachel hesitated, her smile flickering as her eyes nervously glanced around the park. There was no one around, the less than stellar weather seemingly keeping most people away, but it was still a public place. She had to admit that it hurt not being about to touch or kiss her girlfriend whenever she wanted to, but she understood and she knew the decision to fly under the radar wasn't because Santana was ashamed of her. She was so caught up in her thoughts that she didn't see Santana shift, the other girl smiling softly as she leaned over to close the gap, her lips meeting Rachel's. Pulling back slowly, Rachel couldn't hide the surprise on her face, "Santana?"

"That's actually what I want to talk to you about. I…I'm going to start telling people. About me. About us," Santana stated simply, her hands wring together nervously and betraying her calm exterior, a nervous habit she knew the other girl wouldn't miss. "I mean; I want to tell people. I-I thought maybe I'd start with Quinn? I think that…" Trailing off, Santana took a deep breath, trying to calm the nervous tremble of her hands, "I think she knows, or at least suspects so…I mean, it'll be easier. Right?"

Rachel was pretty certain that Quinn was not the only one with her suspicious, and she kind of figured Santana knew that too, "I'm sure it'll be fine." Biting her lip, she had to ask, "Are you sure you're ready? I don't want you to think that you have to do this because of me-"

"I don't," Santana replied as she edged closer to her girlfriend, "I'm just…I'm sick of hiding who I am, and okay, maybe I'm not ready to start wearing flannel or spending my weekends at the golf course-"

"Those are horrible stereotypes."

Santana chuckled at her girlfriend's interruption, "But I am ready to at least start taking steps to come out; even if they are tiny, tiny steps. Gotta start somewhere, right?" Santana gave a casual shrug, "Besides I'm pretty sure Quinn will mostly be excited that she's been right all these years."

"I'm really, really proud of you." Rachel beamed, her hands clenching at her side as she resisted the urge to leap on top her girlfriend. Newfound confidence or not, she had a feeling that there were probably still laws against the kind of things she wanted to do to her girlfriend right now in the middle of the park. She didn't have time to let her mind wander down that particularly dirty road though, as seconds later she felt Santana's arms wrap around her as she was pulled into a tight hug, her girlfriend's lips ghosting across the side of her neck. "Santana…" Rachel whispered, her arms hanging limply at her side in shock.

Santana laughed, hiding her huge smile against Rachel's shoulder. A beat passed before she added, "Hugs are usually, a two way thing."

Rachel grinned as she wrapped her arms around Santana and giggled. "So demanding."

The Fabray house had always been an imposing place, largely due to the overbearing presence of Quinn's father, but even with the knowledge that he no longer lived there, Santana still felt overwhelmed. She knew deep down, of course, that the feeling was nothing to do with the damn house and everything to do with the reason she was standing outside Quinn's front door. She could barely believe what she was about to do - to finally do, anyway - and lifting a shaking hand to knock on the large oak door, Santana was surprised to find herself smiling. Even with her legs literally shaking underneath her and a swarm of butterflies ripping around her stomach, she still actually felt good about coming out to Quinn.

"Hey."

Lifting her head from where she had been staring at the doormat, Santana returned the bright smile she was greeted with, "Hey yourself." Following Quinn into the house she casually tossed her jacket over the banister, her smile widening at the familiar gesture.

"Did you bring the movies?" Quinn asked as she flopped down onto the large sofa in the front room and kicked her feet up to rest on the coffee table in front.

Santana grinned as she pulled a handful of DVD's from her bag and tossed them on the table, "All your favourites." Casting her bag to one side, she followed Quinn's example and sank down into the sofa. She had to admit that Russell Fabray might have been an asshole, but the man knew his furniture. "Did you order the pizza?"

Quinn hummed in response as she leant forward and began sorting through the collection, "Thirty minutes or less." Grabbing a case that caught her eye, Quinn didn't bother to get Santana's approval as she hopped up and loaded the disc. She had to admit she had been expecting at least a little bit of an argument, in fact she had almost been looking forward to their banter over who got to pick first, so when she slid back into her seat, she shot her friend a concerned look, "You're not even going to try and stop me from making you watch _The Book of Eli _again?"

Santana hesitated. Her eyes drifting from where the movie had already begun to play, she weighed her options. She thought about making some kind of delayed quip, something obvious about Quinn and her taste in movies, but with all her nerves, her wit seemed to have failed. In fact, the only quips she could think to make involved Mila Kunis and a lot of NC-17 thoughts that Quinn did not need to hear.

"Santana?" Quinn asked, shifting in her seat to face her friend, legs tucked underneath her, "Are you okay?"

Almost on reflex, Santana scoffed and turned her head away from Quinn's concerned stare, the lie falling from her mouth before she could even think about it, "Fine. Why would-" Stopping herself short, Santana closed her eyes. She didn't even know why she felt the need to brush off the other girl's concern; it just came as second nature to deflect anything that might involve her having to talk about her feelings.

Quinn frowned as she watched Santana battling with herself. She felt her breath catch in her chest as she wondered if her friend was about to do what she been waiting for her to do for the past…Well, she'd lost count of the years. Shuffling closer to Santana, she reached out to take one of the other girl's hands. Threading their fingers together, she waited patiently. Even if she had been a hundred per cent sure about what Santana was trying to say, she knew that Santana need to be the one to say it, and in her own time.

"I need to tell you something." Santana said quietly, her eyes flickering open but staying glued to the coffee table. She didn't know why it was so hard, after all, she had all but joked about it with Rachel earlier. Taking a deep breath Santana fought to meet Quinn's eye. Her head was full of the million different speeches she had planned; the witty jokes and moving impassioned words, and yet none of them felt right.

Squeezing the other girl's hand, Quinn held her breath.

A few seconds passed before Santana finally managed to look at Quinn, her eyes a mixture of fear and determination, "I'm gay."

Hearing the two words Quinn froze, her jaw dropping at the confession. It took her a few seconds to recover, her mind a blur of emotions, and in those two seconds she saw Santana's defences spring into action. The other girl jolted suddenly, her hand twisting and pulling from the blonde's as she tried to free herself. She would have succeeded too, if Quinn hadn't snapped to her senses, "Wait, Santana…"

"Its fine," Santana exhaled, tears threatening to spill, "I-I should go I-"

"For fuck's sake," Quinn shouted, her booming voice echoing through the room and silencing Santana's protests. Taking advantage of her friend's shock, Quinn launched herself at the other girl, her hold on Santana's hand only breaking so she could wrap both her arms around her, her body half falling into Santana's lap as she hugged her tightly.

"You…you're not…you don't hate me?" Santana asked in surprise, her arms hanging at her sides as she felt Quinn's weight on top of her.

Quinn laughed in disbelief, "Of course I don't!" Pulling back to look at her friend, she found herself wiping tears from her cheek's, "I am so proud of you right now."

"You are?" Santana asked, her eyes lighting up. She could feel her heart hammering in her chest; the fear that had consumed her for those few, tense seconds following her confession beginning to slowly fade.

"More than you will ever know," Quinn answered honestly, her eyes sparkling as she grinned, "I-I know this wasn't easy for you and, thank you for telling me." Pausing, she hoped Santana realised how much it meant to her; the fact her friend trusted her with something so important meant the world to her, "I love you, you know that right?"

Santana found herself hesitating, waiting for some type of qualifier, a distinct – _not like that _– but it never came. She had just come out to Quinn Fabray, Quinn who was now basically sitting in her lap telling her she was proud of her and that she loved her. In the strange subdued beat that followed, Santana barely had to time to manage a strangled, "Damn it, Fabray," before bursting into tears, her arms reaching out to pull her friend into a bone-crushing hug. They stayed that way for a while, Santana clinging to Quinn as the blonde gently stroked her hair, her own tears dropping silently onto the girl's shoulder, "I love you too, you know?" Santana muttered as she eventually broke the embrace to wipe away the last of her tears, "Even if you make me cry like a bitch."

Sliding off of Santana's lap to sit on the couch, still comfortably snuggled into her friend's side, Quinn couldn't hide her curiosity, "You don't have to answer this, but…who else knows?"

"Well…Brittany obviously," She didn't miss the blonde's smug grin, and casting a sideways glance at the blonde they shared a knowing look. Santana faltered slightly, her unease showing as she continued, "And…and Rachel." A sudden flash of worry took over as she wondered if Quinn would be hurt that she had hidden such a big secret from her for so long and had ended up telling Rachel first.

"Rachel, huh?" Quinn mused, "Well…it makes sense I guess, with her Dads and everything and…" Trailing off she squinted her eyes as if debating something. A tiny grin creeping across her face, she turned suddenly, "Does that mean…so you and Rachel are together?"

Santana nodded curtly, not trusting herself with more than a simple, "Yes."

"Wow."

The one-word response wasn't exactly doing much to ease Santana's nerves, particularly since Quinn had taken to staring into space with an unreadable expression, "Is that…are you freaked out?"

Quinn chuckled, "Not as much as I thought I would be." Shifting to look up at Santana she continued, "And not because she's a girl, because she's…Rachel," As if cementing some kind of profound statement, she slowly repeated, "Rachel. Rachel Berry. And you, Santana. Santana Lopez."

"Oh god," Santana groaned as she palmed her hand against her forehead, "I broke you."

"I am not broken," Quinn argued, slapping Santana's hand away from her face, "I just….you're throwing a lot of information at me right here." Sitting up to cross her legs underneath her, the blonde mused, "Does she sing in her sleep?"

Santana froze. Eyebrows somewhere near her hairline, she slowly turned to Quinn in astonishment. "Seriously? I come out to you, I tell you I'm dating Rachel, and that is the only thing you can think about?"

"I've always wondered," Quinn said with a simple shrug, her expression shifting quickly as she held her hands up in a gesture of peace, "Not that I picture Rachel sleeping, or in bed."

"You better not," Santana growled, "Or I will ends you."

Resisting the urge to roll her eyes at Santana's trademark abuse of the English language, Quinn reached over and grabbed the remote control from the table to pause the movie. "You can invite her over if you want? I could call Brittany; we can have a girl's night."

Santana shook her head, even though it was a tempting offer, "Actually…I was kind of hoping we could keep it just us two tonight. I've missed you." She tried to ignore the heat flooding her cheeks, and, trying to cover it with a playful grin, she added, "A little bit." Holding up her hand, she held her thumb and forefinger close together, "Just a bit."

"Dork." Quinn giggled, her hand slyly capturing the cushion next to her and using it to thwack Santana with, the other girl's indignant huff only making her laugh more. "I missed you too, you know. A little bit."

Santana shot Quinn a toothy smile as she wrestled the cushion from her friend's grasp, "Obviously." Leaning against the arm of the sofa, she tucked the cushion out of her friend's reach and safely away from any more stealth attacks. Her next retort was cut off by the sound of her phone chirping from her pocket.

"Rachel?"

Santana shook her head as she pulled the phone from her jeans, "It's probably my Mom." Swiping her finger across the screen, she grimaced.

"Is-Is everything okay?" Quinn asked, trying to keep the worry from her voice. Her mind was busy coming up with all kinds of horrible scenarios before she realised Santana had twisted her phone to show her the message. She recoiled back as her eyes took in the picture on the phone, "What the hell is that?"

"Food, or at least it's supposed to be," Santana tried to chuckle as she quickly tapped out a reply to her Mom, the corners of her mouth still turned down in disgust, "Good thing I snuck in some Breadstix earlier. No way Mom is eating that crap they serve at the hospital."

"So, she's sending you pictures?" Quinn mused, her eyebrows knitted together in a frown as she added, "Are you even allowed cell phones in hospitals?"

Santana smirked, "Like that's going to stop a Lopez." Sliding her phone back into her pocket she explained, "And before you go off ranting about it interfering with the machines, she doesn't actually use it that often. In fact, she pretty much only uses it to send me gross pictures of her food. I visited her a couple of days ago and saw the crap they called lunch, and now she's pretty much on a mission to find the least edible thing known to man."

"Hence sneaking in the Breadstix?" Quinn smiled at the thought of Santana smuggling in an array of things for her Mother; she had a strange feeling that her friend would take it as a challenge to get things past the doctors and nurses.

"Exactly," Santana grinned, her smile widening as she continued, "Although I won't get the chance to do it much more. Mom says she spoke to her doctor and she should get the go ahead to come home by the end of the week."

"That's great news."

Santana nodded. She had been trying not to get too excited about her Mom's potential release from the hospital, mostly because she was more caught up in a kind of nervous anticipation than anything else. After all, the hospital had been the beginning of her Mom's recovery and, for all its faults, it was a safe place. The unknown was still ahead of them.

"She's going to be okay," Quinn reassured, her gentle voice cutting through Santana's thoughts. She could see the worry spreading across her friend's face and it wasn't hard to read Taking one of Santana's hands in her own, she added, "And you know, if you need anything, I'm here for you."

"I know, the never-ending stream of voicemails and texts kind of solidified that." Santana quipped, the usual carefree snap behind her words spluttering and failing. Quinn, as well as Brittany, had both taken to calling her on a regular basis, and although they never overtly stated it, Santana knew it was their way of gently reminding her that she wasn't alone in any of this. She didn't want to shrug it off so casually, but as always her mouth was ahead of her brain.

Luckily for her, Quinn merely smiled and tightened her grip on Santana's hand.

"Thank you," Santana finally managed, her eyes drifting to the blonde, "Rachel said she'll come with me to pick my Mom up when we know what's happening and my Mom said she should stay the night. Maybe…you could come too if you want? And Britts? We could do girls night, like you wanted, and it'd be good to have you guys there. You know, in case- in case anything happens."

Quinn wanted to reassure Santana that nothing would happen, but even though she was positive it wouldn't, she knew Santana didn't need to hear any more empty words and promises. "Of course I'll be there."

Santana exhaled slowly, her hand trembling in Quinn's, "Thanks." Suddenly aware of the increasingly heavy atmosphere, and not wanting to dwell too much of the dark thoughts that tended to plague her when she spent any length of time worrying about her Mom, she tried to lighten the mood, "Although I will not be getting pizza from wherever the hell you've ordered from. Seriously, we better be getting this for free."

"You're kind of impatient." Quinn pointed out, even as she glared at the clock gracing the wall above the television.

"I'm kind of hungry," Santana corrected, in the same instance Quinn's stomach rumbled loudly, "And I'm not the only one." Pushing herself up from the couch, Santana stretched her arms above her head, letting the tension drain from her, "Snacks?" She didn't wait for Quinn to answer, instead choosing to dodge around the sofa and head to the kitchen.

Quinn stayed seated, her back arching against the sofa as she stretched, "Bring me some chips. No wait, pretzels. You know where they are."

Santana stomped back into the room a few minutes later and flopped back down in her previous seat. She tossed an almost empty bag of pretzels at Quinn with a pout but resisted the urge to cross her arms over her chest and sulk, "You're out of Cheetos."

Shoving a handful of salty pretzels in her mouth and muffling the rest of her sentence, Quinn tilted her head back in the direction of the kitchen, "There's a whole bag in there."

Santana shook her head as she leant over and stole one of Quinn's pretzels, looking at the snack with contempt, "Empty."

"I knew I shouldn't have left Puck alone in the kitchen. That is the last time I have everyone over," Quinn narrowed her eyes. She knew for a fact that Puck was the only one who would have had the chance to raid her food supplies, and as she finished off what was left of what had been her favourite snack. she was already formulating ways to make him suffer. "Stupid group assignments."

"You're holding Glee meetings now?"

"Huh?" Snapping out of her increasingly cartoon based ideas of revenge, Quinn rolled her eyes, "Oh, yeah, Mr Schue's got us doing mash-ups again, so some of the guys came over to try and piece something together." Tossing the empty bag on the table, Quinn sighed, "It kind of sucks without you there, you know."

Santana scoffed.

"I'm serious," One hand gesturing wildly in Santana's direction, Quinn turned to her friend and curled her legs underneath herself, "Without you there, there isn't anyone to veto Mr Schue's awful song choices. The other day he genuinely suggested that we try and work out _another_ Journey medley. If I have to hear _Don't Stop Believing _one more time, I swear to God I am going to make him eat that piano." She figured it would be best not to bring up the time she resorted to hiding Mr Schue's sheet music in her locker, "And I mean, normally Rachel does a pretty good job of taking control, but she's basically on strike, which is totally understandable, but without her to suggest other songs…we're kind of sinking."

"Because, none of you have ever heard any music before…"

"You know what I mean," Slapping Santana's arm, Quinn glared at the unimpressed girl. "Not to mention Brittany is refusing to work on any choreography in protest, none of us will speak to Finn or Artie, no-one's fighting over solos, and I'm pretty sure that everyone is so focused on all the drama that, apart from Rachel, they haven't given any time to the fact that we don't have enough members to compete."

"You didn't have enough members _before_I left," Santana pointed out, "How bad is your math?"

Quinn growled, shaking a loose fist at her friend she slumped back against the couch in defeat. She had been so sure that this year was going to be their year, the year they finally proved to everyone that they deserved the respect and recognition afforded to everyone else. It was their final year; she wanted it to count for something.

Taking pity on the crestfallen expression on Quinn's face Santana revealed, "I overheard Mr Schue and Miss Corcoran talking the other day. I'm pretty sure they want to merge The Troubletones and The New Directions together for competitions. We have more than enough members between us, plus some of the Cheerios Sugar managed to convince to join are actually pretty fucking awesome, s so we'd have a good chance of winning."

"And, you would be okay with that?" Quinn asked as she perked up, her hands clasped together as she held them to her chest almost in prayer.

Unknowingly echoing Quinn's earlier thoughts, Santana continued, "I want this year to count; I want _us_to count. So if that's the only way that we get to compete, then yeah, I guess I have to be." Pausing, Santana tried to collect her thoughts. She had a while to think about it, but it didn't mean that the thought of setting foot back in that choir room with her old choir was any easier, "I'm not saying I'm okay with everything that went down between me and everyone else, and I'm not saying I'm going to come back to The New Directions, but, I'm not about to let all that crap stand in the way of us taking home a big ass trophy."

"And a big ass cheque," Quinn added with a sly grin, "And a National title."

"Exactly," Santana agreed, already envisioning Rachel's face as she lifted the trophy they had missed out on last year, "Besides, we get three songs so that's one for you guys, one for us, and one horribly awkward collaboration. Plus I think I can deal with Tubbs the Clown and Wheels if it means I get to spend time with you and Britts again."

Brightening up at the idea, Quinn clapped her hands together, a cheeky grin crossing her features, "And Rachel, of course." She laughed at the blush that crept across her friend's features.

"Right," Santana fought back her smile as she fiddled nervously with her bracelet, "She was talking earlier about how she wants us to sing together and, I don't want to get her hopes up y'know? I-"

"_Her_hopes?"

Rolling her eyes, Santana corrected herself, "Okay, _we_ don't want to get _our_hopes up."

Quinn nodded in understanding. "Because it might not happen."

"There is so much that could go wrong." The list of things that crowded Santana's head only seemed to grow bigger every time she thought about what would happen if the collaboration went ahead. She could hear the anger seeping into her words, "And even if it does go _right_, that doesn't mean Rach and I will get to sing together anyway. It's not exactly like I can get up there with her and sing some sappy love song."

"So, maybe you're not there yet," Quinn stated thoughtfully as she placed a calming hand on Santana's shoulder. She hated seeing her friend so beat up over something she was striving to deal with; she had seen the fear in Santana's eyes right before she had come out to her and she knew beyond a question of doubt how hard she trying to be comfortable with her sexuality, "But you will be, and until you are, there's a whole heap of songs you could sing together. Surely one of the benefits of dating Rachel Berry has got to be that the girl knows every song ever written, right?"

"Right," Santana smiled, the faith her friend had in her calming her anger and reminding her of her own words earlier; tiny steps. She might not be ready to scream it from the rooftops, or parade across the stage singing her love for Rachel, but that didn't seem to matter so much now. She was happy, she was in love, and she had people who accepted her for who she was. The rest would come later. "Has anyone ever told you you're kind of awesome?"

"All the time," Quinn replied seriously. Hearing the doorbell chime, she grinned, "And since I'm so awesome…bring me pizza." She chuckled at the playful glare shot in her direction as Santana surprisingly sprung to her feet and headed to the door. She had been expecting her friend to argue with her, but leaning over the back of the couch, she could hear Santana arguing with the delivery boy instead. Quinn couldn't make out much of what was being said, but it wasn't long before Santana returned with a victorious smirk.

Dropping two boxes down onto the coffee table, Santana sunk back into her seat, "Thirty minutes or less my perfectly shaped ass." She opened the first box and carefully shoved it in Quinn's direction, "Also, seriously – extra, extra bacon?"

"With extra bacon," Quinn pointed out as she picked up a slice of her pizza, the cheese refusing to separate from the rest of the pie, "And extra melted cheese." She watched as Santana flipped open the second box and grabbed a slice, wasting no time in taking a huge bite. Mouth full, Santana moaned in pleasure and gave Quinn an appreciative thumbs up. "I will never understand your love of anchovies."

Santana's eyes widened as a million dirty jokes flooded her brain, and, choking back her laughter, she barely managed to swallow the rest of her mouthful. Earning a confused look from Quinn, she opted to gesture to the television, "Don't you want to finish the movie?"

Quinn nodded enthusiastically, and using the remote to restart the movie, she started on her second slice of pizza. She was only two bites in before she turned to eye Santana suspiciously.

"What?" Santana mumbled, her focus never drifting from the screen as she devoured her food.

"You only let me watch this because Mila Kunis is in it, don't you?"

Santana grinned as she leant back, "Like you only just figured that out."


	18. Chapter 18

The nerves didn't hit Santana fully until she was leading her Mother out of the hospital. She'd been anxious of course, in the days leading up to her Mom's release but the undeniable fear hadn't truly hit until they had stepped through the glass doors, out of the hospital, and into the outside world. She was grateful that Rachel had offered to drive, because with the way her hands were shaking there was no way she would have been to. It had been enough of a push to simply make her way to her Mom's room to help her collect her things.

Twisting her hands together nervously as her eyes flitted between her Mom and Rachel, Santana took a deep, calming breath. All she could think about was the first time she had introduced them to each other and how badly that had gone. Images of her Mother's disinterest, and Rachel's awkward rejection, were still crystal clear in her mind and as her teeth gnawed her bottom lip she tried to remember that things were different now. "Mom," Santana began trying to muster up enough confidence to at least sound in control of the situation, "You remember Rachel Berry." Even though her Mom knew Rachel was going to be coming with her to pick her up, and even though her Mom had suggested that Rachel stay the night, Santana still felt the need to break the ice. "Rachel, my Mom, Marianna."

Much like before Rachel flashed Marianna a huge smile and extended her hand to greet the older woman. "It's nice to meet you again," she said sincerely, all thoughts of their previous meeting pushed from head, though she could practically hear Santana thinking about it. She wished she could reach over and take one of Santana's shaking hands in her own.

Marianna let out a quiet, relived, sigh. It wasn't that she had been expecting her daughter's friend to do or say anything negative, especially after the number of things Santana had told her about this Rachel Berry, but part of her had still been nervous. After all, she had dismissed the teenager with barely any acknowledgement before. Taking a step forwards, Marianna offered a smile and clasping Rachel's outstretched hand she shook it. "It's very nice to meet you again too Rachel, especially since this one over here has been talking about you non-stop."

"Mom…" She tried to sound embarrassed, but the goofy grin that lit up her face made it clear that Santana was more than happy seeing her Mom and Rachel talking together, a scene that only a few weeks ago she never thought she'd see. She was still getting used to the idea of having her Mom back in her life but moments like this made it that much easier, and the normality of the situation was only broken by the fact that they were lingering at the entrance of the hospital.

"It's okay," Rachel chimed in, "You can talk about how great I am whenever you like."

Sticking out her tongue Santana couldn't help but chuckle at the angelic smile she was met with, Rachel even going so far as to flutter her eyelashes. "Okay," Turning to her Mom, she managed to quickly steal the overnight bag from the woman's hand and sling it over her back in one smooth motion, before pointing left. "The car is this way and unless we want to sell it to pay for the parking charges, we should get going."

"Yes Ma'am." Offering a quick salute Rachel turned and began walking towards her car, already delving through her oversized bag for her keys.

Santana followed, trying to keep her eyes off of the expanse of leg that Rachel's short skirt offered, which proved to be a lot easier to do with her Mom walking by her side. She even managed to keep her mind in a respectable place watching Rachel gracefully slide into the driver's seat. In fact as Rachel manoeuvred the car through the streets of Lima, Santana was pretty proud of herself for getting through an entire car ride with only taking one quick, super discreet, ogle of Rachel and her low cut top.

"We're here," Rachel called out unnecessarily as she slowed the car to a stop in front of the Lopez house, which somehow seemed much less intimidating now than the times she had been there before.

"Thank you Rachel," Marianna said as she unclipped her seatbelt. She still couldn't believe Santana had willingly given up the chance the ride shotgun, and did not for one minute believe her daughter's jokes about being seen in a Prius. "I really appreciate it."

"Happy to help."

"Okay," Santana interrupted, rolling her eyes playfully at the overly polite exchange as she waited for a Mom to get out of the car. She really did not like getting stuck sitting in the back with the whole two-door system and jiggling the seat slightly she added, "¡Vamos, Mami!"

"Patience is a virtue," Rachel sang as she heard Marianna chuckle.

Santana nodded in agreement. "One which you both know, I do not possess."

"She speaks the truth," Marianna said as she opened the car door. Hauling her bag off of her lap and onto her shoulder she slid out of the car but paused, and dipping back down to look at Rachel she asked, "Are you coming in? I was thinking of making some coffee."

"I'd love some coffee but I told Quinn and Brittany I'd pick them up," Rachel said as she watched Santana quickly slip out of the backseat, worming her way into the front seat with a relieved sigh. "It shouldn't take long though, well… assuming Brittany isn't having any Lord Tubbington related mishaps. Save me a cup?"

Marianna smiled, "Will do. Good luck with Lord…"

"Tubbington," Santana supplied, with a chuckle at the bemused look she was met with in return.

"Right, probably safest not to ask huh?"

From behind Santana, Rachel nodded vigorously. She had never come face to face with the beast but both Tina and Mercedes had filled her in on the details. Quickly making a note to pick up Quinn first, Rachel gave Santana a gentle shove to hurry her out of the car, she knew the other girl was nervous about her Mom being out of the hospital so she wanted to minimise the amount of time they were apart. "I'll be back as soon as I can, okay?"

"Okay," Santana murmured as she kept one eye on her Mom and waited for her to make her way to the front door. When she was certain that she was focused on unlocking the door, Santana let out a heavy sigh, she had hoped that her nerves would have settled at least a little bit on the drive over, but if anything they were worse than ever. She smiled as she felt Rachel's hand slide across her forearm, nimble fingers dancing across her skin and giving a reassuring squeeze, and turning to look at her girlfriend she hoped Rachel knew how grateful she was for her help. Casting a quick glance to make sure her Mom was still distracted, Santana leant forward and closing the already small space between them she drew her into a chaste kiss, lips still pressed against Rachel's as she whispered, "Thank you."

Rachel smiled as they reluctantly separated; already missing the warmth of Santana's skin against hers she prayed that Quinn and Brittany were not going to keep her any longer than necessary. She distinctly remembered telling them to be ready and waiting for her, and if either of them caused her to be away from Santana when she needed her the most, she was going to have a diva-tantrum of epic proportions. "You won't even know I'm gone," Rachel said, her eyes following Santana as she slowly got out of the car.

Santana let her teeth gnaw into her bottom lip as she gave Rachel a doubtful look. "Okay, see you in a bit… Don't let Brittany's sister drag you into one of her _Singstar _battles and make sure Quinn doesn't forget to bring those DVDs I let her borrow." Easing the door shut she had to laugh at the little salute Rachel offered before pulling away, offering a wave of her own she waited until the car was out of sight before heading inside.

Slipping through the front door Santana took a second to collect herself, she didn't want her Mom to know how nervous she was, but as she edged past the living room and headed toward the kitchen, a familiar sound made her stomach drop. She had heard the rattling of bottles too many times to count and as Santana hurried into the kitchen she came to a shuddering stop. "What are you doing?" Seeing her Mom hunched over the liquor cabinet was one thing, but the fact she was already clutching a bottle of something in her hand was enough to make her feel sick.

"It's not what it looks like," Marianna stated calmly. She hated seeing the heartbroken look on her daughters face and hurrying over to the sink she quickly tipped the liquid down the sink. "I wanted to get rid of it before, well… before you could see. I'm sorry; I didn't mean to scare you. I just- I needed to do now."

"It's… it's okay," Santana managed as she came to stand by her Mom. "I mean, it's better than okay, it's great." Looking up hopefully her smile widened as her Mom reached for another bottle and emptied it down the drain. As they stood together and watched the liquid flow away Santana finally felt her nerves begin to settle.

Tossing the last of the empty bottles into the bin Marianna exhaled loudly, her eyes briefly fluttering shut before opening to look at her daughter. It didn't exactly take a lot of deduction skills to see how anxious Santana was, how anxious she had been from the second she had stepped foot in the hospital room earlier. "It's going to be okay," Marianna said as she tentatively reached out and smoothed a stray hair behind her daughter's ear. It felt strange, being unsure of how to act around her own daughter, but she didn't want to push anything too soon, even though she wanted nothing more than to pull her into a tight hug. She needn't have worried though, as she felt Santana's arms wrap around her and, catching a brief glimpse of a watery smile, Marianna enveloped her daughter into her arms. Dropping a kiss on the top of Santana's head she sighed, "I love you Ana."

"Love you too, Mom." Santana whispered as she gave one last squeeze and let go.

Sniffing back tears Marianna clapped her hands together; trying to ease some of the tension she turned back to one of the nearby cupboards and began rummaging through the contents. "Rachel will be back soon with the others, how about I get some coffee going and you dig out some of those movies you were talking about the other day?"

"Sounds like a plan," Santana said as she tried to remember whether any of her movies were in the right case. It seemed unlikely, and knowing the daunting task that lay ahead she quickly scurried out of the kitchen, a cheerful bounce in her step as she thundered up the stairs praying that at least one of her favourite movies had made it back to its original packaging.

Ten minutes into her search, when she realised nothing was where it was supposed to be, she could practically hear Rachel's smug voice telling her she should have listened to her when she suggested alphabetising her collection. The thought alone was enough to make her laugh, and tossing another case down on a mounting pile Santana shook her head. Rachel was right, as always, but there was no way she was ever going to tell her that of course. Collapsing back onto her bed Santana heard a knock at her door. "Come in, Mom."

Opening the door Marianna let out a long whistle at the chaos she was greeted with.

"I know," Santana said simply as she made no attempt to sit up. "It's a lost cause, I'm admitting defeat."

"It does seem more like something that would require a team effort," Marianna joked, her good mood fading slightly as she fiddled nervously with the hem of her shirt. "Listen, I wanted to talk to you about something before your friends get here…"

"Okay…"

"I spoke to your grandparents earlier today," Marianna said as she stayed lingering in the doorway to Santana's room, her shoulder leaning against the wooden frame as she smiled softly at her daughter. "Christmas is only a few months away and I thought that-"

Sitting up from where she had been laying across her bed, Santana tensed. She had been so wrapped up in the drama of everything lately that she hadn't even thought about the dates, she always planned to get her tickets to Puerto Rico early, wanting to avoid the Christmas rush and guarantee a seat with a good airline. "I- I completely forgot to buy my ticket I-"

"It's okay," Marianna said as she stepped into Santana's room. Her eyes scanned the black walls and although she knew most parents would be displeased with their child's choice of colour, she had to admit Santana had made it look good. "I arranged everything with your Abuelo; you don't have to worry about a thing."

"Oh." Dropping her head slightly Santana wondered whether she should just be grateful that her Mom was at least well enough to organised everything. She should have realised that because things were getting better, it didn't mean they were back to anything resembling normal. "Thanks."

Marianna smiled as she perched on the edge of the bed, and twisting to look at her daughter she explained, "Your grandparents are really looking forward to seeing how much Lima's changed. It's been a long time, after all."

Santana nodded robotically, her mind lagging behind the words. "Wait," Santana barked, head snapping up in shock as she stared in disbelief. "What? You mean…"

Clasping her hands together in her lap to hide her nerves she offered a crooked smile. "They're going to fly in a few days before Christmas Eve and head back after New Year's." Marianna bit her lip as she brought her eyes up to meet Santana's, still unsure of whether she had made the right decision. They hadn't spoken about the holidays at all during her stay in hospital, but after speaking to her parents she had been reassured that this was the right thing to do. She might not be able to get back the time they had wasted, the Christmases and birthdays they had lost, but she could try and start fresh.

"Mami…" Trailing off Santana wondered if she had lost the ability to form coherent thoughts. Suddenly flinging herself forward, she caught them both off guard, by flinging her arms around her Mom and pulling her in to a bone crushing hug. Squeezed against her Mom she whispered, "Thank you."

Marianna closed her eyes tightly, only opening them again when she felt Santana break the hug. "I – I'm not sure that I'm up to cooking, but I thought maybe we could book a table somewhere? I know how much you love BreadSticks, or there's that new place over on Main. We could even head up to Toledo or-"

"Whatever you decide will be perfect," Santana said as she sat back cross-legged and looked up at her Mother with a smile.

"And… I thought, maybe, you would like to invite Rachel." Eyeing her daughter with a knowing smile she added, "I know she's Jewish but it would be nice if she could be there with us. I know your Abuela is very excited to meet the girl you've been talking about so much, Abuelo too."

Ducking her chin to hide the blush on her cheeks Santana laughed, she had spent most of her time on the phone telling her grandparents everything about Rachel. Well, almost everything. Her smile faded as she wondered whether her grandparents would be so excited to meet Rachel if they knew she was more than a friend. Fiddling with the cuff of her sleeve Santana sighed, she didn't even know how her Mom was going to react let alone anyone else. She had only just gotten her family back and she was already faced with the possibility that she might lose everything as quickly as she had recovered it.

Marianna frowned as she watched Santana's smile fade. "I haven't spoken to your father about anything yet, well nothing definite anyway but…"

Closing her eyes Santana resisted the urge to flop back down on the bed and curl into a ball. She hadn't even begun to start sorting through the mess that was her relationship with her Dad and throwing that drama on top of everything else was enough to make Santana nauseous.

"…I'm sure he'll want to be there," Marianna continued optimistically even if her body language betrayed her voice, her hands wringing together nervously in her lap as she tried to get Santana to look at her. "He's been asking about you."

Finally opening her eyes Santana eyed her Mom warily. She found it next to impossible to believe that she had been more than a fleeting thought in her Father's daily life in a very long time. "He has?"

"He has." Marianna knew Santana had every right to be doubtful but she still flinched at the scepticism, a painful reminder of how hurt the girl sitting in front of her was, of how they had only just started to repair the damage inflicted. "I know it might not seem like it, but he's worried about you. He-"

"- has a funny way of showing it," Santana interrupted, her voice cold and hard. Realising how defeated she looked she forced herself to sit up straight. She was about to launch into a well-rehearsed, and not at all true, rant about how much she simply didn't want to talk about how her Dad was, when the sound of the doorbell cut her off. "I should get that," she said and quickly jumping up off the bed she tried to ignore the disappointed look her Mom cast her way. She made it all the way to the door before the guilt made her cave and pausing in the doorway she turned to meet her Mom's gaze. She tried to smile but managed little more than a grimace as she mumbled, "I- I'll talk to him, okay?"

"Thank you," Marianna said as she walked over to stand by her daughter. "I know this is hard for you Ana, and I know it may not seem like it, but… he _is_ trying."

Santana stayed quiet, she knew it wouldn't help to argue, to point out that she had seen none of these supposed attempts to try and make things better. She could hear Rachel banging on the front door and knowing her girlfriend was probably starting to panic a little she gave her Mom a little nod before leaving the room and bolting down the stairs. She pushed all thoughts of her Father to the furthest corner of her mind as she heaved the front door open and tried to force a smile to her face.

"We brought snacks," Brittany shouted as she all but ploughed her way past Santana, dragging Quinn in her wake, "And all the _Harry Potter_ movies. I brought them from crazy-Larry down at the bus shelter last week in exchange for my shoes."

"You know where the TV is," Santana said, not even batting an eyelid at her friend's statement. She waited for the two blondes to disappear into the living room before turning to Rachel, who looked more than a little bemused. "She's kidding," Santana explained, "Probably."

Rachel managed a small, relieved, smile that didn't last long as she heard Quinn's voice drift through the house.

"Brittany… Are these even in English?"

Santana sniggered, it wouldn't be the first time she had ended up sitting through a movie in a language she didn't speak, but to be fair to Brittany _Finding Nemo_ had been just as funny in Polish. She rolled her eyes as she heard her two friends begin to bicker. "We should probably do something…"

"I suppose," Rachel replied, not exactly overjoyed at the fact she wasn't going to get any time alone with her girlfriend. She hadn't missed the forced sense of calm Santana seemed to be hiding behind and, trying to be discreet, she leant closer to her girlfriend and taking her hand in her own she gave it a comforting squeeze. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Santana looked down. "No," she said with a shake of her head, "Not right now. But… later?" Giving Rachel's hand a quick tug she led her towards where she could hear her other friend's. "For now, I just want to curl up with my girlfriend, watch some movies and eat more snacks than humanly possible."

Rachel briefly considered pressing the issue, but knowing how hard the day had been she relented. Santana would talk about it when she was ready and that was all she needed. "Okay." Giving her girlfriend's hand a gentle pull she eased them to a stop just outside the living room and obscured by the doorway she took a step closer, enjoying the feel of Santana's arms instinctively wrapping around her shoulders.

Santana grinned and looking down at Rachel she couldn't resist leaning in, lips grazing across the smoothness of her girlfriend's cheek before slowly drawing the other girl in to a kiss. She sighed as she felt Rachel melt into her, the smaller girl's arms curled tightly around her waist, bringing their bodies together. Santana wished they could stay like this forever, but no sooner had the thought crossed her mind than a loud bang forced them to spring apart.

"Brittany, I swear to god…" Santana heard Quinn grumble, the blonde's displeasure only met with a cheerful. "I didn't break anything this time!" Santana laughed and giving Rachel a playful shove they finally made it into the living room.

They were so lost in each other that neither of them thought to spare a glance behind them, and neither of them saw Marianna; her shoulders tense and body frozen in shock as she stared at the space where her daughter had been.


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N - I know it has been an unbelievably long time since I last updated this story. I'm sorry about the unintentional hiatus but I've had a lot of things to deal with recently and writing had to take a backseat to that, but I won't bore you with all the details. **

**Thanks to everyone who has stuck with me, I'm grateful to anyone still reading this story and for all your patience. **

Santana sighed as she slumped down on the bright orange cafeteria chair, her back immediately protesting at the hard plastic greeting. She had actually expected the hospital to rely on a higher quality of chair than the ones at McKinley but if anything they were worse. Shuffling awkwardly she knew there was no way she was ever going to get comfortable but she was at least a little grateful for the distraction, if she checked the time on her phone once more she was going to go crazy.

Her plan had seemed so simple. All she wanted to do was talk to her Father, and what better place than at work? She knew exactly where he was going to be and there was no chance he could avoid her. Or at least that's what she had thought. It had quickly become clear however, that her plan was not as fool proof as she had hoped, if the number of answered calls and pages were anything to go by. At first she had believed that he was busy, he was after all, a doctor but she had managed to sweet-talk Jen at reception enough to work out that he was not in surgery and that they were no major emergencies he could have been called to. It was only after she had bribed Jen with a cup of non-hospital coffee, that she managed to pin-point his lunch break and her only opportunity to catch her Father before he resorted to avoiding her again.

Santana let her eyes roam across the cafeteria, her heart suddenly pounding in her chest as she saw her Father. It was late in the afternoon but there were still enough people there that she didn't have to worry about her Dad seeing her and making a run for it. She watched as he took a seat at a table across the room, tossing his pager down on the table next to his coffee.

"Okay, you can do this," Santana whispered to herself as she unnecessarily tugged at the cuff of her jacket. "You can do this."

She was glad that her Dad had sat with his back to her, if only because it gave her more time to compose herself as she strode the short distance from her table to his. Shoving her trembling hands into the pockets of her jacket Santana took a deep breath as she came to a stop by her Dad's table. For a brief, horrifying moment she thought her voice was going to fail, her throat so tight and constricted she barely managed to choked out her question, "Anyone sitting here?" Nodding to the empty chair opposite him she tried to ignore the terrified look her presence received, and instead quickly slid into the vacant seat, not giving him time to reject her.

"I-… What are you doing here?"

Placing her hands on the table Santana resisted the urge to wring her hands together; she had no intention of letting her Dad see how anxious she truly was. "I've been waiting for you, for four hours." Glancing at the pager sitting on the table between them she shook her head. "You got my messages then?"

"I've been busy."

Santana gave a short nod at the clipped words, her eyes meeting her fathers she mustered enough courage to not look away, to not let him get away with using the same tired lie time and time again. She was done avoiding everything, even if her father wasn't. "Okay, but it's been how many years? Maybe it's time to stop using that as an excuse."

"I-I…" Stumbling over his words Marcus stared in disbelief at his daughter before reaching out to snatch his pager up from the table. He couldn't bear the weight of her gaze on him, and struggling to fix the pager to his belt he shook his head. "I- I have to get back to work."

Her father's actions, his words, were so predictable that Santana almost allowed herself to laugh at the routine. It was as if he were reading from a script, his well-rehearsed lies falling from his mouth seemingly on instinct. She wondered how long it had taken him to perfect the robotic responses, how many weeks or months after Yara's death he had spent repeating them. She wondered if he believed them now. "No, you don't. Can we just-"

"I don't have time," Marcus said quickly. Unable to bring himself to look at his daughter he settled for offering her a shrug as he abruptly stood and made a point of checking his pager. He prayed for it to go off, his conscience clouded at the horrible thought that he was praying for some kind of medical emergency to allow him to tear himself way from having to talk to Santana. He couldn't even remember the last time they had had a conversation, but the longer she sat in front of him the harder it was to ignore the guilt bubbling inside of him.

"Yes, you do." Santana said firmly, her hands clenched on the edge of the table as she tried to control her emotions. She needed her father to understand that she was serious, she wanted to be calm and in control, she wanted to be able to sit down and have a civilised conversation but if she couldn't even get him to sit with her so had no idea how she was supposed to accomplish anything.

Marcus sighed as he lifted his hand to rub the side of his face, the rough stubble scratching against the smoothness of his palm he slowly sank back down into his seat. Keeping his eyes on the table he let the dim noise of the cafeteria fill the silence between himself and Santana, even though she was only on the opposite side of the small table the gulf between them felt infinite. His mind filled with unasked questions, from little things like when she had decided to get her ears pierced, to whether she had ever decided to try out for the track team like she had always wanted to as a child, to how things were at home with her Mom but it felt as if his tongue was glued to the roof of his mouth, his jaw wired shut.

"Mom has her first appointment with her new therapist today," Santana said, she hesitated before adding, "She doesn't know I'm here."

"Why didn't you tell her?" Finally lifting his gaze from the table he frowned. He had assumed Marianna would at least be aware of their daughter's plan, if not the one who suggested it.

Santana shrugged, and fidgeting in her seat she realised she didn't really know why she hadn't told her Mom about her plan. She had convinced herself that she didn't want to bother her Mom with it but now, sitting with her father she realised it wasn't that at all.

"Does she not want you to see me?"

Shaking her head Santana quickly replied, "No, no it's not that at all. I just…" The words were on the tip of her tongue, the sudden clarity taking her by surprise and sounding more than a little harsh even in the safety of her own head.

Marcus stayed quiet and watched his daughter, his eyes roaming across her features that were so familiar yet so altered. The innocence of the child he remembered seemingly lost within a teenager much older than her years.

"Mom… she said that you, you were trying," Santana began carefully, her head dipped down as she continued; "I wanted to talk to you, to see if she was telling the truth. I-I…" She almost felt her face drain of her colour as her voice fell to barely above a whisper, "I didn't believe her."

Grimacing at the revelation Marcus sunk back into his chair. He couldn't blame his daughter for being sceptical but hearing those words still hurt, and whilst his brain screamed at him to plead his case, to try and convince Santana that he was trying, he could only mumble a half-hearted deflection. "Your Mom and I, everything is… well, it's complicated."

"I know that," Santana snapped as she leant forward in her seat, arms planted on the table she watched her father sink further away from her. She hated being spoken down to, and though she knew her Dad probably hadn't meant it to seem so condescending, it had. But what she hated even more was her father's complete inability to speak to her like she was his daughter, to acknowledge the fact that she had been there every torturous step of the way. "I don't need you to tell me things are complicated, I came here because I needed to know if you even want to try and sort this whole goddamn mess of a family out. Mom is telling me you're trying, that freaking perky receptionist is telling me you're showing pictures of me to the rest of the staff but here you are, sitting right in front of me acting like I'm some fucking idiot you'd rather have security throw out the front door."

"San-"

"I should never have come here, it was a stupid idea," Santana muttered as she sagged back against the plastic chair, her anger quickly evaporating.

A heavy silence hung between them and Marcus found his next words tumbling from him almost unwittingly. "You spoke to Jen?" With a confused frown he caught Santana's eye, "The perky-receptionist, you're talking about Jen, right?"

Crossing her arms Santana huffed. "Yeah, so?"

"Her brother and his wife have a little girl, Caroline, she turned eleven last week and she's already talking about joining glee club when she starts at McKinley."

Narrowing her eyes in confusion Santana tossed her hair over her shoulder as she repeated, "So?"

"So… I showed Jen a picture of you performing at regionals last year, of you _winning_ regionals last year," Smiling timidly Marcus reached into the pockets of his scrubs and pulled out his wallet. It was a tatty old thing, that had definitely seen better days, but it was also the last present he had received from his daughters the Christmas before the accident.

Santana watched as he carefully flipped the cracked leather open to dig something out of one of the compartments, a smile flickering across her features as she recognised the beaten up leather. She remembered how her Mom had spent most of Christmas Eve traipsing around after her and Yara as they ran from store to store searching for the perfect gift for their Dad.

Finally freeing the photograph Marcus handed it to his daughter. "I… I found it on the computer in the office."

"Rachel's Dad took it," Santana said as she stared down at the image, trying to wrap her head around the fact her Father carried this around with him. "Actually he took hundreds of them and Rachel sent everyone single one of them to the entire club. This… it's my favourite it."

"You look happy."

Santana smiled as she nodded. The photo itself wasn't anything spectacular; Rachel was waving the trophy over her head while the rest of them cheered, and hugged and generally made idiots out of themselves. The thing that made it her favourite was that every time she looked at it she remembered the split second she had felt completely and totally happy. Standing on that stage, knowing she was doing something she loved, that she was going to _Nationals_ with her friends, had been enough to forget all the horrible things that were going on in her life, if only for a moment.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there."

Passing the photo back to her Dad, Santana felt her smile fade. "You mean at Regionals, or in general?"

"That's not fair, Santana. You know as well I as I do that-"

"Yeah, you're right. I do know, but I also know it isn't fair that I've spent most of my life without either of my parents. I also know that you've had every goddamn opportunity to 'be there' and you've never once tried. So why now?" Her voice shook with the sheer effort of confronting her Dad, memories flooding back to her of all the times she had prayed for her Dad to show even the slightest hint of the man he had once been. "Why not after Mom tried to kill herself? Or, here's a crazy thought, how about when I stood in front of you asking you to come home because I needed you?"

"Santana…"

Shaking her head Santana took a deep breath, inhaling slowly through her nose in a futile attempt to control her flaring temper as the stared back at her Father's shocked expression. "No, I fucking needed you and you didn't care. I went back to that house by myself, and I saw the… I saw it. All of it; the pills, the… the…"

"You went back there?" Marcus choked out, his mouth ajar as he clambered for words. "I never thought you would go back there-"

"Well, it didn't really seem to matter to you, where I went as long as I _went_," Santana spat, unsure whether the tears stinging her eyes were out of anger or sadness. She could still remember the cold blankness of his eyes as he turned his back on her, the image had haunted her more than any other, torturing her every waking moment. "I let myself think that for once you'd actually care."

"I did care… but didn't know what to do," Marcus sighed, his voice strained with unshed tears. Lifting his eyes to meet his daughters he shook his head despondently. "You have to understand Santana; I've spent my whole life fixing people, it's what I do. People come to me and I do everything in my power to make sure my patients leave here happy and healthy but… I can't fix this, any of this. I don't know how." Clasping his hands together in front of him Marcus allowed the tears to fall down his cheeks, his heart clenching painfully in his chest as he saw his tears mirrored on his daughter's cheek. He wanted desperately to be able to reached out and comfort her, to wipe away her tears and wrap his arms around her shaking frame.

Santana bit her lip, her teeth sinking into the soft flesh as she watched the man in front of her. Slowly, almost hesitantly she let her hand glide across the cool metal of the table and come to rest on top of her Father's tightly clasped hands, a watery smile gracing her features as he linked her hands between his two. "I never expected you to fix anything, Dad. Yara died, it was horrible and unbearable and it shouldn't have happened but it did, and no one could ever fix something like that."

Marcus sighed, his grip on Santana's hand tightening he forced himself to ask the question that had plagued him for years. "Do you blame me, for what happened to Yara?"

"No, never," Santana replied, her eyes widening in shock as she quickly shook her head.

"I was supposed to be in the car that day, do you remember?" Marcus continued, his eyes glazed over as he let his mind drift back to that day. "Your Mom and I were going to take you two bowling, we'd been planning it for weeks but just as we were about to leave I got a call from the hospital asking if I would come in. I said yes. I stood on the porch and I watched you three get into that car and pull out of the driveway without me."

"You didn't know what was going to happen."

"I know that… but," Squeezing his eyes shut in an attempt to hold back some of his tears he said, "If I have been there maybe I could have done something. Maybe I could have saved her, maybe I would have seen the other car or… maybe…"

Santana shook her head adamantly. "Or maybe you would have died that day too." Waiting for her father to look at her she continued, "Yara died, and no amount of wishful thinking is going to change that. You're not the only one who thinks about things like that, you know? I spend years wondering what would have happened if maybe I'd had a tantrum about you not coming with us, or if I'd been sitting in Yara's seat. I thought about how that guy could have gotten in to his car five minutes later, or that he could have lost his keys. I wondered if he had friends with him who let him get into his car drunk, or if the person serving him drinks might have cut him off sooner. You can't spend your whole life thinking about what might have happened, it'll drive you crazy." Taking her other hand Santana brought it to rest on top of their clasped hands. "I've already seen my Mom lying in a bed in this place; I don't want to see you here too."

"I would never do that."

"I hope not," Santana said, unable to fully believe it. She had never thought her Mom would attempt anything so final either and she didn't know if could believe her Father, not without help anyway. "Mom mentioned to me that… she thought it would be a good idea for us to see someone; as a family."

Marcus nodded. "She mentioned it to me too. I think it's something we should talk about together."

"Okay," Santana said offering her Dad a hopeful smile. Her smile quickly faded as the sound of her Dads beeper echoed around them. She had almost forgotten where they were and glancing around she saw the cafeteria was almost empty, the only other people taking up a table on the opposite side of the room. "Do you have to go?"

"Yeah, they need me down in the emergency room." Standing quickly Marcus found himself hovering awkwardly as Santana looked up at him. "I'm off work at eight; I'll see you later, okay? I promise."

Exhaling shakily Santana almost let her jaw drop. She couldn't remember the last time she and her parents all been home at the same time, let alone had a conversation together. "O-okay." She watched as her Dad hurried from the room, simultaneously trying to rearrange his lab coat and clip his beeper back on. She let herself sink back in her chair, the hard and uncomfortable plastic barely even noticeable anymore, and prayed that her Father would keep his promise.

She hadn't meant to fall asleep but between the glowing light of her clock ticking away the minutes that had passed since her Dad failed to show, and sheer exhaustion, Santana had let her eyes drift shut and allowed herself to escape her constant thoughts. She felt like an idiot for buying into her Father's empty promise, she should have known he would end up blowing her off for work again and even in her dreams her brain refused to let her forget her mistake. Burying her head deeper into her pillow she clung to her covers, wrapping them tightly around herself and sunk into the soft cocoon, part of her never wanted to leave her bed again.

Santana sighed as she checked the time, 10:05pm, more than two hours since her Father had finished work. She was considering hurling the stupid clock across the room when she heard it, the sound of a car pulling up in front of the house followed by the gentle creek of the front door opening and clicking shut. She held her breath, trying to slow her pounding heart as she willed herself not to get her hopes up. It could be anyone, maybe her Mom had gone out to pick up something at the twenty-four hour store, or she had arranged to for one of her friends to come over, maybe she had gone to the hospital to yell at her husband for being so cruel. Santana listened intently for the sound of voices, trying to make out the dull murmur of voices coming from the hallway downstairs, and frustrated beyond on belief that she was still excited at the possibility her Dad had decided to come home after all.

The sound of footsteps on the stairs made her whole body tense, her hands curled into fists as she closed her eyes in an attempt to hide from the reality check she knew was coming. Surely it was her Mom coming to tell her that her Father had, without a doubt, broken his promise. Hearing her door slowly swing open Santana was glad she had turned out her lights; she didn't want to see the dejected look on her Mom's face.

"Santana?"

She was silent for a moment, the sound of her heart thudding in her chest filled her ears, and it felt like an age before she managed to let out the smallest of whispers, her voice low and trembling as she pulled down her covers to see the figure in her doorway. "Papi?"

"I'm here," He murmured as he carefully padded his way across the room and eased himself down to sit on the edge of the bed. He swept his hand across Santana's cheek, pushing the stray hair off of her face. "I'm right here."

Santana found her words failing as she stared up at him. "What… I don't…"

"I'm sorry," Marcus chuckled sadly. "It was a stupid idea really, but I thought…"

It was then Santana noticed the bag he was carrying, a small striped paper bag that, even with only the light streaming in through her door, she recognised. "You went to Breadsticks?" Pulling herself up into a sitting position she leant over and flicked on her lamp.

"Well, I…" Clearing his throat awkwardly Marcus offered the bag to his daughter. He waited for her to take it before continuing, "When I was speaking to your Mom the other day she mentioned that you were going to dinner with a friend and that Breadsticks was your favourite restaurant. I wanted to swing by and pick you up something, I thought… I mean, I missed dinner but we could still have dessert together."

Peering in the bag Santana frowned. "It took you two hours to get dessert?"

"No. I took me two hours to get dessert, have my car breakdown on me, call the tow company, argue with the tow company and eventually get back here." Shaking his head Marcus added quietly, "I may also have thrown my phone at a tree before realising I should have called to let you know I was going to be late."

"At least I know where I get my temper from," Santana said with a cautious smile.

Marcus sighed as he bowed his head. "I didn't mean to let you down… again. I'm so bad at being a Dad; it's been so long I feel like I've forgotten how." Risking a look at his daughter he bit his lip nervously as he tried to read her expression. It didn't take a genius to work it out and shuffling forward slightly he tentatively reached for his daughters hands, "I'm sorry Santana, I really am, but I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere."

Santana swallowed hard, her eyes boring into her Fathers as she struggled to process the words she was hearing. She had been so sure that he was going to let her down again; that everything he Mom had been trying to persuade her was true, was actually false. But yet, here he was, sitting in front of her, willing to try and be a Father again. Suddenly lurching forward Santana wrapped her arms around her Dad, her smile growing as she felt her hug returned, the two of them clinging tightly to each other. "I thought you weren't going to turn up, but you did." Tightening her grip on her Dad she buried her face against his neck, silent tears running down her cheek as she whispered, "You did."


End file.
